AIBU to wonder why some grandparents avoid helping with childcare?

[oldFoolMe]

Genuinely curious why as a grandparent, you wouldn’t want to help if you could.
Firstly i am not a grandparent and can only speak of my own experience.
My father got made redundant at 60 so took an early retirement.
He adored my children, said it was an absolute blessing that he had a chance to spend time with them. He worked and commuted his whole life so he said he was making up for lost time as he wasn’t able to spend that time with us as children. He was so helpful and my children had an amazing bond with him until he died.
My mother however explained that she had given up her life to bring us up (didn’t gave us until she was late thirties), and now she wanted to do what she wanted to do and that did not involve small children. Her mother helped with childcare and she was able to work and again we had a real special bond with our grandmother. We used to pop round regularly to see her long after the childcare stopped. My grandmother was great and had excellent stories and we learnt so much from her. She taught us how to cook, and helped my mum with housework.
Now my mum is approaching 80, she’s lonely and surprised that my own children don’t pop round, but they don’t have the same bond.
She expects the same help that she gave her mother, but working full time the weekend is the only chance I have to catch up on housework and quite honestly I’m burnt out.
Secondly with so many horror stories of children being abused in a nursery, if you were able to why wouldn’t you want to look after a child you love rather than strangers?

Hmm my kids weren't " my WHOLE world" so my grandchildren even less so

@Dinomum79
I don't think she should be doing as much as my gran did but how can you watch your kids drown ? I can't understand it and it makes me sad.

Oh, the dramatics. She isn’t ‘standing by watching’, she’s living her own life, which she’s entitled to do. She’s already raised her children and done her bit. You and your DH are adults now, not kids.
Instead of standing around feeling sad, focus on finding a way to look after your DC like every other parent does, without assuming ageing parents should step in. Look for solutions. If you’re in low paid work, consider training or upskilling so you can earn more.
This is why financial planning before having DC matters , though that’s a whole other topic, and people will shout about how dare anyone suggest it. But threads like this show that perhaps it isn’t unreasonable to say so.
It’s tough, but you’re not alone. Most of us went through it and came out the other side. Thankfully, DC grow up, it’s not forever.

I disagree. I remember people who have been kind and helpful to me, and repay this with the same energy/effort. Karma.

But this also works the other way around - don't help me when I need it? I'll remember that when they need me!

I couldn't imagine not helping with childcare for my Grandson & the bond we have now is so special. Grandbaby No 2 is on the way & again I'd be upset if I wasn't asked to help with Childcare when he/she arrives. I didn't have any help with Childcare from my parents when my children were young so had to put them in a nursery from 3 months old which I hated but had no choice as I had to work. I work full time, part time as a Childminder so I have my Grandson 3 days a week & wouldn't dream of charging to care for him as it's a pleasure.

I totally get though why some choose not to care for their Grandchildren. If you've raised your kids & want to live your life with out restrictions then you're more than entitled to not give up your time to care for your off springs children. There's nothing wrong or spiteful about wanting to live life without childcare responsibilities.

But why do you think you can't have a bond with grandchildren without doing childcare? I was very close to my paternal grandmother. But she didn't do regular childcare. In fact she helped my dad out at times by aging for a babysitter for us so he could do out instead of doing it herself

But we used to visit places together,do days out ermtc once I was old enough to have a sensible conversation with her ( school age)

It really is we're gonna need a bigger bridge

Because it’s boring , they don’t want to and they have a life ?

Not THIS again!

Short answers:
Because they are knackered
Because they are not well
Because they don't have time
Because they actually want to spend their own time doing things for themselves
Because they can't afford it
Because they don't like being taken for granted
Because they just don't want to

And I say this as a grandmother who did/does provide help with the grandchildren

It’s a simple matter of logistics. So many families now have two parents working full time. If your grandchild is in nursery from 8am until 6pm five days a week, realistically you aren’t going to see much of them. They’ll be getting home each evening in time for dinner, a bath and a bedtime story and that’s that. There will inevitably be a lot of stuff for the family to fit in at the weekends too.

I think there’s a fundamental misunderstanding in many of these discussions: parents explain the reality of their situation, and it’s interpreted by some grandparents as a threat to withhold access to the grandchildren if no childcare is provided. But the child can’t be in two places at once! And clearly, grandparents who look after their grandchildren, either regularly or from time to time, are likely to develop a closer bond with them than they would with just occasional family visits to nurture the relationship.

I had a lovely bond with my DGP’s and were never looked after by them. I am one of fourteen cousins on one side and thirteen on the other side so any DGP childcare would have been impossible.

That's only at preschool age though. The " family" stuff at weekends is a choice though and could involve seeing grandparents. And that assumes both parents are working mon to fri anyway

My ex MIL never did childcare but she was much loved by her 11 grandchildren. She took one of them out each month for breakfast, she visited for birthdays, she hosted Christmas and Easter for the whole family, arranged breaks at caravan parks for all the family to attend and she did the usual pop in for a cup of tea on a weekday stuff.