AIBU to wonder why some grandparents avoid helping with childcare?

[oldFoolMe]

Genuinely curious why as a grandparent, you wouldn’t want to help if you could.
Firstly i am not a grandparent and can only speak of my own experience.
My father got made redundant at 60 so took an early retirement.
He adored my children, said it was an absolute blessing that he had a chance to spend time with them. He worked and commuted his whole life so he said he was making up for lost time as he wasn’t able to spend that time with us as children. He was so helpful and my children had an amazing bond with him until he died.
My mother however explained that she had given up her life to bring us up (didn’t gave us until she was late thirties), and now she wanted to do what she wanted to do and that did not involve small children. Her mother helped with childcare and she was able to work and again we had a real special bond with our grandmother. We used to pop round regularly to see her long after the childcare stopped. My grandmother was great and had excellent stories and we learnt so much from her. She taught us how to cook, and helped my mum with housework.
Now my mum is approaching 80, she’s lonely and surprised that my own children don’t pop round, but they don’t have the same bond.
She expects the same help that she gave her mother, but working full time the weekend is the only chance I have to catch up on housework and quite honestly I’m burnt out.
Secondly with so many horror stories of children being abused in a nursery, if you were able to why wouldn’t you want to look after a child you love rather than strangers?

I’m starting to wonder if there’s an idea floating somewhere around euthanasia for older (costly) people - or not if they add value by doing childcare.

Isn’t it blindingly obvious why your mother didn’t want to? You’ve said yourself your father commuted and worked long hours. So the flip side of that is that she didn’t everything isn’t it? She’s had enough. Your father lived quite the charmed life didn’t he? Got to focus on his career as his wife did everything alone, then no more work at 60, just when the kids were old enough, then he got to enjoy his grandchildren. Lucky man.
are you trying to give yourself a get out clause for not giving your mum any time? You won’t get it from me I’m afraid.

So your grandmother watched the children so that your mother could work and do housework? What a wonderful opportunity for your mother to have someone to do that so that she could do more work.

I am not a GP but using my imagination (For the same reason some people do not want to have children at all)

1. It is hard work
2. They do not enjoy little children (not everyone does, even those that have had them) / They do not enjoy the particular age of the kids
3. They like freedom and do not wish to be tied to say school hours for pickups etc etc
4. Poor health or low energy
5. Low confidence (that they can take care of the children/do it well)
6. They do not want to
7. They have many other interests e.g. studying, learning...
8. They like peace and quiet
9. They would prefer to help in other ways (financial for example)
10. They like to see you struggle (I mean not all GP are nice people)

You said it yourself: you're burntout.
Your mother probably felt the same, and quite rightly wanted her time and peace back when you'd grown up.
Your father was working and not spending as much time with his kids, therefore, didn't feel that same level of burnout you get when raising children and juggling everything.

It's quite easy to understand tbh.

I don’t have grandchildren yet, but I won’t be providing regular childcare if and when I do.

When I retire, that time is for me to enjoy myself in whatever way I can/want to. I’ve more than done my bit. I won’t be filling my time as a childminder.

My grandparents used to go to Spain in the winter over Christmas for about 6 weeks, cheapo holidays away from the grinding cold. We were all happy for them. Visited them a couple of times a month all through my childhood and teenage years till I moved away, my parents and my grandparents were members of the same bowling club and my grandparents were active there. My grandparents loved their busy active lives that they'd worked hard for and it would literally never have occurred to any of us to think they should be at our beck and call.

Its such a weird, weird, weird obsession on this site trying to attach a chain made of children round grandparents necks

My reasons:

1. it's exhausting and I have limited energy
2. I want to be free from ties so I can be spontaneous to do things
3. the DGC's behaviour isn't as good as it needs to be to make them a pleasure to look after

OP's lapping up the notion that her mum is lonely after she spent her whole life raising her and working, it's really gross tbh.

I'm pretty sure we could also dig up a lot of stories about children being abused by grandparents and other relatives if we wanted to, but thanks for that dig at parents who use paid childcare.

Tia Matthews is the first name that popped in my head. I remember another one with a baby and the grandparents dog because the grandma didn't close the door. Plus plenty of grandparents using the advice they followed 30 years previously like sleeping on their front, or weaning at 4 months etc. which nurseries wouldn't do.

Watching a small child when your home isn't child friendly is a lot harder too. Your home naturally becomes less child friendly as your children grow/leave. My friend brought her toddler round to ours and I couldn't believe how many dangers he found considering our youngest is only 7! I couldn't leave a friend's toddler to play in the living room while I popped to the loo like I used to with mine.

I understand your question. I don't have an answer.

I have found that the grandparents least likely to help, are the ones most confused why the grandkids don't have a strong bond with them.

I know my parents needed help from grandparents, aunts & uncles and got a bunch of it. Now they don't really want to help with grandkids.

My situation is unique because my partner and I are immigrants, so all grandparents live abroad. When my parents visit they sit on the sofa & watch TV. When I ask them to watch the toddler while I prep dinner they agree... but they literally just watch and then yell for me to come if he's starring to climb a bookshelf or needs a nappy change. They don't help with domestic chores. They do want lots of smiling picture with the toddler, but try force him to pose with them. I make them play a bit on his terms and then get great smiling pics.

My partner's parents are very different. They cook and help clean up. They play with the toddler on his level. They will watch him alone for 30mins no problem. They will change a nappy.

I think some people just are good with kids, and some people are more selfish.

In the end, you reap what you sow.

You're right, OP is super selfish. And no, you haven't found that grandparents who dont fancy being unpaid dogsbodies are confused about anything 😆 I'm sure they understand full well why their selfish gits of children are neglecting them migh even be a relief to be left in peace 😆

I wouldn't do childcare because after years of full-time work, I want the freedom to do what I want without being tied down. Saying that, I would do emergency childcare , if not on holiday, and I would babysit. As someone who was a single parent (all GPS dead and dc father dying when they were young) I would have been delighted with that level of support and would think someone was a cf for expecting more.

We have three brilliant and lovely grandchildren between 6 and 10 years old. We absolutely adore them and offer to help when our daughter needs us too (single student mother) She, however, totally respects that we brought up three busy and tiring children ourselves and will only ask if she really needs to. They are hard work and we're in our 60s, so it is exhausting having them for full days - although I never ever say no. On average we'll have all or some of them maybe monthly for a day. It's mutual understanding and respect and it doesn't mean any of us love each other any less. I offer a lot and mean it but her ex's parents, through their choice, because he is a wanker and waste of space, have them every other weekend, so she gets time to study and be herself then.

Mumsnet has a bloody strange obsession with trying to wring every drop of hard labour from their ageing parents, that's for sure, so wouldn't be surprised if they thought bumping them off so they could get their hands on the inheritance faster would be a good plan.

It’s very simple, it’s because looking after children is hard work and not everyone wants to do it. Especially if they already spent x amount of years doing it.

Mumsnet has a bloody strange obsession with trying to wring every drop of hard labour from their ageing parents, that's for sure.

Definitely this. I hear it more on MN than I do in real life

Not happy with trying to guilt trip grandparents, you throw that snide little barb at the end for parents who use nurseries.

Id guess the answer to your question is: they don’t want to

Cos I am severely disabled.

My guess is because they’re fucking tired!! both my parents still at work and they’re mid 60s. My grandmother looked after me sometimes, and looked after my cousin pretty much all the time. But she didn’t work. She was on benefits, disability benefits, so that was a completely different scenario. I don’t expect of my mum and I never did.

I don't understand why this question keeps cropping up. The answers are a) obvious and b) have been explained many times.

I'm not a grandparent yet although we have four adult children in our immediate family.

I have spent 27 years parenting. And my entire career has been other people's children. I will he happy to provide ad hoc baby sitting and to spend time with my grandchildren if/when they arrive but I don't have any desire, inclination or willingness to provide 'childcare' for any of them. And it wouldn't be expected of me either.

Well exactly OP. Not sure why you're asking (again). You're not obliged to help her out at all.

My grand baby is a light in my life, I take him all over doing fun stuff, but I wouldn't commit to regular childcare to allow for work. Even if I didn't work. Things have changed. If you choose to have babies then you need to get on with it. You're not entitled to someones life like that.

But i do want to, but having to work full time, the long commute and no help i don’t have the energy or time to. My mum had paid off her mortgage and was able to work less to help with her own mother more, I don’t have that option .

I wonder if people who can't understand why GP's might not wish to do childcare do not understand why people are childfree? Or why people choose different things in life? It just takes a little bit of imagination, surely.