to want to carry on working so I do not end up doing childcare?

[skizz]

I mentioned to my DC that I was thinking about retiring, just exploring options, nothing even decided yet. Their immediate response was along the lines of “oh that would be perfect, you could help with childcare, school pickups, when they are ill, that sort of thing.”

I actually do not want to give up work and slide into being on-call childcare. I like working. I like having my own routine, my own space and my own independence. The idea that any flexibility automatically gets translated into availability for childcare does not appeal to me whatsoever.

I have friends who do regular childcare for their grandchildren and honestly they are constantly picking up bugs, dealing with sickness, plans being cancelled last minute because a child is ill. It looks absolutely exhausting. It is not how they imagined retirement but they got railroaded into it by their daughters/DILs.

I would rather keep working than be doing childcare.

its not a binary choice. You can retire and say no to childcare.

It seems a shame to me to keep working rather than spending time with the grandchildren unless there is some awful behavioural issues.
The kids will outgrow the stage of bringing home bugs and having been active in their lives the bond with you will hopefully be all the stronger which can only be a good thing going into old age in future years and potentially needing that support returned

Yes it's never the younger people's fault is it?
These threads soon degenerate into ' well don't expect ever to have a relationship with the grandkids ' and ' don't expect any help when you get frail ' if there is any boundary setting or reluctance by GPs
The whole conversation is basically a pressurised threat so don't be naive/ obtuse

This is only the 2nd thread l have seen this week on grandparents and OP is allowed to start one on her own personal situation.

Op yanbu but might it be an idea to raise it again and say look l just don't want any commitments when l retire?

Just tell them you’ve no intention of doing any childcare for them.

Just say no! Then enjoy your retirement!

And there's the veiled threat. Do it or be excluded.

Sorry, I really don't understand what you're trying to say here.

Stay working if you want to. Retire if you want to. Dont do childcare if you don’t want to. It’s simple. Dont continue working because you haven’t got the spine to say no, ffs.

Not another one 😂

Anyway, just retire and tell your children that you won’t be providing regular childcare for them. It’s not difficult. I don’t know anyone who gets childcare from grandparents. It’s not a very common situation.

Out of interest, what kind of relationship (if any) do you envisage having with your grandchildren?

Do you plan on spending any one on one time with them, doing some babysitting, or nothing at all?

Not such a threat as just the way the world works. If I had grandparents I saw all the time growing up I would be more likely to visit than if I saw them sporadically and didn't have such a relationship. That's not a particularly unthinkable outcome. Not sure why you would interpret it as a threat, it's literally looking at the correlation of effort put in

Yes I do, but I would qualify it if I didn't agree.

Anyway, back to the point of your thread. You only have one life so do what you want to do. If you want to retire and not spend all your time doing childcare do it and set boundaries.

I don't personally know my friends DDs/DILs well enough to know for myself so go on what my friends tell me.

I havent seen any but then Ive probably missed the other 15

What I do see on a regular occurance is moaning about how mum or mother in law wont help, doesnt help, wont do child care etc etc

Oh my days, we get it, grandparents dont want to help look after their grandchildren. We know.
Just dont be whingeing when your kids dont provide you with care and your grandchildren dont bother visiting you.

Ok.

Anyway, back to the point of your thread. You only have one life so do what you want to do. If you want to retire and not spend all your time doing childcare do it and set boundaries.

Oh another grandparent thread!

If you don't want to sign up for childcare for grandchildren, just don't - but I wouldn't be making my retirement decisions based around avoiding that conversation

Those aren't your only choices. You can retire and say no to childcare - people do. Or you can say no to something regular like school pickups but "maybe, sometimes, IF I'm not committed to something else" in emergencies. It's up to you. Just make it clear to DC how it's going to be, before retirement, so they can plan accordingly.

So its transactional?

I find it so interesting that a generation of people whom repeated the phrase "it takes a village to raise children" are so quick to dismiss their role in raising their grandchildren. Yes, raising, because its not just parents who raise kids - its parents, teachers, grandparents, siblings, and so on.

Of course, if you don't want to, then you don't have to and thats your right. I just think today's society lacks compassion within the familial setting, and you just know for a fact half of the people posting these threads would have received support in terms of childcare etc when raising their own children.

The point of having children is ultimately to ensure gene survival, so why do so many people seem to be missing that instinct to want to help with their GC?

I am by no means saying anyone has a responsibility to do this, but noone should have to explain why any given person would want their parent/s to help them with their kids.

I sympathise in a way OP, as your children's immediate reaction to your suggestion of retirement being that you can step in for childcare was poorly timed and would not have been well-received. But as mentioned in the above quote, family are supposed to just help eachother out and support eachother - its what you do for the people that you care about. If my kids asked for support in this way in the future I would be happy to do it, because i know that supporting them would enable them to be better parents and takes the mental load off a bit.

I feel in today's society theres very much a focus on the self, which is good up until a point. I think that point is that it has completely detracted from the importance of maintaining healthy and supportive relationships. Do whats best for you, do what you want to do, but perhaps have a little compassion for your children. Raising kids is bloody hard, and I think helping out a bit (doesnt have to be a lot) would do them a world of good in how they feel, as well as enabling you to strengthen your own bonds with your GC.

None of them married then?

I wonder who brought OP's children up and provided them with care.

Just tell them you don’t want to?
I pay a childminder to do school drop offs, both main sets of grandparents are retired, but they don’t offer to help so I don’t ask…
My DH and I cover it all between us and use holiday clubs, I do see a lot of Grandparents on school runs and I can only assume they are happy to help out.
It does mean my children don’t have a particularly close relationship with their grandparents, but it doesn’t seem to bother anyone and I certainly wouldn’t assume that anyone wanted to look after my children just because they happened to be retiring.

You can always say no

It's a shame that there's so many people who would love to babysit their grandchildren and never get to see them. And on the other side of the coin, there's some people who spend every single day (and night, in some cases) doing exactly this. I personally would like to help, if my kids have their own in a couple of decades, as long as I'm healthy enough, but I would set limits.
And I only have 2 kids-people with a few siblings often say their parents won't help, because even if they only offered a day each, that would be most of the time.
I would say it is unreasonable to keep working JUST because you want it as an excuse not to babysit. Now if you want to work, nothing wrong with that, but if you can afford to retire and don't for an "excuse", to me that seems wrong. Only my opinion, but you've asked.