To think there are more adult children left behind like this?

[Dappy777]

My middle-aged relative lives with his widowed mother. He sleeps in his childhood bedroom, doesn't work and has never had a proper job. He pays no NI and won't get a state pension. We're pretty sure he has an avoidant personality disorder (he ticks all the boxes), but he won't see anyone. If his mother has to go into a care home, the house will be sold and he'll be homeless.

A new lady has started at work whose brother is almost exactly the same. Last week we were discussing them when another colleague said she knows two adult children like this – one male, one female, both in their 40s, neither working nor claiming, reclusive, and living with ageing parents.

She added that she has a friend who works in social care and who says you'd be surprised how many are out there – adult children living at home, struggling with undiagnosed problems (anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, poor social skills), who don't work or socialise, hide away until their parents die, and then have no idea how to cope.

Do you think it is more common? If it is, why?

My dh has a few older relatives like this. Unsurprisingly autism is very prevelant in his family tree. I know one worked as a grass cutter etc for the council, he lived with his parents until they died, he inherited the house and still lives there. It's falling apart around him now. I'm in Ireland and I remember growing up people who lived with their parents forever, usually on the family farm, they would keep a few cows for money. I don't think it's a particularly new thing. Some people find life hard.

There’s a girl on TikTok that’s like this, lives like a teenager, collects makeup she never uses and makes videos complaining about her mum knocking on her door. In her case I strongly suspect learning disability.

I’m not sure it’s more common now just that our opinions on it have changed. My Great Uncle never left home and stayed with his Mum until she passed away, he then moved in with his sister and her family
He was quite a quiet chap, didn’t have any friends and worked as a gardener, my Mum said he would have done anything for family and was much loved, just struggled I think with people that weren’t his immediate family.
Now people would probably think it was super odd, but as one of 7-8 siblings no one thought much of it when he didn’t leave home and everyone else did.
My eldest would probably very similar if not given the encouragement, he struggles socially and is a real home body.
He is Autistic and sometimes finds life just a bit too overwhelming, I suspect my Great Uncle was the same and just relished his smaller world, with less hurry/stress with his hard but quiet work.
One of my friends has never left home, she is married with children and her parents live in the same house and they all have their own areas but are one big family unit.
She works and has a busy hobby, some people would think that it was abit odd to have never left home but her Grandparents before passing away had lived there as well when she was growing up so she has always lived in multigenerational way.
In other cultures I think it’s probably more normal for people of different generations to live together, especially if unmarried.

No, it was a feature of many of my extended family's houses when I was young - at least two or three great aunts had adult sons living at home, so that would be my parents' cousins, they were very shy or antisocial or awkward, they either didn't have jobs or had very low key part time ones, they spent a lot of time on mysterious hobbies (Airfix, meccano, train sets etc, segueing into computers/gaming as the 80s went on). It just seemed normal to me growing up that some people -men - were like that.

Quite a few of these at my exes old work Engineering firm - men who came to work with their Dads, but never left home. When the parents died another sibling ends up caring for them as they couldnt cook or care for themselves elderly Mum's had done everything.

@OwlsDontGoToSchool same, I just thought every family/street had one!

I can think of several friends in their seventies who have children in their late thirties who still live at home. The children have never been encouraged to fledge the nest and do cash in hand part time types of jobs which mean they would be unable to rent or buy anywhere if they wanted.

Is it more likely to be men?

No one is saying they can't. But they're not for various reasons. In the case of my best friend's brother, mum doesn't believe he has a disability, won't get a diagnosis or support and won't help him get a job or be independent. He can't do it alone and friend can only do so much. It's so sad.

You may not be but I’m bringing it into the conversation because I think it’s relevant.

I happen to have a cousin who is the classic lives with elderly parent, will never leave, probably on the spectrum character.

At the same time I can see that the culture of enabling young people to stay with their parents years, and even into decades longer than they used to, could result in a lot more older adults ending up stuck like this. It doesn’t necessarily happen overnight.

Obviously if their severely disabled need full time care then Obviously but otherwise adults need their own lives.

I have a child who will never be able. I haven’t failed them. They are just disabled.

I worked in a community based job, visited houses where I often saw adult (usually) sons still living at home into their 50s. Some had left, then returned, some had never left.
most weren’t working and not claiming benefits either. It’s a hidden issue .
And several friends still have adult sons with autism living at home, one in particular has told me how she would enjoy just living in a quiet house with her DH , but she can’t ask her son to leave

... which costs money. If an adult is unable to get and hold down a decent job, and is single, how are they going to be able to afford their own home? That's before we even start thinking about how some of the people we're talking about could look after their own home.

I think its a good point that there are now very few jobs that don't require social/soft skills. Increasingly, any form of career entails the ability to market yourself and network. I'm naturally quite introverted and find this sort of thing an effort, but I can do it, and I don't hate it. Conversely, any casual job I can think of requires a lot of in-person interaction: the job only exists because there isn't a programme or machine to do it yet.

Contact Adult Care Services regarding sheltered/assisted living

I'm not at all convinced that this is always worse than the alternatives.

Obviously there are individuals who could do more, with support and maybe even tough love. Equally, there are plenty of miserable, isolated, homeless, addicted, criminal men without the benefit of family networks.

I'd walk a mile in the shoes of any parents concerned before criticizing them, and I'd remember that the assumption that adults should live apart from extended family is far from universal, historically and culturally.

Doesn't sound a life id like to live TBH

Yes, although this situation is not ideal, he will get pension credit as you say and if his mother goes into a care home the house won't be sold if there is an adult dependent still living in it. I think that's the case.

Trouble is that for many people, if they don't get married, buying a house or flat is an impossibility.

Surely the mum won't leave him homeless. She doesn't have to wait until she needs serious care before she sells. She could downsize and give some to her son to try and help him get housed. Though of course she's not obliged to.

It does sound depressing but it would be worse for him if he didn't have the support of his mum. He's clearly not well and she's probably all he's got.

I'm sure she wishes he could've been different and had a happier, more successful life. But some people are just not capable of those traditional normal markers of success. I hope he cares for and about his mum and treats her kindly. And her him.

It's a shame that she couldn't get him help earlier on (in fact she may well have tried absolutely everything) but as an adult if he won't comply then there's little anyone can do.

I know a few people like this unfortunately:

an old neighbour (man lived with his mother most of the time). We moved so idk what happened to him.

a friend of a friend (in 40s now) parents ailing - he’s ND but could def live on his own (he works). It’s a complicated one.

a direct friend of mine (using her ‘carer’ role to justify it but she’s never had a relationship - maybe one short term in 30s), her sibling lives abroad so didn’t take on that mantle.

i have met quite a few single people in their 40s or 50s with no DC who basically are enmeshed w their parents whether they live with them or not. I think we all need one close relationship whether that be w a partner, parent or DC.

I’m v conscious of making sure my DC - who have diagnosed MH issues possibly as a result of undiagnosed ND - make their way in the world as much as possible. They’re only early to mid 20s and the eldest has just come home to live again so plenty of time!

This is common in my family and so is autism. The men I know like this tend to stay with their parents and the woman have mostly got married, but continue to live completely dependent on their husbands. I think a lot of it is a combination of poor mental health/social skills and parents that have zero expectations for their children and don’t try to support independence.

My uncle was like this in theory but when his parents died he continued to live in the house, now in his 80s does charity work, goes to church daily, is happy just him. It’s not a given people won’t be ok when they have to be fully alone and between what he does my mum and my aunt and all of us he is fine.

My MIL encouraged it as it would mean having a built in carer. Youngest has moved to live with grandpa abroad ostensibly as his carer so will get some practice

Yep my sibling is this way