To have called time on my marriage. A family of two halves.

[GeorgeClarkefan]

I have called time on my marriage.

I love my husband who is a genuinely nice guy but it’s all the extraneous stuff that gets in the way. It’s his daughter, my daughter and our daughter and never the twain shall meet.

My eldest does not see her father or his family which is no fault of mine. I never expected my new in-laws to step up and they haven’t. They are always kind, and always polite.

My stepdaughter and younger daughter have many advantages which we simply cannot afford for my elder daughter. She doesn’t understand and gets upset.

I posted about the Disney debacle where it emerged that my MiL feels she can’t act normally around her grandchildren if my daughter is there.

Latest spat has come about because of an extracurricular paid for by MiL.

My husband has said that that is it and he is insulted and won’t beg me. He has walked out.

I am going to potentially lose some time with my youngest but I can’t go on like this.

My mother cannot look me in the face she is so angry.

What about your eldest daughter's peace? 🙄

Honestly you're just rambling now, contradicting yourself and not making sense.

You've already made up your mind to leave, well at least your DH has so I really don't get the point of this thread anymore.

Most posters have told you that you're overreacting and cutting your nose to spite your face and yet you keep jumping from DSD to MIL to your DM to DH and back while claiming you don't expect MIL to pay for your DS yet also upset she hasn't.

From what it looks like your DH is done anyway so you might as well focus on preparing yourself, your daughter and your finances ahead of divorce.

It seems to me that a lot of this mess may have been caused by the fact that DSD doesn't get enough time with her sister and Dad because her step sister always has to be included.

As another PP said MIL has already experienced her son divorcing and tried to keep a relationship going with her grand-daughter. Her excluding OP's daughter may not in fact be solely to do with the fact that she does not regard her as family (although that will probably have a part to play) but that she is trying to make sure that her two grandchildren have a good relationship and that DSD also spends time with her cousins.

The whole thing is a mess and no-one is going to benefit from a divorce.

Initially I thought that this was a rich family who were rejecting their son's step-daughter and who treated her poorly but as the thread has gone on it turns out that this is not actually the case.

I don't think the OP has handled this well and I feel that her daughter's upset about the situation has been made worse because of OP's attitude.

Although, as far as the OP is concerned, she has behaved in this way because she wanted her daughter to be included I think she could have made the situation easier by explaining to her daughter that where people have different families the reality is that often they will be treated differently.

You've tried to make your eldest's emotional state your MIL's problem.

It's not. It's yours. You've lacked some boundaries here with your inlaws and stepdaughter spending time with youngest and your eldest and they tried to let you know. For example, when your SD was spending time with her little sister, you let your eldest horn in and when SD pushed back, you "dealt" with her. Why didn't you tell eldest, hey, let SD spend some time with little sister and we'll go do x? Hey, SD only gets to see little sis every so often and you live with her.

SD also dealt with inequity here, but hers is of time. She lacked alone time with her dad and sister that your eldest had full time with.

By bringing up the big gun of divorce, you've now removed one of the pillars of her family, a stepdad who treated her well. Why didn't you suggest therapy to deal with your eldest's jealousy and misery before now? Do you think your husband being out of the home will fix that?

If you're not very, very careful, your eldest might feel responsible for this breakup and likely to be more needy and insecure rather than less.

My mother never misses out my stepdaughter at Easter, Christmas or her birthday, she gets thank you cards for her trouble but my stepdaughter while polite in a formulaic way has no interest.

What about other times, say days out or lunches, do you wait for Step daughter to be around so she can join in, even if she’s not interested, it should be fair right? What about your mums will? Is there an equal share left to her step daughter?

fwiw, I think you sound so overly entitled. You and your dh chose a blended family, your extended family didn’t, yes it’s lovely if all children are treated equally, but they aren’t. YOUR dd gets to live with Sdd dads, how do you plan to ensure equality to that resource? Or does it only work When it affects your dd.

If you really want your dd to go to pony club, you and Dh will need to either make cut back, or extra hours.

The divorce is not going to bring equality, only upset for your youngest and probably even less money. What you need is giving your eldest a nice time when your youngest is doing her activity and make her realise that not everything is equal in life but they are both loved equally.

Tbh ‘they should all be treated equally‘ really doesn’t work when you consider how hurtful that would be for the stepdaughter. They aren’t equal. His daughter should be special to her actual father, over and above OP’s daughter, and it’s no surprise that she hasn’t responded well to the girl being shoehorned into her family.

I can’t imagine how I would have felt if my parents split when I was a child, and my father had met woman and not only acted as a full time father to her daughter, but claimed to consider her equal to me in his eyes. I know I would not have been smiling beatifically and singing fucking kumbaya about it.

I get the impression that OP resents her stepdaughter for 1, being privileged, and 2, not buying into the nuclear family fantasy.

There is the OP, her mother and all the OP’s siblings and nephews and nieces. That is a lot of biological family for the oldest daughter. Yet, the OP wants to control how her MIL spends her money in favour of her own child, the MIL’ step child. The OP does not speak positively about her step child, her husband’s child from his first marriage. I feel so sorry for the OP’s step child and I wonder how much money is spent by the OP’s large family on the OP’s stepchild. None I would think, but still the OP is bellyaching about her MIL not paying out for her step grandchild. It is immoral how some women think they have the right to spend the money of another woman in favour of their own children.

I don't think the OP understands she will never achieve a nuclear family. Even if she didn't have s step-daughter her own two biological daughters have different fathers, grandparents, extended family etc.

It's all well and good treating all the kids the same in terms of "if we do for 1, we do for all" within the family household but it will never work outside those 4 walls.

I have a stepchild and we have a shared child. My stepson obviously has maternal family who will never have anything to do with my son... and likewise he has lots of experiences that my child won't have. However, when he is at his mums house our world doesn't stop and we do age appropriate activities with our younger child.

Plenty of things the OP could do with the 9yr old that she would surely love as 1 on 1 time without the other girls. A trip to the cinema, movie of her choice at home, a pamper day at home, going out for a walk or a cycle, just playing a board game etc. It doesn't need to be extravagant to be quality time.

Seems weird to end a marriage over kids extra curricular activities?! You’ve worked yourself right up over this. Ours barely remember their extra curricular activities now. Hope this is worth it op.