To think there are more adult children left behind like this?

[Dappy777]

My middle-aged relative lives with his widowed mother. He sleeps in his childhood bedroom, doesn't work and has never had a proper job. He pays no NI and won't get a state pension. We're pretty sure he has an avoidant personality disorder (he ticks all the boxes), but he won't see anyone. If his mother has to go into a care home, the house will be sold and he'll be homeless.

A new lady has started at work whose brother is almost exactly the same. Last week we were discussing them when another colleague said she knows two adult children like this – one male, one female, both in their 40s, neither working nor claiming, reclusive, and living with ageing parents.

She added that she has a friend who works in social care and who says you'd be surprised how many are out there – adult children living at home, struggling with undiagnosed problems (anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, poor social skills), who don't work or socialise, hide away until their parents die, and then have no idea how to cope.

Do you think it is more common? If it is, why?

I agree. And when you hear stories of NT young people who have applied to hundreds of jobs, multiple interviews, and unable to get work, what chance does someone have who is unlikely to pass an interview?

I know a few people like this. In one case, his mother is so unwell and disabled that she needs to enter residential care but that would leave him homeless. She's already lost all her money/assets bar the house from keeping him afloat. He has various conditions including mental health ones (obviously) and he has all his diagnoses but that doesn't really change anything. He's not her carer, he can't even look after himself and he's an enormous strain on her (he's very hard to live with and doesn't contribute financially or at all). It's really sad.

There are others too.

There will always be people like this. If MIL had her way that would have been DHs life.
my friends BIL was like this but he has met a woman and moved out with her, it’s one parent
replacing another though.

That sounds brilliant! Best of luck for your DS. ❤️

Not nice really though is it?

I agree. Most went to the factory or mill where their dad worked, with the rest of their non academic classmates. Girls got pregnant and either married or got a council house and benefit.

I have known multiple people through life who have siblings or cousins like this.

Where I grew up next door but 1 to us are like this 3 adult children lived with their parents until they died. Now you don't see any of them the front and back gardens are overgrown and they only get food delivered.

He has a job which is brilliant!

And yet the prevailing sentiment on MN regarding young adult children is that they dont earn enough to move out, they’d be wasting their money on rent, they can live “ at home” indefinitely saving for a deposit…
It might sound harsh but sometimes it’s essential for young adults to endure some hardships in order to gain independence and self reliance, and not leave it too late.

They’ve had no life have they. It’s sad x

I agree, it's not 'nice'. It's sad and lonely and a waste.

My ex's brother and sister do both work, but they are a bit like this, especially the brother. He went to university but dropped out in the first year and since then he's had very low-paid, often part-time work, often odd hours. He doesn't socialise and doesn't have any friends, and he has absolutely no social skills. He can't make conversation and comes across as rude because he will only reply 'yes' or 'no' without elaborating. There is absolutely nothing in his life. He doesn't particularly gel with his parents or his sister. He won't try to move out because it'd be a one-bed flat and he doesn't want that.

Years ago, I realised that once his parents died, they would probably not be able to pass the house on (because it's a council tenancy that's already been passed on from a relative), but he is complete denial about that and he doesn't know how to cook for himself or do laundry.

I think there comes a point where someone just can't re-integrate into society. They're too much on the outside of it. But it is miserable.

No one would want that.

I know someone like this and though he did work, it was a job where he sat at a computer and didn't really have to talk to anyone. His father died very young and he stayed with his mum until she died in her 90s. He's in his mid-60s now and is one of the most unworldly people I've ever met. I've had to show him how to do very basic things, such as threading a needle, how to sew on a button and how to cook veg in a steamer.

The amazing thing is that from being so quiet and retiring he's come out of his shell quite dramatically. This started after he began going to dancing classes and he's now entering competitions and dancing in public, wearing sparkly suits, which would have been unthinkable a few years ago. It's been fascinating to see the change.

This really isn't what we're talking about.

What a sad state of affairs that adults face the unknown with no life skills, no job, no home……..what were their parents thinking in allowing matters to escalate so!

What, you’re jealous. Why don’t you do the same then?

My ex has family like this. They're full time carers to their parents now, so I guess it worked out

My first propee boyfriend never moved out of his parents house ,he died last year aged 51 he was a raging alcoholic and died from liver failiure
It was just very sad he had no life to speak of no job, no reltionship no kids
.

This isn’t new though

I've wondered this, and while my children are still young (primary age), with no additional needs, I do wonder what I'd do if I was in this kind of situation. Obviously I hope they both launch ok but I think the only time I could leave them to sink or swim would be if I was sure they would swim. If I was sure they would sink, as I am sure the man I mentioned upthread would (he already has, really) then I don't know if I could abandon them.

But of course we all leave the world at some point, whether we want to or not, and what happens then?

I had an uncle like this. He lived at home with my grandma and actually died first (smoked himself to death on woodbines). As a child growing up in the sixties it seemed quite common - older, very quiet adults (yes, possibly autistic) staying home, with Mum and Dad.
I have a work colleague with a bright very capable daughter. The daughter is 26 - I can see her 'working on her daughter' - holding her back, keeping her home. Telling her she won't cope - its sad and seemingly working.

Pretty clear @Ilikewinter doesn't belief that autism, ADHD and other problems actually exist. These people just need to pull their socks up and get their finger out and they'd be fine! If their parents had pushed them a bit harder, of course they'd have got a job and a partner and been able to live independently!

Those of us with direct experience of bringing up a child with a diagnosed neurodevelopmental disorder may beg to differ. There's nothing cushy and enviable about living on the margins of society, unable to cope with full-time work, watching your peers pair off, make their own homes and have children and knowing you'll never be able to do the same.

its way nicer to be cared for well in your own home than being shipped off to a shitty nursing home for sure! And multi generational households not uncommon in other parts of the world.

When I was doing OLD I met a man who had never left home and never had a girlfriend. His last surviving parent had just died, so presumably he was looking for a mother figure to replace deceased parents. On our only date, he told me all this and I asked him why did he think it was that he had never left his parents' house. He looked at me for a moment and then replied 'I don't know'. How can one be so self unaware?

He also picked his nose in front of me but that's probably for another thread.

I agree that such people have always existed. I was wondering whether it is more common?

Just a few thoughts:

1. In the past it was almost shameful to be single and childfree. Because of that, women (and men too) used to marry the first person who came along. It was much easier to find a partner. Today, people are more hesitant and choosy. Women won't put up with any nonsense, and they are less likely to settle (and good for them). Unfortunately, for those who are shy, anxious, socially awkward, struggle with poor mental health, etc, dating is tougher. The standards are higher. A young woman expects more from a man, and if he doesn't measure up, too bad.

2. Social media has raised the bar of what you're expected to 'achieve'. When I was 18 (in 1995), there was no SM. I lost touch with people I went to school and college with and had no idea what they were doing. Today, a shy, awkward 25-year-old, who feels left behind, can torture himself with SM images of ex-classmates backpacking around India, or working in New York or partying with a huge group of friends. They feel worthless and left behind, and their solution is to withdraw and avoid (which then leads to more shame and more avoiding).

3. The end of big families and simple jobs for life. In the past, most people stayed put. They had more kids, and bigger extended families. Today people have smaller families, and their relations tend to move away. In other words, life is more complex and the support networks are weaker.