AIBU to wonder why some grandparents avoid helping with childcare?

[oldFoolMe]

Genuinely curious why as a grandparent, you wouldn’t want to help if you could.
Firstly i am not a grandparent and can only speak of my own experience.
My father got made redundant at 60 so took an early retirement.
He adored my children, said it was an absolute blessing that he had a chance to spend time with them. He worked and commuted his whole life so he said he was making up for lost time as he wasn’t able to spend that time with us as children. He was so helpful and my children had an amazing bond with him until he died.
My mother however explained that she had given up her life to bring us up (didn’t gave us until she was late thirties), and now she wanted to do what she wanted to do and that did not involve small children. Her mother helped with childcare and she was able to work and again we had a real special bond with our grandmother. We used to pop round regularly to see her long after the childcare stopped. My grandmother was great and had excellent stories and we learnt so much from her. She taught us how to cook, and helped my mum with housework.
Now my mum is approaching 80, she’s lonely and surprised that my own children don’t pop round, but they don’t have the same bond.
She expects the same help that she gave her mother, but working full time the weekend is the only chance I have to catch up on housework and quite honestly I’m burnt out.
Secondly with so many horror stories of children being abused in a nursery, if you were able to why wouldn’t you want to look after a child you love rather than strangers?

your family life seems very transactional.

That’s true she absolutely did everything at home, with the help from my grandmother. Without her support I don’t think she could have done it.

Yep, she got it alright, she's just a moaner who doesn't like being told no 😅

So what? Grow up.

Its hard work?

They dont think they'd be good at it.

Expectations have changed from grandma's house grandma's rules, to do this the way I say and face criticism If its not right.

They didnt find grandma's care as positive as you did so dont want to recreate that experience.

Why is a grandparent not wanting to look after grandchildren different to you not wanting to look after your elderly mother? Many would say they can't understand why you wouldn't do that.

When ds and his gf announcement a surprise pregnancy I was worried. For all of them. Ds had anger issues (therapy was helping) his gf once held our 5 month old ds then sat him at the table and walked away.... Their relationship was somewhat turbulent...
The gf had been literally spoon fed until she left home at 20.
They split up soon after and I helped as and when asked. Until my mh could no longer take it.
Being a dgp can be fab but can also bring with it more worries than you had with your own dc...
My own dd now has a dc and the situation is totally different but it will keep me in the dgm lane not the childcare provider.. Unless an emergency obviously..

Yes that's exactly it.
All mine went to daycare.
No way would I drop them to anybodies house, close the door and go off to work.
I would trust nobody to be alone with my kids.
Everybody trusts their grandparents,
neighbours, aunts etc until something happens.
You don't know who is calling into the childminders house etc.
Also, not everybody likes minding small children.
Your mum may have found child rearing very difficult

My parents are now elderly i help them my adult Dcs help them, their lack of "childcare " doesn't affect how we treat them now.

And they just don't want to. Amazing that this daft woman thinks what she wants is more important than what her mum wants ESPECIALLY when talking about her mum's own life and free time 😆And she's SO pleased her mum is lonely, it's a bit gross.

It’s really simple, OP. Some people don’t want to spend their later lives or retirement babysitting small children. It’s either tiring or not enjoyable, and it stops them doing things they’d rather be doing instead. They’ve raised their children - they don’t want round 2.

It’s no different to busy adults with their own lives to lead not wanting to be relied upon by their parents for lifts, chaperoning to appointments, shopping etc.

I think when you make a decision to have children, you should do so with no expectation that 1) your parents will provide free childcare or 2) your children will be available to look after you one day. Too many people seem to take this as a given and are disappointed. People might move house, or have all kinds of things happening in their lives.

If families have a situation when grandparents are local and have the time, energy and enthusiasm to care for their grandchildren frequently then I’d say those parents are very fortunate.

I've been childcare for all six of my grandchildren. It was exhausting especially with premature twins and their ongoing needs. My parents lived very close by and didn't want to help me out. I had friends that did reciprocal childcare with me instead. I didn't resent my parents in the slightest as it was their choice. My DM died in her 60s unexpectedly so she was able to enjoy her spare time. I spent mine exhausted. Your use of the word avoid isn't fair. YABVVVU.

This is my situation and I have 5 gc

you do realise that many many people don't have any family help with their DC at all? And do just fine? And don't begrude their parents for it?

I'll ask again: could you not be bothered to read the MANY responses on the previous, recent threads?

It seems the total opposite in fact.

You present the argument like there are only two choices for older people @oldFoolMe

• Work longer and pay into a pension
• Look after your grandchildren

Is that how older people are viewed? That they just have to serve, serve and serve again until they go into a care home, at which point their disgruntled DCs will come on and complain how their "inheritance" is being chipped away at?

Shakespeare had it right - "sharper than a serpents tooth".

She expects the same help that she gave her mother, but working full time the weekend is the only chance I have to catch up on housework and quite honestly I’m burnt out.

Did your mother not work and do housework? Maybe she was burnt out. Presumably you're not caring for your children while you're working, just like your mother didn't care for you while she was working.

I had my first child at 20. He's now 27 and my youngest is 15. I've worked full-time the entire time I've had them. I've been caring for other people for more than half my life. At some point I would like to have the freedom to only have to care for myself and do what I want to do. It really doesn't seem like that much to ask for.

Because maybe its the last thing you want to do????

This is a good point. I was SA by my grandmother's husband.

It’s down to the individual person. I don’t think you can generalise. As you said your own mum had help but didn’t want to help you but your dad helped lots when he retired.

I don’t think you need to help with regular childcare to have a good relationship with your grandkids. Surely just visiting, staying in touch and taking them on days out etc is enough. She sounds like she just wasn’t interested in them so as you say has a cheek to wonder why they don’t visit.

Some grandparents can’t do enough but some are also taken advantage of. My own mum worked full time and used to watch my sisters kids on her 2 days off to enable her to work. Meant she cldnt have any wkends off as her days were set so she cld watch the kids. It was her choice ofcourse but she felt so bad for my sister and knew they needed the money. My sisters mil said she wld watch her first child when born (even told my sis not to go part time she wld watch child full time). Luckily my sister went part time as mil changed her mind just before she was due to go back to work! Something I hear a lot of mumsnet!

She's angry she's not getting her own way and she was shot down in flames on the other thread so she thought she'd have another go. Too much boxed wine I suspect 😅

My mum has a really active retirement. Holidays and clubs and sports and I’m so happy for her. She’s done her bit with childcare when I was young. I paid a professional to look after mine at nursery until they went to school.

I don’t help with childcare as I’m tired and don’t have the patience or energy to have them on my own I adore them and love spending time with them and their parents, I love taking them shopping with me but only one at a time and holidaying with them all.

They finally have free time after years of slog at work and need to pay into pensions/ pay off mortgages.