To think there are more adult children left behind like this?

[Dappy777]

My middle-aged relative lives with his widowed mother. He sleeps in his childhood bedroom, doesn't work and has never had a proper job. He pays no NI and won't get a state pension. We're pretty sure he has an avoidant personality disorder (he ticks all the boxes), but he won't see anyone. If his mother has to go into a care home, the house will be sold and he'll be homeless.

A new lady has started at work whose brother is almost exactly the same. Last week we were discussing them when another colleague said she knows two adult children like this – one male, one female, both in their 40s, neither working nor claiming, reclusive, and living with ageing parents.

She added that she has a friend who works in social care and who says you'd be surprised how many are out there – adult children living at home, struggling with undiagnosed problems (anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, poor social skills), who don't work or socialise, hide away until their parents die, and then have no idea how to cope.

Do you think it is more common? If it is, why?

You’re not wrong OP. There have always been loners/‘oddballs’, but the numbers have rocketed. Right now there’s a handful of threads live about sons living in their childhood bedrooms, gaming and refusing to engage with the outside world at all. I’m dreading the public in 20 years. We can’t afford them.

I had a job which required me to work in the community quite some years ago now. It is very common. But I got the impression that a significant amount of the adults living with parents had mild learning disabilities or MH problems. Roughly 1 in 20 people have an IQ of lower than 75 and these people will either struggle to or be unable to live alone.

How can any of you know if it's more or less common than it used to be? It's weird to state something as if it's a fact unless you have some access to the statistics on this.

My brother is one of these, diagnosed with autism as a child and is very very introverted, at school he had a 1-2-1 in class but as he grew older he hated being different, so when he went to college he didn’t tell them he needed accommodations and ended up dropping out. He tried to get a job but again wouldn’t disclose his diagnosis so never got past interview stage then eventually, with the blessing of my parents, gave up. He’s never claimed anything because my parents didn’t want the ‘shame’ of claiming benefits, they pay his NI so he will get a state pension. He’s incredibly intelligent and spends his days reading, writing, playing music and video games. My parents have let him down massively, he needed support to get a job and make friends, and instead they encouraged him to stay at home, he could’ve had a good life but he’s wasted it and I’m waiting for them to die so he can be free.

Nobody knows that, unless they’ve been studying the Census in detail I guess.

Unfortunately I’d blame Covid for a lot of this recent outbreak of MH problems.
Any underlying MH issue came to the fore in or after lockdowns as teens were effectively stuck in their rooms for weeks/months at a time w their mobile phones for company. It really affected my DC and some of their peers in many ways and we tried to get them outside of their pits as much as we could.

My cousin is mid40s and like this. Hasn't had a job for 15 years, never meets anyone outside the family, spends his time watching TV, gaming etc.He never seems stressed but it seems like quite a bland empty life.

Thank you for the earworm.But you're right, and it is very sad.

I know a woman like this. Early 40s and still living with her elderly parents, who must be in their early 80s, having had her later in life.

She did go off to university, and met all the school-related milestones. Graduated at the top of her year (won a prize and everything), and got a related job. Did said job for about 2 years, then just quit. For the past almost 20 years, she's been living in her childhood bedroom, obsessing over musicians and tv shows from her childhood. She spends most of her days fliting around on the internet. Has never driven, so is reliant on local buses, but will only venture a tiny bit further afield if she's accompanied by her pretty frail mother.
Her degree was in a tech field, so long since obsolete. She's completely skill-less.
It'll be a complete disaster when her parents pass, as she's got zero adulting skills.

Surely they’re expect you or another slbling to take him on after their deaths?

It’s usually because of undiagnosed special needs e.g. autism. We have a few EBSA (school refusing) pupils who fit this profile.

To be fair to my friend, she has tried to teach her son about things like council tax and water bills but he basically blanks her, So when she dies and he's left alone in the house, most of the bills are going to go unpaid too because he simply doesn't grasp the importance of paying them.

My colleague's friend is a social worker. She said it's more common than people realize and that things can get pretty grim. For example, you might have a 50-year-old man who lives a quiet life with his mother. He doesn't work or claim benefits and life ticks along. Then she develops dementia. Eventually, the carers can't cope and she has to go into care. The house is sold to pay care costs and the man has nowhere to go.

Such people just aren't equipped for surviving in the real world. I suspect a lot of homeless people come from such backgrounds – they live at home, neither earn nor claim, suddenly lose their parents, are moved to emergency accomodation, have a breakdown, and end up on the streets.

Nice work? I’m sure they would rather have a job, friends, their own home and family…

Yeah- I get you. We've been trying to do this over the last few years. However, if he has a psychotic episode whilst out and about he may become aggressive - in the past, he has shouted death threats at people on a bus, and chased a neighbour up the road with a knife. He goes out when he can but sometimes it is better he stays at home, where the environment is more controlled, he stays more regulated, and the risk of an episode is minimised.

My brother was like this for years. Initially he did work in shops and then clearing tables in a cafe but fell out of the jobs market. He was then sectioned and eventually diagnosed with severe autism and depression. He’s now in Social Services care and completely institutionalised, aged 70. Autism just wasn’t recognised in the sixties and my parents wouldn’t have anything to do with doctors or get him some help. Very sad!

They do, they expect me to take him on. I’ve said I won’t. He is perfectly capable of learning to live independently and I’ll always be there to help, to make sure he doesn’t end up in a shop doorway, but he’s not coming to live with my family like an extra child.

I knew someone like this (close relative). He took his own life aged 47. His sister is furious with his parents for enabling him. Everyone else says "they did what they thought was right"

It's very tough.

I think in my family there are a few but they usually managed/had to work at least a bit - working class families and often families got them in somewhere.

Sometimes they later fell out of work often when elder care became needed and they were ones living there. DH uncle was allowed to stay in council house after parents death - dad cousin parents owned the house and worked same employer all his life - having him there meant great aunt stayed in house till end - it's only now he struggling with ill health.

Possibly our relatives are a bit more on the functional side than many others.

Though even friend of families very disable adult child - oxgen depirved at birth- been at work a bit - and is now in supported living and p/t work.

We do have a uni mate who had a mental health breakdown in early 20s and hasn't worked since - we've tried wider family have tried - no idea what will happen when his parents die as there a huge family but don't think any will take him in.

I agree. People were already spending more time alone in their bedrooms (thanks to internet porn, better video games, YouTube, social media and so on). And the trend was probably in the direction of more MH problems, more isolation, etc. Covid turbo charged something that was already there.

My cousin is like this. She is 27. When I was 27, I was married, had two kids and had bought a house. My youngest is 14, daft, yet is still more grown up and independent than her.

She is the product of her upbringing.

Edited to say, she's on benefits and doesn't work. My auntie talks about her and her best mate (who is very similar and has moved in) as if they are teens. They share a room but it's innocent. My cousin is asexual.

My sister is like this. Severely autistic, has tried to hold down a job and failed, now lives with Mum again. She's physically violent at times which Mum struggles with but there's no support available for her. She accuses Mum of abusing her on almost a weekly basis and often reports her to the police, she's on a warning now. Mum doesn't help by making excuses for her and seems to enjoy the company so I see it as a failure to launch

Mum did ask me if I would take my sister on when she dies and I've refused. It's further complicated as Mum doesn't own a house or have any assets, so my sister really won't have a home to go to. But I just can't put myself through it, life is hard enough.

I have a brother like this. Definitely from an era where things/conditions were not diagnosed.

Really struggled to keep jobs but always managed to work in minimum wage retail until recently where he was let go from a high street clothing retailer as wasn’t able to met certain targets and cannot find another role. Such a shame as on his customer satisfaction surveys he would always get the highest scores. He is properly depressed and it is heartbreaking.

I don’t think my mum did him any favours when younger with constantly coddling him though.

The parents often lie to themselves. My relative's mother has convinced herself that she's letting him stay because he'd never cope. In reality, I suspect she wants him there. I can't see her coping if he left (she's never lived on her own and will be 80 this year). I feel very sorry for him.

Exactly this, social worker here & it is fairly common & it is a higher proportion of men. I think it comes from an era of the parents knowing something isnt quite ' right' but being scared of asking for help. It's rather sad really as potentially a missed opportunity for that person to build friendships & relationships away from their parents.