To think there are more adult children left behind like this?

[Dappy777]

My middle-aged relative lives with his widowed mother. He sleeps in his childhood bedroom, doesn't work and has never had a proper job. He pays no NI and won't get a state pension. We're pretty sure he has an avoidant personality disorder (he ticks all the boxes), but he won't see anyone. If his mother has to go into a care home, the house will be sold and he'll be homeless.

A new lady has started at work whose brother is almost exactly the same. Last week we were discussing them when another colleague said she knows two adult children like this – one male, one female, both in their 40s, neither working nor claiming, reclusive, and living with ageing parents.

She added that she has a friend who works in social care and who says you'd be surprised how many are out there – adult children living at home, struggling with undiagnosed problems (anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, poor social skills), who don't work or socialise, hide away until their parents die, and then have no idea how to cope.

Do you think it is more common? If it is, why?

We grew with a neighbour with 2 grown up sons at home.
There was 4 siblings.
Two left home but these two didn't.
They held jobs, drove had hobbies etc.
They continue to live in the home after their mom died.
They stayed there till they were elderly and now have passed away.

“Nice if you can get it”
It’s just the life I’d wish for my child🙄

One neighbour like this, but I know she and her sibling were dreadfully abused by their middle class parents (only one remaining). So many hidden stories behind everyone's doors.

My mum was like this when my eldest autistic s [need space from our busy household] moved in with her. She babied him, he didn't have to do a thing and it was a struggle to get him away from her in the end.
I sorted out a small flat for him and he was so happy to move in, but she cried and guilt tripped [usual for her] saying there was no point in living if he went.
He went regardless. She had to get on with it and she died about 7 years later with multiple heath problems. She had seen my s as a surrogate partner who abandoned her.
He is still in his little flat and happy as can be.

Go back decades there were a lot more manual jobs like mining, families needed money for essentials (it’s heading back that way) so the adult men would be sent off with their fathers to work. There was also no internet etc to sit in your room and occupy.

It’s not that long ago you could leave work at 15 if you had a job to go to. Expectations for some were to marry.

These adults existed but some would be working or marry as there was no alternative. I guess the women stayed at home and became the carer.

My brother is like this and I find it really sad and worrying. He has autism, was taken out of school to be home schooled, passed his exams but at 24 has no friends, no hobbies or social life and has never had a job. I blame my mum to be honest, my husband offered him an apprenticeship years ago and my mum said.. Apprenticeships are only for kids whose parents aren’t on benefits. (Basically she doesn’t want him earning or working because it would affect her benefits.
There is also a woman who works in the local shop whose son hasn’t left the house since he finished year 11, he’s 23.

I have a family living close to me where all the children (now adults) still live with their parents. One failure to launch is a misfortune, but ALL of the siblings failing to launch seems like carelessness. The siblings aren't even very young, they're all aged 40 plus. One has a child but is still happy living with mum and dad. Just weird and rather sad.

I think failure to launch is often considered a new phenomenon, but it's gone on for years. I agree with pps, though, that changes in the job market and the loss of so much of Britain's manual labour really hasn't helped.

My uncle is in his late 60s. He moved away for a while then about 10 years ago came back to live with his mother (my gran).He doesn't work and has no money. My gran has now died and his siblings want him to move so the house can be sold. He has nowhere to go.

IMO he is quite severely autistic, but his siblings don't see that and will never help him, which is pretty standard behaviour for them. I'm not sure what'll happen to him tbh.

My partners niece and nephew are like this, total failure to launch. But they're in total denial about it as a family, always another excuse. They have plenty of money so that's not the reason (the niece spent over 3 grand a few years ago on her 30th birthday party). They would benefit from family therapy, if they could acknowledge there's a problem!

There are indeed.

I was only discussing this with my DB the other day as his dd left school three years ago and has never held down a job. They just pay for everything and don’t seem to be doing much to encourage her. Apparently she applies for jobs but doesn’t get very far, and is on the ASD spectrum with poor interpersonal skills. I’m sure she will end up living at home forever. I wonder why there isn’t more support for young people like her (or maybe there is, and they haven’t accessed it)

My brother was almost like this, failed university 3 times (twice away from home and once living at home). He lived at home, usually not working or occasionally temping until he must have been early 30s. Luckily he managed to get on a scheme through mental health services and got an apprentice job doing admin for the NHS. He was then able to rent a flat and is fully independent. He has had a few promotions and is now a band 5 admin manager. It’s all easy work for him (he got 4 As at a level, maths, physics, further maths and chem) but struggled to launch,

I dont think its more common - in think its always been like this.

Yes I've come across a few men like this through my job. The parents usually financially support and the' child' refuses to claim benefits or seek help.
they will be able to claim Pension credit if they don't have enough NI contributions for state pension.
If the parent needs to go into a care home and the child is over 60 and has lived there for some time then I don't think the house has to be sold. Social housing tenancy can often pass on to a child.

It's nothing new.
I know a man in the village who's about 50. Lives with his elderly parents. I'd guess he has a learning disability of some kind but he functions reasonably well. Does odd jobs around the neighborhood.

I think it's very hard for this group of young adults. They are perhaps not bad enough to be able to claim benefits for their condition but will never find it easy yo secure work either. I'm sure my ds will be in this category.

Sometimes it’s impossible

I think it's a growing problem because employment is becoming more complex, requiring more skills even when they don't require formal qualifications (and most jobs require more qualifications) and there aren't the jobs that people who had difficulty adapting can slide into. We also have fewer institutions where "problem" adults can be hidden away (not sure the people you're talking about would likely have met those criteria even when we did, but there are more adults being looked after by parents now than there used to be before care in the community).

Nice? It sounds like a pretty miserable existence, to me.

I’m exactly the same with our young lad he is encouraged forced to take on some level of responsibility but DHs family have had a few generations of failure to launch as the OP describes. There is ND but there are other issues in the family too that lead to that over-dependence in adulthood.

Yes my df has a neighbour where all three kids live at home and are in their late fifties and early 60's. One has severe MH problems, one has been reasonably well functioning in that he has always worked, did move out for a short time but now back. Younger one ( daughter ) has never moved out, always worked very part time and now seems to have drifted into being the carer for both parents as they age.

The problem is (I have a friend whose son is autistic, lives at home with his widowed mother and is facing this future) - benefits will be paid but they aren't enough to cover all the bills for the upkeep of a house. Added to the autism and social anxiety and, even if the house if mortgage free, it's likely to fall into disrepair through a combination of lack of knowledge of what to do and an ability to pay for anything to be done.

So they might be living on benefits, but it's far from a nice life as the house falls down around them.

I've got two friends with sons like this (it tends to be sons not daughters doesn't it?). One of them suffers from anxiety and depression herself and I think has set a trajectory for her (only) child .

The other is a friend of mine who is a school headteacher. She has three adult children. The two daughters are hard working, focused individuals. Her son (now in his 30s) has only held down one part time job in his life, in his late teens, and then gave that up.ascbeinh "too stressful" even though it was a part time minimum wage job. He lives at home and my friend pays for everything for him, cooks and cleans etc even though she is out at work and he is sitting around on his arse all day, gaming. She is divorced and I think she likes the company in the evenings! It drives his sisters up.the wall.

Really ? What is “nice” about a life like that ?

it’s sad and lonely and a wasted opportunity and a bit of compassion wouldn’t be amiss.

This.
I had 2 great uncles like this, they lived together with my gran after she was widowed. At least one of them was on the spectrum, they fought in WW2 so maybe had some PTSD, who knows?
I have DS1 who is struggling to launch, he does have a job but his ADHD means his executive functioning is poor.
I dread the idea of having to live with him until I die 😫