To think there are more adult children left behind like this?

[Dappy777]

My middle-aged relative lives with his widowed mother. He sleeps in his childhood bedroom, doesn't work and has never had a proper job. He pays no NI and won't get a state pension. We're pretty sure he has an avoidant personality disorder (he ticks all the boxes), but he won't see anyone. If his mother has to go into a care home, the house will be sold and he'll be homeless.

A new lady has started at work whose brother is almost exactly the same. Last week we were discussing them when another colleague said she knows two adult children like this – one male, one female, both in their 40s, neither working nor claiming, reclusive, and living with ageing parents.

She added that she has a friend who works in social care and who says you'd be surprised how many are out there – adult children living at home, struggling with undiagnosed problems (anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, poor social skills), who don't work or socialise, hide away until their parents die, and then have no idea how to cope.

Do you think it is more common? If it is, why?

Did he charm them or guilt trip them?

An unemployed soap dodger who's never left home... it's not exactly the dream!

I reckon guilt trip, that’s my gut instinct. I think he’s incredibly manipulative and used every trick he’d learnt on his parents with these women. I assume they were at a vulnerable point in their lives and he took advantage. Thankfully all of them escaped fairly quickly after a couple of months, except the current one.

Gah!! Mental image 🤮 It’s either that or he’s super manipulative.

This really is a mean spirited thread and I can't see the point of it. A lot of posters are just using it to mock those who they deem to have 'failed in life' and to boost their own ego. And yet as many have pointed out, there seems to be a high amount of neurodivergence amongst adult children who find themselves in these circumstances. So it seems very cruel to me to talk about these people in this way. I wonder how it is making parents of neurodivergent children feel about the future too.

I wonder if he'd never met her would he still be living with your mum? Probably. Relationships are the key here. I think time just gets away from these people without that push of a relationship or similar.

I think there are probably many reasons behind failure to launch and I have seen it in one of my uncles, who is autistic. But I think there is often some enabling as well, on top of the ND, and it's hard to know where the line is.

For example - there are things he has learned to do since his parents passed (eg. operating the washing machine properly, doing housework, basic cooking skills, bills and admin) - that he could and should have been doing decades earlier. His just never learned because his parents assumed that it was easier to do it themselves, and then a pattern set in.

There is a point where a certain way of life becomes 'normal' and you get used to it, but it's not right. Sitting in your childhood bedroom whilst elderly parents do your cooking, cleaning, laundry etc... it's just not on.

There are whole populations of people out there who are not at all "aspirational" in the conventional sense.

Including plenty of jobless Romeos who've fathered multiple batches of kids, and are regarded as dead sexy by various women, not necessarily just of that demographic.

They may have Autism, bipolar disorder adhd. Or any other MH or physical condition you have no idea off. So stop being so judgmental and get on with your own life.

You do realise there is no support out there for adult autism & other MH so what choice is there? Assisted living is rare and very expensive. Just be glad you are dealing with a normal life and let those that are delayed with executive functioning are being supported.

I think people should work to support themselves in some way, and hopefully have a few good friends. As you say, living with extended family is not itself a problem.

If he manages his own affairs within the house, and isn't dependent in that way- I suppose the main problem, or one of them, is it would cause difficulties if he wanted a romantic relationship. Does he want one, do you think?

Multi generational living shouldn't necessarily mean living without friends, socialising etc if it does then that's obviously unhealthy.

Not just male factor, maternal age is linked to autism too.

https://link.springer.com/article/10.1186/s40359-024-02184-9

My husbands cousin was pulled out of school at 7 because he didn't like it. Hasn't been to school, college or had a single job since and he was 37 last week. He's paid no N.I at all. His mum (DH aunty) says shes paid his N.I for him since he was 16. He never ever goes out and they let him stay upstairs gaming all day / night in a converted loft that's kitted out like a mini apartment.
He can't cook, operate a washer, work a hoover nothing. He winds DH off the clock as his dad is the same and his poor aunty is frazzled. She won't be told though.

Presumably he has difficulties you aren’t aware of. His ain’t should help him claim the benefits he is entitled to and not carry this alone.

My relative is this. Worked then covid hit and hasn’t worked since due to social anxiety/depression etc. I can’t see him ever leaving his parents. Still young.

My BIL lives at home but he did work until he then got unwell but started caring for his dad who was sick and terminally ill. Now he has passed his mum is elderly so is helping her out. Late 50s. Parents have a decent house and money though. Can’t see him working again now.

I know three people like this just in my work place. The first was obviously autistic although he retired 15 years ago so he had never been diagnosed, he did his job just fine but lived with his mum until she died then continued in the family home alone.

The second struggles with bi polar, is mid forties and lives with Mother, they go on regular trips to the theatre together, he also holds down a job and seems happy enough.

The third, both son and daughter lived at home, son moved out mid forties, daughter still lives at home and is only slightly younger. The dad of the family had a decent job at my workplace and his son followed him there and does ok, mum and daughter have never worked. Dad died recently so just mum and daughter living at home now. The son has no social life of his own, he spends his weekends taking his mum and sister shopping and they all go on holiday together.

He obviously has issues that his mother understands better than his cousin.
It’s a difficult situation though for all involved.

Is this just a thread against intergenerational living or am I missing something?

He is just a pampered only male child. He is very intelligent - especially with technology - he just doesn't see the point in working when his parents fund his lifestyle. He spends hours on live on Tiktok / Twitch streaming himself gaming. I think he definitely has a gaming addiction but other than that he is sound as a bell.

My middle aged ex BIL lives with his Dad. He can’t afford to move out despite working 6 to 7 days a week.

People who never, ever go out generally have some issues.

@thewonderfulmrswatsonhe may seem
sounds as bell to you but he can be highly
intelligent and good with tech (asd) profile and still have severe difficulties with other things. Daily
living etc.
I work with two men that are diagnosed autistic. Lovely
guys. Work can socialise but they both
live at home One is a musical
savant. So being so bloody judgmental

Is it though - it sounds like a miserable existence to me.

It's sets of circumstances isn't it, a lot of the time? As others have said, for some it is a 'perfect storm' where one or a couple of factors not existing/changing would mean a different outcome.

I had an ex who was autistic, and lived with her parents--she had moved out and rented a council property when she met but moved back in with them not long after. She'd only moved out in her late 30s when she met someone.

Mum was so abused by Dad, a lovely woman, and obviously ASD that it may as well have been tattooed on her forehead, but not diagnosed. I felt so sorry for her. Ex was diagnosed while with me (I practically diagnosed her myself and suggested she pursued a formal diagnosis as she was struggling). Their family set-up was a little bit odd.

Their (also autistic) grandchild lived with them too, he didn't work, he would get jobs but would have a total meltdown at being told what to do, even nicely, would become very angry and lost multiple jobs in the few years I dated my ex. Ex's Dad was very abusive and had a real anger issue. They never seemed to leave their kitchen table, sitting room was out of bounds. Ex lived with them the whole time I dated her and I vetoed staying at their house after a while, the atmosphere was so oppressive. They'd clearly given their children no scope for adulthood.

Ex's sister was abusive toward her partner, other sister was in an abusive relationship and smoked cannabis continuously.

Mum loved having my ex at home. Coddled her completely. She was a bit of respite and company from her awful husband. She was devastated when ex (finally, around a year after we split) moved out, ex told me this as we still spoke, I still support her if she needs help writing letters or dealing with companies that confuse her.

I can see why, if Dad wasn't so awful, ex would still be at home. Grandchild will never live independently, albeit he is with the grandparents not parents.