to want to carry on working so I do not end up doing childcare?

[skizz]

I mentioned to my DC that I was thinking about retiring, just exploring options, nothing even decided yet. Their immediate response was along the lines of “oh that would be perfect, you could help with childcare, school pickups, when they are ill, that sort of thing.”

I actually do not want to give up work and slide into being on-call childcare. I like working. I like having my own routine, my own space and my own independence. The idea that any flexibility automatically gets translated into availability for childcare does not appeal to me whatsoever.

I have friends who do regular childcare for their grandchildren and honestly they are constantly picking up bugs, dealing with sickness, plans being cancelled last minute because a child is ill. It looks absolutely exhausting. It is not how they imagined retirement but they got railroaded into it by their daughters/DILs.

I would rather keep working than be doing childcare.

Exactly the point of the thread earlier today.
Neither of our parents did childcare . My mum was still working and mil lived too far but we visited them every week and my kids had a good relationship with them both. Unfortunately all grandparents died before any care was needed from us but I certainly would not have witheld it because they didn't do school pickups.

Just because they ask you don’t need to say yes. I have two young children - one of my parents agreed to do some after school childcare, but actually it didn’t end up working for them so they let me know and I booked her into after school club instead. Absolutely no hard feeling at all - their retirement is well deserved and young kids are hard work! If they want to help, great but I also won’t hold it against them if they can’t or don’t want to.

The main thing is communication - don’t sort of agree and then back out last minute. Just be upfront and honest about what you are and aren’t willing to do, and if they’re not reasonable about it then that’s on them.

Obviously so, if that's an issue for you could I politely suggest you move along & just go read other threads that don't bother you? Just a thought...

But relationships are transactional in nature.

How do you possibly have and maintain a relationship when only one party gives time and effort to it?

I don’t blame anyone who would not provide support to someone who didn’t provide support to them.

It’s simple cause and effect.

Funny how it's never the sons asking mum for childcare. Oh yeah, of course they don't, they've already offloaded it onto their wives and so it's their problem.. 🙄

“The other day you mentioned school pick ups when I mentioned retirement. I just want to make clear I won’t be doing childcare if and when I retire. After working X years I will be wanting a nice long break and then to have the freedom to travel/ learn pottery & try glassblowing.”

then you’ve set expectations.

So say "no". Say it clearly and firmly. Don't apologise, don't explain.

OP, you started this thread as if this was a personal situation about you.

Multiple posters have suggested options e.g. setting boundaries, saying no etc.

You've replied to none of those suggestions.

It' starting to look like you're here to bicker or make some kind of political point.

What do you think about the suggestions relevant to your own case?

Are you the thread police making sure someone responds the way you want and making sure every suggestion is replied to?

Exactly 🤷

Time and effort can be given without childcare.

I voted Yabu because you are being a wet lettuce.
Retire, preferably somewhere far away with lots of sunshine, and you can both not work and not raise your grandchildren.
I recommend France

And fhat’s why I already asked you what kind of relationship you envisaged having with your grandchildren.

Do you plan on spending any one on one time with them, doing some babysitting, or nothing at all?

But you didn’t respond.

I already spend time with them.

Thanks for your suggestion.

@Dragracer
Oh my days, we get it, grandparents dont want to help look after their grandchildren. We know. Just dont be whingeing when your kids dont provide you with care and your grandchildren dont bother visiting you.

So our generation takes care of our own children and our own parents but your generation wants us to take care of you, your children and ourselves? Who do you take care of ever?

And you can’t just say no to childcare, because…?

This threat keeps coming up like it is impossible to have a relationship without childcare.

It’s not.

But it is impossible to have a relationship if you are unwilling to put any effort into having a relationship.

So, it depends on what you mean by childcare.

Providing regular childcare when the parents are at work?

OR

Spending some one on one time with your grandchildren, including occasional babysitting.

Yes why blame the women only !

sons and SIL are recipients and asking for this childcare aswell

v sexist !

Just wondering why you're not replying to suggestions and not interested in any solutions at all.

You don't want solutions do you?

the village tended to include ppl telling other peoples kids off if they caught them misbehaving. Now it only means free childcare.

You are under no obligation to provide childcare nor should you be . Make this very clear to them asap. It’s difficult but you need to be very straight about this . Personally I do think the kind thing to do as a parent would be to help out in an emergency or take kids for the very odd night or day for a wedding or such an occasion. That said it’s up to you completely. But school picks ups etc or every time the nursery can’t take them because they have a sniffle ?No way . My parents do very little for me childcare wise and I don’t begrudge them at all they are elderly. But my dh’s mum is much younger does take my kids the odd night and I couldn’t be more grateful. It makes so much difference to your life as a parent to have that occasionally.

People also dont seem to be as bothered about the grandFATHER not having a bond with the GC because of not doing childcare

I plan on pretending I am still working to everyone involved. It's easier than standing up to the combined expectations of the older patriarchy and the younger nonmatriarchy.