To think there are more adult children left behind like this?

[Dappy777]

My middle-aged relative lives with his widowed mother. He sleeps in his childhood bedroom, doesn't work and has never had a proper job. He pays no NI and won't get a state pension. We're pretty sure he has an avoidant personality disorder (he ticks all the boxes), but he won't see anyone. If his mother has to go into a care home, the house will be sold and he'll be homeless.

A new lady has started at work whose brother is almost exactly the same. Last week we were discussing them when another colleague said she knows two adult children like this – one male, one female, both in their 40s, neither working nor claiming, reclusive, and living with ageing parents.

She added that she has a friend who works in social care and who says you'd be surprised how many are out there – adult children living at home, struggling with undiagnosed problems (anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, poor social skills), who don't work or socialise, hide away until their parents die, and then have no idea how to cope.

Do you think it is more common? If it is, why?

My great aunt Mabel was like this.

born about 1910 ish died mid 1970s.
but I think her family did not want her to work. There was a lot of opposition to women working then.

I can relate to this

i am very upset by the tendency to blame parents on this thread. I speak as a parent of a 53 year old woman who has huge social and
other problems. I knew when she was a child she was not progressing normally. Slow with all milestones, slow to speak, unable to make friends. From my research I can now confidently say she is on the autism spectrum but she has never had an official diagnosis. My efforts to obtain help for her as a child were dismissed by our GP “what do you want a diagnosis for - for financial help?”, by her primary school “you are comparing her with her elder sibling” and her secondary school where she had a dreadful time as “there’s no problem with her behaviour so we’re not interested. She’s just not very academic “. At our insistence she was diagnosed when at school with moderate learning disability. She struggles hugely with numbers and technology. She’s managed to get a basic part time job but has struggled to keep it. In order for her to try to live independently we bought a small flat for her locally and she likes living there. We support her as much as we can but we’re now in our seventies with failing health. She has no one else to rely on and no real friends. It’s a huge worry. We had no help at all from anyone. I tried social services but as soon as they saw she had a middle class family supporting her they had no suggestions. Please don’t automatically blame parents - we have spent 50 years blaming ourselves, thinking we could have done more.

My DS is diagnosed with Level 2 autism and will either need to live with me and his dad when he grows up, or in some sort of supported living facility. His autism is ‘visible’ in that he ticks, stim, repeats words etc, so people probably won’t question him being home with us as an adult. But I wanted to say that people with Level 1 autism, who can pass as neurotypical at first glance, are also still in need of varying degrees of help as adults and also lack the ability to initiate independence. I suspect many of these adults are people that the OP is referring too. FWIW I am diagnosed autistic and struggled greatly with the transition to adulthood, but my DM was incredible and made sure that she equipped me with the skills I needed and then gently nudged me out into the world. I was very lucky to have her.

I fear it may only get worse for many disabled young people. Employability services, which help many young people find suitable work placements, have been absolutely decimated. Also lack of social housing/supported accommodation.

Nice? I’d much rather get out the house and have a full life.

It’s a bit beside the point but just want to share that if his mum goes in to a care home I would make sure that someone is able to advocate on his behalf to get the house disregarded. If someone with a disability or is over 60 is living there then they will not count the house as an asset. It could even be worth talking to them about getting him to see if he does have a diagnosis as this might be an incentive.

I do agree with you though, in my job I have come across so many men, and it’s always men for some reason? who have been cared for by their parents until they die and have never had outside support or a diagnosis

I have a family member like this. Always lived at home with parents. Always worked but in low ish paying jobs so couldn’t support themselves comfortably. Happy to stay at home and pay her “keep” to mum and dad. Sees it as her way of helping her parents out. Stops her from getting lonely or overwhelmed.

Maybe it is mutually beneficial in some ways. But it isn’t what I would want for my dc.

In the old days it wasn't always ND, sometimes gay men who didn't dare come out would live at home because the alternative was to marry. It was far more socially acceptable for women to set up home together (all the spinster aunts etc) and while it might be suspected that they were lesbians, eyebrows weren't raised. Whereas two men would be socially ostracised if they lived together.

So men who felt they couldn't come out, stayed at home with mother. When mother died, they would often emerge into society and live their best lives.

This makes sense. And importantly there wasn’t the social security system there is now. People had to work unless they had a private income/ inheritance.
Interesting point @Vroomfondleswaistcoat At my school jn the 80s 2 middle aged unmarried teachers lived together. My mum rushed to say “ how sensible, they can split bills and keep each other company “. Probably to push aside any suspicion of lesbianism, god forbid.

I don't think it's more common now but now I think it's more common for it to be men.
I know of two men, in their forties, healthy, who both still live at home and made no effort with their lives really. They both live like adult teenagers, taking on a bit of work here and there. One was imprisoned for a short period and was involved with a brilliant support service who organised independent living but he didn't like it and the parents came and collected him. He now rules the house. Pays for nothing and dictates what happens.
The other just never had any ambition and his parents were very softly, softly about it all. Before you know it, years have passed and how could we throw poor Son out??

The other scenario I know of is separated men who move home to get back on their feet or move home when they have the kids at weekends (so grandparents can babysit) and then just move in full stop.
I honestly don't know any women who live like this.
Adult children with disabilities is completely different.

If you ever watch Hoarders on YouTube you’ll see plenty of adult teenagers living in hovels with their increasingly decrepit parents (and several thousand cockroaches)

Hoarding is probably linked to neurodivergence in many cases so makes sense. I’ve got the T shirt on that one- hoarder dad co living with autistic brother who took over the hoarding baton with a vengeance after dad’s death. I was knee deep in rubble for 2 weeks sorting it out after brother went into mental health rehab ☹️

My Ds (24) is at a crossroad right now. He's not worked or studied for 5-6 years due to catastrophic breakdown. I'm a big fan of getting diagnoses - and he has done so for Borderline PD, psychosis, generalised anxiety, depression. He's been waiting about 5 years for ADHD screening and can't be arsed to even get on the waiting list for autism screening .... However, there is no support for people anyway. He sees NHS psych TWICE A YEAR - to monitor his meds. That is it. Rest of the time it's up to me and his younger brother. How the fuck are we supposed to make him resilient and normal and productive???
So, after all this he is taking small steps to start training next week but I can't see him being able to work full time or consistently, ever, or earn enough to support himself. He doesn't claim any benefits as he received a small inheritance. He was unable to cope with signing on in order to receive NI contributions.
I can fully understand how this situation arises frequently.

I have an acquaintance a bit like this. He moved out briefly in his 30s but was soon back. Never had a job other than the family business that his Dad set him up with helping with. He says it was due to his parents needing care but I have my doubts about that. Later in life, he was a carer for his Dad and inherited the house when Dad died. He also inherited the family business but didn't have any idea how to run it and it was soon ran into the ground. I tried to support him with going bankrupt with that, but he didn't want to ultimately and I gave up.

He lost the family house due to frivolous spending and ended up living in a caravan inside the family's business premises and then I helped him get a house when the business went bust.

He became my lodger briefly as he couldn't afford the house but he most definitely expected a 'Mum' figure out of me and was insufferable to live with, constantly nit-picking at me for things that were not a problem per se but not the way he would have done things. Quite a lot of my belongings got broken or misused and he would follow me around the house 'telling me off' about things he didn't agree with. I asked him to leave in the end.
Definitely autistic but with no support. He's early 60s now and has a HA house, but doesn't function well with it. Not much furniture, unclean and always cold and unkempt. He doesn't have much clothing or bedding etc, always in the same clothes.

Getting him out of the house to do something no matter what it is is really
important, getting used to being outside of his comfort zone while he is still young @Girrrrrrlll

I hope others may have suggestions to help with your daughter's future, but I just wanted to say that she has clearly been loved all her life with you and that is no small thing.

I don’t think his life sounds nice at all.

My BIL is in his late 50s and still lives with his parents. He does work, and bought their house, but he has very poor social skills and is quite gullible; he's had one girlfriend who took advantage of him financially. Since then his parents have fussed over him and discouraged him from meeting anyone. He struggles with basic things like using a computer, a self service checkout or a cash machine. His parents are in their 80s, I don't know what they think is going to happen to him when they go. He is misogynistic and ignorant in his views, so I can't see any woman tolerating him. I think they expect DH to take over their role when they die.

I have a distant relative like this in her 50’s. Her 90 odd year old mother has recently died, she was an only child so has inherited her house and money. She’s never worked, she also has a son in his late 20’s who again has never worked.

I have no idea how they all support themselves (must be benefits to an extent) but they always have money to eat out, go to the pub, go shopping and go on holiday.

It’s always been a thing. I can think of 2 men in my extended family who lived like this when I was a child. No one had heard of autism in those days.

It’s not necessarily a bad thing. He can be an carer for his mum as she gets older and they’ll be company for each other.

Well, at worst they've saved money (or saved the state money) by sharing the house.

You’re giving him a safe space, which sounds like exactly what he’s needed. It sounds like he has a fair few challenges and I’m not surprised that you’ve all struggled with that, you all deserve more support and I know first hand that it’s practically non existent. 24 was an age where a lot changed for me in a very short space of time, I went from living with my parents in rural Norfolk and earning a minimum wage to living in London with my boyfriend and training as a teacher! Huuuuuge challenge! Every step gave me more confidence and then I was off, completely independent and have been ever since.

Yes I think it’s always been case. I know a family friend who had a daughter just kept at home (she had some type of undiagnosed learning disability she failed her GCSEs and couldn’t pass driving test) they had enough money to keep her and she was a companion to her mum. Last saw her at my grandma’s funeral.
My mums neighbour in her 80s is clearly autistic. She lived with her mum until 40s and then married and he moved in with them. Mum and husband died within months of each other and she was 70s but totally incapable. She is totally reclusive and my mum assists with things like taking her to optician.
Another neighbour of my mum had been married off at 16 to an older man and never worked and again reached old age and suddenly finds herself alone and limited functioning eg can’t read or write well.
Theres lots of yp in 20s failed to launch and just at home. Dropped out of uni. Often supported by family so not on anyone’s radar.

Thanks @bigwidegreyarea (and good on you!). Sometimes I allow myself to hope that we might all get out of the nightmare- and your response encourages me.