to want to carry on working so I do not end up doing childcare?

[skizz]

I mentioned to my DC that I was thinking about retiring, just exploring options, nothing even decided yet. Their immediate response was along the lines of “oh that would be perfect, you could help with childcare, school pickups, when they are ill, that sort of thing.”

I actually do not want to give up work and slide into being on-call childcare. I like working. I like having my own routine, my own space and my own independence. The idea that any flexibility automatically gets translated into availability for childcare does not appeal to me whatsoever.

I have friends who do regular childcare for their grandchildren and honestly they are constantly picking up bugs, dealing with sickness, plans being cancelled last minute because a child is ill. It looks absolutely exhausting. It is not how they imagined retirement but they got railroaded into it by their daughters/DILs.

I would rather keep working than be doing childcare.

Then you just say NO. That simple.

Quite. A village wasn’t just your parents. Otherwise it would be it takes “a family” it means a wider community and notably other families.

Doing a school pick up for a primary child should be and is an absolute joy for grandparents. What is wrong with you?

Don't provide childcare if you don't want to but don't be surprised of other Granny get prioritised at Christmas and holidays etc because she's the one who helps when they need it.

Maybe gps have their own social calendar, regular weekly groups they go to, or want to go on holiday sometimes? They've had their days of being tied down to a school schedule. Doing it sometimes is okay, or if you can say 'not today' if you have an event on. If it's such a joy, parents do it and get all the joy.

Guilted into what?
You seriously think that all the time grandparents spend helping out, all the hours every day would be repaid in kind? Ha. Ha ha. They have already proven they don't care by threatening lack of elderly care and shown what they think of their own parents clearly.

The parents have already paid their dues by bringing up their own children.
If those children then expect even more and manipulate their own parents into doing childcare they don't want, for fear of being left alone in their old age as a pay back then.. yuck. Probably better off without them and I hope they leave the house to Battersea dogs home.

Ask any normal well adjusted grandparent and they’ll tell you it’s a bloody joy.

Agree .

I'm sure it is. However, there are other joys to be had in life too. I wouldn't mind doing it sometimes, but I'd expect my children to have a back up plan for days I couldn't.

The parents have already paid their dues by bringing up their own children.

No one has paid any dues by bringing up their own children.

That’s what you’re supposed to do.

If you don’t want to bring up your own children, then don’t have them.

Having children doesn’t entitle anyone to care in their old age.

And you’re actually accusing other people of emotional manipulation?

'What's wrong with you?'

At least no manipulation with you, just an attack.
Not everyone wants to. Nothing wrong with them. Full stop.

Exactly. Who needs children who only care relative to what you can do to serve them? I don't want to burden my children with care when I'm older. I'll let support services do that and hopefully just enjoy my children's company when I'm fortunate to have it. If my children had the attitude of some here, they'd get less from me. I don't really respond well to manipulation and demanding.

Over and over and over again, with the threats and transactional element. It's like parents never did anything for their kids since they were born.

'I hope they don't expect you to look after them in their old age' and it's variants, is the new 'cash the cheque'

Right back atchya. Bring up your own children without guilt tripping and manipulation of grandparents.

That's what your supposed to do. If you can't look after them without grandparents, don't have them.

That’s weird and sad. I loved picking my little ones up from school at primary and if I’m ever blessed with grandchildren I can’t imagine deciding I’d rather not do that as I had something else I’d rather do? Like what?

That's if they accomplish the difficult task of getting to old age without having their children go NC. I mean, while doing them free childcare they might give the child and extra cookies or take them to the park without enough layers on, or tell the GC off for jumping on the furniture when they should have let them express themselves. All NC worthy these days.

If you want to not be seen as selfish then give a little. You decide how much and what you offer. You need to use your words! Refer back to the things your dc said and say, school pick ups are to much of a tie but we would be willing to do a day a week in the school holidays or whatever you are happy to do. Maybe even stress that you are looking forward to lots of time to do what you want in retirement but you can offer some time, ask them what would be most help.

“they got railroaded into it by their daughters/DILs”

did you miss the part where dads are also responsible for their children? Internalised sexism much?

I do, though.

My children have always been in nursery. In fact, I don’t know anyone who had any childcare from grandparents.

Most people do, because the vast majority of grandparents do not provide any childcare.

My parents actually want a relationship with their grandchildren though, and enjoy spending time with them.

They actively spend time with my children, not bitch about them online.

I would love picking up my GC from school, but not on Monday when I have a musical group I play in, and not on Thursday when I go hiking with my older children. That sort of thing. Tuesday? Would love to and look forward to it!

"I have plans for my retirement. It's the first time in my life that I'll be able to be spontaneous, and not held back from doing the things that I want to do, by the commitment to turn up to work every day. I'd like to travel/go on days out without rushing back/take UK mini breaks/be able to go and visit friends/join in with get togethers that my retired friends have etc.
I'll be here for you in emergencies and when you're stuck (probably) but I can't commit to school pick ups every day, as that would place the same kind of limits on my activities that work has done for the last forty years"

You see, there is nothing wrong with you doing that and finding enjoyment if it happens. But can you not understand that people are all not like you and that's ok too? You don't have to go on the personal attack. Just enjoy what you want to enjoy and not judge others for doing what they want to do for their source of enjoyment.

We don't agree, clearly
But I'm of the thinking that treat people especially family as you wish to be treated.
Not being involved regularly- no one said every day, when you have the time and knowing the burden it would lift, is selfish in my opinion. Therefore, if people are selfish in their help towards you- and we all need help sometime- then it's a natural consequence of our own actions.

But I didn't ask to have the grandchildren and wasn't consulted on their timing of arrival. I was just told about them. It's selfish to expect someone to put their life on hold because you made a choice.

(I don't have any gc btw).

I was waiting for the other well-trotted out line of
My parents actually want a relationship with their grandchildren though, and enjoy spending time with them.
Another guilt-trip manipulation for those who do not wish to do loads of childcare.

People can and do have relationships with their grandchildren without committing to the school run every day or looking after them every day in some capacity. This is childcare.
Vastly different in occasional babysitting, fun days out as families, popping around to see the family, where there still can be a relationship, just as you have found in your family.