AIBU to wonder why some grandparents avoid helping with childcare?

[oldFoolMe]

Genuinely curious why as a grandparent, you wouldn’t want to help if you could.
Firstly i am not a grandparent and can only speak of my own experience.
My father got made redundant at 60 so took an early retirement.
He adored my children, said it was an absolute blessing that he had a chance to spend time with them. He worked and commuted his whole life so he said he was making up for lost time as he wasn’t able to spend that time with us as children. He was so helpful and my children had an amazing bond with him until he died.
My mother however explained that she had given up her life to bring us up (didn’t gave us until she was late thirties), and now she wanted to do what she wanted to do and that did not involve small children. Her mother helped with childcare and she was able to work and again we had a real special bond with our grandmother. We used to pop round regularly to see her long after the childcare stopped. My grandmother was great and had excellent stories and we learnt so much from her. She taught us how to cook, and helped my mum with housework.
Now my mum is approaching 80, she’s lonely and surprised that my own children don’t pop round, but they don’t have the same bond.
She expects the same help that she gave her mother, but working full time the weekend is the only chance I have to catch up on housework and quite honestly I’m burnt out.
Secondly with so many horror stories of children being abused in a nursery, if you were able to why wouldn’t you want to look after a child you love rather than strangers?

This is beautiful. Well done for being a good family member, I am sure your family appreciate this. Someone nice on here, fab!

No, you can't, can you? You haven't got the mental capacity to understand that you're not the whole world and millions of people disagree with you. And you really really hate being told "No" 😆

In this case, the people not visiting weren't very nice. But let's face it, you just cannot manage to understand that other people are not you and don't have to share your wants and feelings. You should see someone for that.

Lots of people didn’t enjoy parenting when it was their own children, so I can imagine don’t want to do that. My MIL was firmly in that camp. I didnt leave DD with her as her behaviour was dangerous and she was more interested in getting her to eat chocolate at 2 months ‘because it would be funny’.

She did however expect her GC to adore her though even though she spent very little time with them and avoided interacting with them if she could. DH loved his GM who didn’t do much care as she seemed to get very old early but was interested and engaged with him.

I think people can do what they like but I do struggle to understand why someone like my mum for example is so uninvolved with her grandchildren when she herself relied so heavily on her own parents, my grandparents - who looked after all of us at various times and had/have ongoing relationships independent of my mum. My mum doesn't have an independent relationship with any of her grandchildren and none of them will visit her outwith the context of a wider family visit when they're older. She complains she's lonely but honestly doesn't do much and has never done much to maintain relationships. Obviously a grandparent-grandchild relationship doesn't have to be within the confines of childcare but if you're talking about young children, looking after them because they literally need looked after is the most obvious way to build the relationship. And if you don't build that relationship, you can't expect one to magically appear when they're older.

If it's the decision you make, basically don't complain about the lack of relationship that is most commonly built through supporting your children with their children.

Because it’s tiring and a bit boring.

But you're not being relied upon for regular daily childcare, you've chosen to do what you're comfortable with. I assume your children don't begrudge you this?

Now my mum is approaching 80, she’s lonely and surprised that my own children don’t pop round, but they don’t have the same bond.

Well - because they had Grandad. Maybe she felt she wasn't a natural like him. Maybe her contribution was to give Grandad the space to spend time with them while she cracked on with work or whatever. Maybe she didn't realise that you popping in at the weekend was conditional on how much childcare she offered. Grandchildren can love their grandparents despite not being looked after by them. Unless of course, they've been brought up to view the less hands on grandparent in a negative light.

personally speaking, I am not looking for a full time grand parent carer. I just need more help in general but do not get it. No real interest in the kids. She lives across the road too... she is far too self absorbed. It has affected how my eldest sees her.

Exactly this - my mum has spent years doing what she wanted to do, but now has suddenly realised her grandchildren have grown and she’s lonely. Being part of a village goes both ways. I do what I can but as I didn’t have her support I’m still working full time, and I’m not able to work less like she was able too. I also saw my grandmother daily and you can’t recreate a bond like that with a few visits a year.

There's quite a lot of judgement in your subsequent posts though. Why do you think that is?

You're as transparent as fuck OP. I'm glad that most responses see right through your little demonisation attempt

again... this is flawed mindset (boring?)

I’m not a grandparent but I have no intention of providing regular care when I am. Why?

because im fucking knackered! I had my children in my early 30’s, I’m now 58 and juggling full time work with caring for 2 adults in their early 20’s with asd. For the last 25 years I’ve put my own needs on the back burner while looking after everyone else’s and when I finally get the opportunity to retire I’d like to have the option of doing a bit of travelling, having some hobbies and doing some voluntary work that interests me and if it’s not too fucking late actually putting my own health and fitness first.

In my 20’s I worked 2 jobs to make ends meet, I’ve been working since my teens and I’m sick to the back teeth of the rhetoric that woman devote themselves to the needs of their offspring from the minute those offspring are born until the day mother dies. For the love of God can we not have a life of our own EVER AGAIN?

Grandmothers are often still working. And if retired they perhaps want a break.

Of course they are still expected to look after the grandchildren otherwise their adult children will cut them off.

She's a nasty one tbh. But all these mums on here slagging off their parents for not being their slaves are nasty pieces of work. Every last one of them.

I will start by saying I have never expected my parents to provide regular childcare for me (as in to replace nursery or to enable me to work).

But not long after I told my parents I was pregnant, my mum said that she was not retiring to be my childcare. Both she and dad retired aged 60 shortly after I had DC1. They said it was not their place to be childminder or nursery for their grandchildren and instead intended to enjoy their retirement doing their own thing. They have looked after my DC in school holidays (max 3 or 4 weeks a year over easter, summer and october) and maybe babysat one night a year.

I had no problem with that. I never expected them to do anything but enjoy their retirement. I went back to work part time and used a nursery for both DC as DH and I always intended.

However my Gran looked after my sister full time when my mum went back to work. It was expected of her. Mum was a SAHM after I was born, but she still never saw any irony in her telling me how awful the thought it was that some of her friends' ungrateful children demanded grandparents did the childcare. But... she and my dad... did the same.

I will look after my grandchildren if asked, but I don't do it on a regular basis. I made it clear to all mine that I wouldn't be doing child care for them . I will help out occasionally, but that is it.

My youngest grandson is 2 and I find it really hard work looking after him. He is a big boy and I can't lift him, which can make it difficult getting out and about.

I worked full time all my adult life, mostly as a single parent. I have no energy at late 60's to be looking after young children.

Yes, your mindset is flawed. You should try to broaden your outlook.

If I felt that I’d have written it!
I don’t understand tbh, why wouldn’t you help your children and GC unless of course they were vile.
Anyway, I don’t need you to speak for me, but TY.

Oh, good for your mum. You very very much DO have a problem with it, obviously, but it's good you didn't get away with turning her into your unpaid servant.

Why is that your responsibility as her daughter-in-law are not responsibility of her son her actual child? You don’t have to do it 🤷‍♀️ especially for someone who didn’t do it for you!

Are you okay?

Oh I thought you'd just forgotten to write it because you'd have to be absolutely doolally not to understand that it's not your place, not your right and not reality for you to foist your wants onto other people.

Well, now you do know that. YW :)

Thank you @Teainapinkcup

Some people just don't like looking after children.