to want to carry on working so I do not end up doing childcare?

[skizz]

I mentioned to my DC that I was thinking about retiring, just exploring options, nothing even decided yet. Their immediate response was along the lines of “oh that would be perfect, you could help with childcare, school pickups, when they are ill, that sort of thing.”

I actually do not want to give up work and slide into being on-call childcare. I like working. I like having my own routine, my own space and my own independence. The idea that any flexibility automatically gets translated into availability for childcare does not appeal to me whatsoever.

I have friends who do regular childcare for their grandchildren and honestly they are constantly picking up bugs, dealing with sickness, plans being cancelled last minute because a child is ill. It looks absolutely exhausting. It is not how they imagined retirement but they got railroaded into it by their daughters/DILs.

I would rather keep working than be doing childcare.

Why can't you accept that others may want to say no then?

We don't have to live our lives the way you do.

@skizz you still haven't told me what "else you have going on" cant wait for the massive drip feed about your health or other caring responisibilitys.

@skizz because if we all helped each other more the world would be a lot nicer place.

We can certainly agree to differ, IMO it is hypocritical to keep pushing a narrative about the injustice of men dodging childcare, and women being expected to do it, while having that problem in your own life and meekly accepting it, how can you ask how it happens and why nothing is done about it, whilst it is happening right under your nose and you are doing nothing about it? Surely you are answering your own question before you have asked it?

You can't change anyone else, no one is saying you should, it is what you are willing to tolerate/accept in your relationships with others that makes change happen, if you tolerate being put upon, expected to do more, then more, then more (just like your friend) at the cost of your health and your happiness then that is really a boundary problem that needs looking into, no one should feel or be made to feel that way.

To be honest my back has been up a little bit since the beginning of this thread when it was the DD/DDIL that have been blamed for having unreasonable expectations on their own mothers and MIL, you defended it as 'just your friend' saying that, but you have gone on to confirm that your OWN DD has completely unrealistic expectations of you.. you have downgraded it now to 'just being asked', but you've already posted multiple times about what her expectations are and how unreasonable/entitled they are and how much they will impact on your life.. to the point where you think you need to lie and make excuses to get out of the obligation altogether.

Take out all this debate about men vs women, and all this thread boils down to is that some family members will absolutely take the piss, and others will absolutely allow the piss to be taken out of them, seemingly just women on both sides, I'm not sure why or what the solution is, but I'd be mortified if my mum had ever feel like you do, no one should expect you to sacrifice everything you've worked hard for, to do something you don't really want to do, just so they can save a bit of money every month. The entitlement is off the charts.

The OP is not obligated to tell us anything. She doesn't want to retire in order to perform full time child care for her offspring, for free.

Frankly I don't blame her, why give up a paid job to work even harder, for free!

Why do I have to tell you?

Just because you are happy to provide long lists of everything you do, it does not mean I have to.

Like I said, you have no idea what I do.

Are you like this with all your neighbours and people you meet? Telling them constantly lets all help each other?

I didn't defend what my friends said - I repeated what they said. There is a difference. I also said I challenged them. But I am hardly going to sit my friends DDs/DSs/DILs to tackle them about who exactly is railroading who. That is their business.

Yes my OWN DD asked. Did you read that my OWN DS asked also? No railroading here. They both asked when I mentioned perhaps retiring. I have not downgraded their asking because all they have done is asked if you retire, will you do childcare for us? What else should I call it? Being threatened at gunpoint?

Childcare would be a million times harder than my job! I get breaks, I WFH several days a week, I have flexible hours. Childcare for babies and very young children is non stop and very intensive.

Going to be honest here. With all the things she does, I wonder where she fits in her children.

I meant "from a very sexist culture" not sexual 😂

Did you suggest they ask their dad too? Would be interesting to see their response

I can't work out if you are being deliberately obtuse or not.

all they have done is asked if you retire, will you do childcare for us?
No railroading here.

Well that is the complete opposite of pretty much everything you have said on your thread up to this point, you whole thread revolves around doing everything you can to avoid telling your children that you don't want to do any childcare for them, as the expectations from them are far too much, and anything you did would never be enough for them. Yet now you are completely backtracking and saying that they have no expectations of you, they have only asked and implied that you would be free to say no??

I was thinking about retiring
Their immediate response was along the lines of “oh that would be perfect, you could help with childcare, school pickups, when they are ill, that sort of thing.

It is not a bit of childcare. It would be school pick ups which is a lot.

It does seem like they are seeing it as an opportunity to get childcare

There are so much judgements and expectations that it seems easier just to work.

this would not be occasional. It would be school picks ups, nursery drop off and pick ups, looking the the grandchildren when they are ill so their parents can work, other emergencies.

I don't get asked to do pick ups because I work. If I retire, it would be expected I do it everyday.

The expectations are already there before retirement.

It would not be just school pick ups. DD has suggested I may like to look after her baby for a couple of days a week so she can do more days at work as well as picking up her other children from school.

It certainly seems as if my DC have plans for my retirement!

I will stop mentioning any talk of retirement for now to them as that is what triggers the 'you can help with childcare' comments.

I take days off now and don't usually tell the DC otherwise they end up asking me to do childcare!

People keep saying have boundaries. I will have boundaries but those expectations remain.

DD wants me to look after her baby 3 days a week and pick up her older child from school. The other DC want help also.

Do you analyse everything this much?

Years ago my career orientated SIL changed her government revenue inspector job to a 2.5 day week.
She told me she loved her work days, coffee break and lunch breaks something she didn't get while looking after 2 under 3.
She 100% found working easier than two full on energetic toddlers.
She was in her very late 30's.
Not hard to believe.
She was very grateful to be able to do both, but was very clear which was easier when they were pre school age.

I did that. Changed to 2.5 days a week. It was a good mix actually but I had to go back to work when my youngest was 18 weeks. It was awful. He wouldn’t, under any circumstance, take a bottle. Even with my milk in it. Ended up trying every cup under the sun then found one that he would tolerate. Still have it. But, I missed him so much. It was far too early to leave him, even though he was with his grand parents.

Don’t think the younger generation appreciate that we got 6 weeks pay before having our babies then 12 weeks after.

They get 9 months.

OP has nine grandchildren. If she only had a couple and wanted to provide some help, she could maybe offer one or two days of childcare support. The only way to accommodate nine grandchildren would be to do it full time or take it in turns which wouldn't lead to the childcare bill being reduced for any of her children. If she offers childcare for only one of her children, the others would be even more pissed off than if she had offered no childcare to anybody.

I don't think OP can win whatever she does. I can see why she is reluctant to retire. I post as someone who provided free childcare for a grandchild for two days a week until they started school, and I now do some after school pick ups and care in the school holidays.

How on earth is OP being 'self indulgent' by not providing regular childcare? Some people are great with small children and really enjoyed the early years with their children. Other people, not so much so would probably not want to look after small children alone again, when they themselves are much older and less mobile.

You keep saying that you aren't judging but you have called OP 'horrible' for not wanting to retire and take on child care responsibilities to reduce her childrens' child care bills.

Thank you.

I see the posts on here all the time from DD/DILs posting about favouritism and not getting equal help with childcare. It has caused so many issues. With 9 grandchildren all of different ages and on the young side, it would be really difficult to manage with everyone. Especially when there are weekly illness, childminder and nursery issues - I see it on the family whatsapp group.

You are very vocal about your 'good works' to help others and very judgey about people who don't subscribe to your particular philosophy of helping. You are also very persistent to the point of rudeness to try and goad OP to tell you what she does to help other people.

OP, my friend has 4 daughters with 13 grandchildren between them 1-11.
We played tennis yesterday for the first time in months.
They all live nearby her.

It is relentless, despite the fact that she doesn't provide any regular childcare.
They all work and she said it's a rare day that someone doesn't need something.
She's fit in her mid 60's.

She loves them and they are great girls but it is relentless.
She's another woman who is booking holidays anywhere and everywhere on a regular basis for a break.

She is so grateful for their excellent pensions that they can afford regular sun holidays.
She worked full-time for 40 years.
She's no pushover either.

When her phone goes she said she braces herself a bit for "what now!
She really loves her daughters too.
It is not easy.