AIBU to wonder why some grandparents avoid helping with childcare?

[oldFoolMe]

Genuinely curious why as a grandparent, you wouldn’t want to help if you could.
Firstly i am not a grandparent and can only speak of my own experience.
My father got made redundant at 60 so took an early retirement.
He adored my children, said it was an absolute blessing that he had a chance to spend time with them. He worked and commuted his whole life so he said he was making up for lost time as he wasn’t able to spend that time with us as children. He was so helpful and my children had an amazing bond with him until he died.
My mother however explained that she had given up her life to bring us up (didn’t gave us until she was late thirties), and now she wanted to do what she wanted to do and that did not involve small children. Her mother helped with childcare and she was able to work and again we had a real special bond with our grandmother. We used to pop round regularly to see her long after the childcare stopped. My grandmother was great and had excellent stories and we learnt so much from her. She taught us how to cook, and helped my mum with housework.
Now my mum is approaching 80, she’s lonely and surprised that my own children don’t pop round, but they don’t have the same bond.
She expects the same help that she gave her mother, but working full time the weekend is the only chance I have to catch up on housework and quite honestly I’m burnt out.
Secondly with so many horror stories of children being abused in a nursery, if you were able to why wouldn’t you want to look after a child you love rather than strangers?

Who raised the the adult babies?

I wonder why you see ‘boomer’ as a pejorative term? It’s helpful shorthand for ‘people born between the end of the Second World War and the mid-1960s’, just as ‘Generation X’ refers to people born between 1965 and 1980 and ‘Millennials’ those born between 1981 and 1996. When I talk about my grandparents being part of the ‘Greatest Generation’, it tells you that they were born between 1901 and 1927, and you know instantly which historical events and social attitudes shaped their lives. Similarly, the ‘Baby Boom’ generation were shaped by their experience of being the largest demographic group for most of their lives.

Are you not familiar with the whole 'OK, Boomer' thing?

Yes - just as I’m familiar with all the stereotypes which existed around Gen X in the 90s (we were nihilistic, lazy, cynical, sarcastic, would never amount to anything, etc etc), and all the nasty complaints about Millennials (too sensitive, wasting their money on avocado toast, etc etc) from older people for the last couple of decades too. Every generation complains about the attitudes of those older than them (remember which generation spat ‘Hope I die before I get old’ in one of the biggest hits of the 1960s?) and those younger than them too (it’s in classical literature and Chaucer’s Canterbury Tales!). For some reason, though, Baby Boomers seem uniquely offended by quite a mild expression of ‘look at you, living up to all the stereotypes of your age group’!

My parents live with me and DH and they absolutely adore looking after our little DD.
she goes to nursery twice a week and then the other 3 days they look after her (albeit I work from
home on those days). They’ve never once complained and always offer to mind her. DH finishes work at 3 then he’s home to take her off their hands but it’s never ever been a problem for them. They said it’s given them a new lease of life and something to keep them occupied in retirement. Different families, different circumstances, different family values I guess.
DHs family are the sort that chuck all their kids out at 21 so we know they would never be up for babysitting, nor would we ask them - they also live 200 miles away and don’t make any effort at all to see her so we don’t either.

I keep seeing everyone talking about having a 'bond' with grandchildren. I don't need a 'bond' with my grandchildren. I have a bond with my own children. Their children are not mine. I love them but one lives in Australia so I'm never going to be intimately involved in his life anyway and if a 'bond' has to come at the expense of my freedom to finally have some time to myself after raising five kids as a single parent - the so be it. I don't feel the need to have a special granny bond anyway.

Yeah I don't get it either

I’ve been looking after and helping my DC for nearly 40 years now, my eldest needs a lot of support. If I do have DGC I don’t know how much regular help I will be able to provide. I’m thinking when will it become my time? I don’t want to go through my whole adult life caring for people, my adult DC, my DM, then perhaps my DGC, who is looking after me?

I find it hard to understand too. My dd died a few years ago and loved spending time with my kids. My dm went along with it but now is not interested. Goes away for months at a time. I find it hard to accept that she can let us struggle. Recent times have changed things - I had to go full time to keep up with our outgoings with increased cost of living and our youngest has additional needs.
My parents had similar circumstances and my gran gave us dinner each night and did after school activities and much more. She helped when they needed it and I just find it sad that my mum would standby and watch us struggle . I don't think she should be doing as much as my gran did but how can you watch your kids drown ? I can't understand it and it makes me sad.

Because it’s not their job, and older women don’t exist to be support humans to their adult children. YABU.

I've got children and I can understand why. Because they're tired, because they don't want to, because their grandchildren are annoying, because they're busy, because they raised their children and now it's not their turn. For many reasons. How many bloody threads about this topic!!

They probably can't be bothered

This is AIBU - it's about judgment. It's what it says on the tin.

The question you ask in your thread is about judgment.

Wow,my mum loves her GC the same as her own kids. I guess we are all different.....and I guess that's ok

Mumsnet really needs to stamp this out. Someone is very clearly trolling.

I remember years ago there was a thread about women having children in their 40's and people were like "but, but what about your GRAND CHILDREN??" and I thought to myself..I never had my kids to have grandchildren, in fact I never gave that an ounce of thought. I had children to have children, they will do the same.

I only ever had one grandparent (they had died before I was born) and she worked into her 80s as a teacher (she was born 1911 as well so that was pretty amazing) . My own kids had grandparents but 2 were abroad and the others were too old to even babysit - so maybe those influences make a difference.

Someone reported all the posts and MNHQ said it is not trolling and different posters.

There is the friend childcare thread and the women being automatic childcare threads too all happening at once. It seems women simultaneously got the same brain wave?

I wouldn't suggest that its different values, as such, it just sounds like your folks don't have a lot going on in their retirement OR they've been retired long enough to get bored/have done what they wanted.

I have very strong family values but looking after a child 3 days a week would NOT represent a new lease on life for me at my stage in life. Quite the opposite in fact. I actually think its a little sad that they needed to find their lease of life this way but I do realise that probably doesn't represent their lives fairly and that there is probably more to their lives than that.

Maybe but MNHQ have ruled out it being anything else after looking into the history of the posters.

How is this different from the never-ending parking, is this a blue line? noisy neighbours, lazy husbands, not wanting to give colleague a lift, etc.etc.et fucking cetera?
It isn't.
Yet there isn't the groan that the role of GMs has occasioned. Too near the bone perhaps.

She isn't standing and watching you drown. She's finally free and off doing what she wants after years of being a wife and mother and grandmother. Just like you, she has exactly one life and is choosing how to spend this part of it.

my DF has been retired for 15+ years - he was able to comfortably retire quite early so yes he has had a fulfilling retirement until our DD was born. They just see it as they are now quite old and the active years they have to properly spend with her are running out so they have chosen to spend as much time with their only DGC as they can. Again different families, different views. How other people choose to live out their retirement is obviously their choice and entirely down to them but calling it ‘sad’ if it doesn’t meet your ideas is a little harsh

Hi, I am a grandparent and despite the fact that I was kicked out and told to " Go and get a job " At Age15...which I did and have led and industrious busy life , juggling, Had Five of my own, and worked part time and Full time jobs all my life. I am living not close to my extended family ( GROGRAPHICALLY) and grown up children. I am not asked to socialise at all or spend regular time with them . I Would be offended to be asked to be a childminder, after my hectic former existence and because I m not invited otherwise on a regular basis.

I can see why expecting your parents to provide full time childcare and frequent overnights is too much, but once a week or fortightly? Or having the desire to take them out on the odd weekend or happy for them to be dropped round every now and then? (I don’t have this but wish I did). So I do agree with OP - they’re not random kids you don’t know - your babies have had babies - what was once your whole world have had little children who are now their whole world, so unless you weren’t close, it’s not unnatural that the new parents would want to share that with them and for their parents to want to too. It’s not always about grandparents being a resource or transaction, but grandparents being excited and willing to be involved in their grandchildren’s lives! It’s not only sad, it’s a shame.