AIBU to wonder why some grandparents avoid helping with childcare?

[oldFoolMe]

Genuinely curious why as a grandparent, you wouldn’t want to help if you could.
Firstly i am not a grandparent and can only speak of my own experience.
My father got made redundant at 60 so took an early retirement.
He adored my children, said it was an absolute blessing that he had a chance to spend time with them. He worked and commuted his whole life so he said he was making up for lost time as he wasn’t able to spend that time with us as children. He was so helpful and my children had an amazing bond with him until he died.
My mother however explained that she had given up her life to bring us up (didn’t gave us until she was late thirties), and now she wanted to do what she wanted to do and that did not involve small children. Her mother helped with childcare and she was able to work and again we had a real special bond with our grandmother. We used to pop round regularly to see her long after the childcare stopped. My grandmother was great and had excellent stories and we learnt so much from her. She taught us how to cook, and helped my mum with housework.
Now my mum is approaching 80, she’s lonely and surprised that my own children don’t pop round, but they don’t have the same bond.
She expects the same help that she gave her mother, but working full time the weekend is the only chance I have to catch up on housework and quite honestly I’m burnt out.
Secondly with so many horror stories of children being abused in a nursery, if you were able to why wouldn’t you want to look after a child you love rather than strangers?

My other reason is, young kids are a pain in the arse. Couldn’t wait to get out of that stage with ours.

My parents (mostly my mum) did weekly childcare for all 5 of their grandchildren (spanning 25 years as my 2 brothers are 12 years apart) and for one of their great grandchildren.

3 of the GC had great relationships with my parents. 2 never went to see them from one year to the next as adults and one of these regularly dumped her own child on them - and didn't even get out of the car at drop off and pick up. Parents were in their 80s by then.

This one didn't go to see mum for several years, including when she was bedridden and dying from cancer. After mum's death, she didn't go to see my dad, either. Not once.

She lived half a mile away.

I think it’s that - different scenarios. My grandmother didn’t work and had the time and energy to look after us as children. My mum didn’t work when i had my children either but had no desire to help at all.

As of April 2026, Australian man Charles Smith is the world's oldest first-time grandfather, having become a grandpa at 91 years and 209 days old.
Great he is 91 but dont think he can help much with childcare can he?
Do you not think that some grandparents are physically not able ?

Well it would sort the inflated welfare bill that people keep banging on about right out.

Good for her.

Asking again: could you not be bothered to read all the many answers given on the previous threads?

I must have missed some of the other threads. I can broadly understand OP’s question though, not so much around structured/scheduled childcare but my own mother is definitely less interested in being around her grandchildren than my grandparents were. Babysitting aside, some of my fondest memories were sleepovers at my grandparents and outings with them. Childcare wasn’t a regular thing but they were a hugely present part of my life. I remained incredibly close to them as I got older, and was the one that sat with them in those final hours. I actually think my mum is the one missing out. I don’t need childcare but she is really missing out on establishing close relationships with her own grandchildren, and that strikes me as sad for both her and the kids. It’s not really that sad for me personally. I have enough money to outsource the village. Assuming no unforeseen medical issues, I would strive to be much more like my own grandparents.

Which is her right. You need to get on with it.

You chose to have a job with a commute. That's on you.

I have young kids and no help. I won’t be providing regular childcare when/if I have grandkids. I want to travel and enjoy hobbies. Of course I will help out in emergencies but that’s it.

You do sound a bit gleeful about your DM being lonely as she gets older, OP. You say you don't judge her, but it sounds as though you are rather enjoying not having the time or energy to visit her more often.

Right?! It's multiple times a day at the moment!

It's cropped up this time because the OP is stubborn, hates being told no and is none too bright. She thinks other people are furniture for her to arrange to suit her wants, and doesn't really see her mother as a human being with equal rights to OP. OP has crippling main character syndrome.

Let’s face it, according to MN, a grandparent’s place is in the wrong.

YABU.

Not everybody wants to look after small children.

And she's so pleased her kids don't visit her mum much. Truth be told, OPs mother is probably glad of the peace, who'd want this sort of person visiting? OP would be eyeballing the china and the silver and trying to figure out how to use her mother to her advantage the whole time.

Love this.

I will he happy to provide ad hoc baby sitting and to spend time with my grandchildren if/when they arrive but I don't have any desire, inclination or willingness to provide 'childcare' for any of them.

I think this is what a grandparent's role should be. My parents had both died by the time I was 23, but my in-laws both have a wonderful relationship with my kids, and they've never provided regular childcare. They would occasionally help out if one of the kids was too sick for daycare and my husband and I weren't able to get off work. And then they have taken them on their own for days out here and there even sometimes a week at a time for visits. I think that's their role as grandparents; to do the fun stuff.

I think in older, more family minded times... the grandparents helped, and there was more of a village for us, but it just goes to show how much society has sadly changed and become more selfish and not as family minded. Its "well you had kids... I am not helping as bla bla bla..." I do not like it either. My own mother does not help much, says can not cope with it. I am in survival mode a lot. I find it cruel if they can help then they do not help as their own self is more important then I find that sad.

I think you are being very unfair with the comparison between your mum and your dad. Your dad told you himself that he was enjoying helping with grandchildren because he was so absent during your childhood. Maybe if he had been a better dad and husband, your mum would be more keen to look after grandchildren now. But because your dad was barely a presence, your mum had to do more than her fair share. She is the one who put the most into raising kids, perhaps you should appreciate her a bit better.

Your grandmother didn't set a historical precedent @oldFoolMe .

Your mother doesn't owe you anything, having paid for and raised you.

You are not entitled to the same standard of living as anyone who has come before in your family, or the same perceived "advantages".

I hope that helps you.

I spent many years bringing my own children up largely on my own. I work full time still and I value my free time. Much as I love my gc and enjoy seeing them, it's not my job to actually look after than more than every now and then.

Why? Because if people spent years bringing up their own children, then years working, when they retire they want to be able to choose their own activities, spend time on hobbies etc., for the first time in their lives. Plus looking after small children is very tiring and older people tire much more quickly. Not that anyone owes you or anyone else an explanation for their choices.

Very charmed. He grew up in real poverty, when benefits wasn’t a thing. Worked his whole life then died a slow painful death from cancer. Luckily he did have a few years with his grandchildren.
Different generation it was normal , and I’m not saying right for the men to work and women did the lions share of housework / childcare. My mother actually did the same job as him but was paid less than 30% of what he was paid just because she was a women !

and isnt it sad...I mean, you are a mother until the day you die.