AIBU to wonder why some grandparents avoid helping with childcare?

[oldFoolMe]

Genuinely curious why as a grandparent, you wouldn’t want to help if you could.
Firstly i am not a grandparent and can only speak of my own experience.
My father got made redundant at 60 so took an early retirement.
He adored my children, said it was an absolute blessing that he had a chance to spend time with them. He worked and commuted his whole life so he said he was making up for lost time as he wasn’t able to spend that time with us as children. He was so helpful and my children had an amazing bond with him until he died.
My mother however explained that she had given up her life to bring us up (didn’t gave us until she was late thirties), and now she wanted to do what she wanted to do and that did not involve small children. Her mother helped with childcare and she was able to work and again we had a real special bond with our grandmother. We used to pop round regularly to see her long after the childcare stopped. My grandmother was great and had excellent stories and we learnt so much from her. She taught us how to cook, and helped my mum with housework.
Now my mum is approaching 80, she’s lonely and surprised that my own children don’t pop round, but they don’t have the same bond.
She expects the same help that she gave her mother, but working full time the weekend is the only chance I have to catch up on housework and quite honestly I’m burnt out.
Secondly with so many horror stories of children being abused in a nursery, if you were able to why wouldn’t you want to look after a child you love rather than strangers?

There is a 20 yr gap between my eldest dc and youngest. I have been parenting for 38yrs. I'm tired. I don't want to babysit.

Too old/too unfit/they find it too tiring.
IMO it’s all too easy when you’re a parent in e.g. your late 20s/early 30s to fail to realise how much more tiring young children can be when you’re in your 60s/70s.

A pre-mobile baby that can be guaranteed to have two good long naps during the day, is a very different matter from an energetic 2 or 3 year old who no longer naps and needs to be watched more or less every second.

I raised my own kids without any family support. I worked in a boarding school raising other people’s kids. I’m done with childraising now.

I love my kids and many grandchildren, but I have always been clear that I don’t do childcare any more, and they don’t expect it. I love them all, we have really good times together, but there’s no expectation or pressure for me to look after anyone. I have only once stepped in, during a very serious one-off family emergency.

Do I feel guilty? Heck, no. Do they resent it? Of course not - they are well organised, competent parents who choose to see me because I’m their Mum, not because I’m free childcare.

Like your mother I had kids in my late 30's and I'll be mid 60's when my kids finish uni so a) unless they have children very young it won't be a factor and b) the reason I'll be working until I am 70 is because I had them late and will be funding them all the way through school and uni as I should.

I have no intention of starting a post retirement career as a nanny. Emergency care fine but being a SAHM wasn't for me and I'd be a sh*t full time carer in my late 60's and 70's.

Nor do I expect my kids to run around after me in my dotage for that matter. DH not so much, he doesn't currently see the link in staying in a family size house and the burden it will create if it is impractical should we have the good luck to grow very old together.

No child should assume their parents will provide free full time care for their grandchildren. Lovely for those who enjoy such a privilege but frankly it's just putting off the inevitable point where the state needs to subsidise proper professional childcare to keep people in work and the birth rate up. Ditto care of the elderly.

It really is

oh and its this "women need to do housework child rearing" thing... of course we do and its a blessing to be able to do that for your family! Of course men helping is important too. But woman feel so "bogged down" due to mind set to be honest.

That’s really sad, I couldn’t imagine being that close but uninterested

You deserve a medal and probably a nap 😀

Isn't what "sad"? I don't understand.

My mother is retired, and I don't ask her to do any of my childcare. At all.

I pay for my world, including all childcare, and I do not begrudge her a penny of it.

She's still a "mother" to me. 100% participation. She doesn't have to look after my children on a regular basis in order to keep her accreditation active with me as "mother".

mine lives across the road!

So your father, who told you that he felt he'd missed out on parenting small kids, enjoyed helping with grandkids, and your mother, who told you that she had done so much parenting that she didn't want to do more, doesn't, and here you are asking BUT WHY IS THERE A DIFFERENCE. They literally told you.

I feel tired just imagining it!

Both my grandparents didn’t really engage with us children. My paternal were more interested but a bit old fashioned so didn’t do “emotional” connection but when we visited, they made a fuss. Maternal was so disinterested .

My daughter’s grandparents don’t live near. One set are retired and go away but have only visited us once.

I have a family friend and his mother who have acted like grandparents to my daughter. When she draws family trees, she can’t workout why we can’t add them. If anything like they needed help or went into a home, I know for a fact, she’d be wanting to visit them as often as possible as they have a bond.

To expect kids to bond with people who have shown little interest in them, is just odd. If you don’t want to help, you don’t have to. But it goes both ways. No one wants to be part of a village until they need the village.

In my case Im a grandmother of 7. Im 59. I Work full time and will do until i am 67. . Also have an elderly DM who is 87. Im the sandwich in the middle . I do help out with babysitting as & when i can but its exhausting. Not al DGP are retired with no responsibilties. My DC in Laws are all older and not working and do help when they can. By the time i retire my GDC will not require me to look after them but my DM may need me more than ever in the coming years.!

its a case by case basis isnt it. If you are all set and your mother knows that then I am happy for you. That is great and how I wish it was for everyone. Not all of us are though and our mothers selfish attitude affects how we see them as people.

I think it's because they just keep being overwhelmingly told "stop being so selfish and stupid your mother has earned a rest" and they hate that answer.
So they keep flogging a dead horse because like any toddler they can't just leave it, have to keep pulling at the thread hoping they will win against reality this time.

Biggest joy in our lives is having a relationship and caring for our GC.
We have them to stay at least one night a week and sometimes have a few hours or a few days with them.
I will agree it’s, at times, exhausting but so worthwhile.
My mother and father were very selective (never any offers) with looking after my children and got no joy from it.
And my DC had no relationship with them. In fact they felt disliked by them.

And yet your selfish and filthy attitude affects how absolutely everyone views you dear.

My grandparents didn't help because two of them were already dead by the time I was born, and anyway, they lived abroad. The other two also lived abroad, so we rarely saw them.
My parents didn't help, because they were already deceased by the time my kids came along. My (ex) partner's parents lived 250 miles away.
Does everyone in mumsnet live round the corner from their parents?

"for us, but I completely understand that's not how lots of other people feel of course"

I finished your sentence for you. YW :)

haha ok so people in survival mode are filthy? you are a nasty person. Have a nice day...

I voted YABU for the shitty nursery-shaming comment.

I never really even met my grandparents as grew up a hours train drive away and no one drove. I have no memories of them. My fil never wants to see the kids and mil moved to another continent. Doesn't see us as at when she comes over for months at a time bar asking for lifts to airports. Then gets upset there isn't the family bonds she had as a child.

She grew up in The same town as her family, the all got together regularly and made a bond a priority. Seeing her cousins on her visits are her priority now. Times change and the grandparents generation more want to prioritise other things generally. But you can only build memories if you make them.

Now my two eldest are over 18 and they automatically stay home, tag along to outings and have their own prioritise. I do wonder if there has been a degree of putting off building bonds till the kids are less hard work and adults. Buy in turn the boys are at / going to uni hundreds of miles away. The window of childhood is small. Mine don't have that bond either. I'm not sure it's going to suddenly kick in after they all get to frail to travel to us decades of refusing us visiting them. But surely that was the plan all along?

It's not what I want when I'm a grandparent. Surely there's a balance to be had. Seeing your grandkids regularly while not being regular child care. I'd like to think I'd be availing a emergency like I'd expect my kids to be there if got sick and needed support.

This again?

I think it’s possibly cultural. I’m in Ireland and every single one of my friends/ family (in laws) have help and support from grandparents. This includes pre school care, school pick ups, holiday help and regular babysitting. Families tend to live closer together which might help. I can’t wait to get the opportunity to have grandchildren (if I’m lucky) and would help with caring for them.