To think there are more adult children left behind like this?

[Dappy777]

My middle-aged relative lives with his widowed mother. He sleeps in his childhood bedroom, doesn't work and has never had a proper job. He pays no NI and won't get a state pension. We're pretty sure he has an avoidant personality disorder (he ticks all the boxes), but he won't see anyone. If his mother has to go into a care home, the house will be sold and he'll be homeless.

A new lady has started at work whose brother is almost exactly the same. Last week we were discussing them when another colleague said she knows two adult children like this – one male, one female, both in their 40s, neither working nor claiming, reclusive, and living with ageing parents.

She added that she has a friend who works in social care and who says you'd be surprised how many are out there – adult children living at home, struggling with undiagnosed problems (anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, poor social skills), who don't work or socialise, hide away until their parents die, and then have no idea how to cope.

Do you think it is more common? If it is, why?

Another recent article on the struggle to find work. Reading this - my son who graduates in a couple of years isn't going to stand a chance as the video screening will just screen him out, he can't communicate that way. If applications never get in front of a human, and there is huge competition for jobs, there will be some who just get left behind.
www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/cy915dylnqpo

Some job applications are ridiculous IMO. As mentioned previously on this thread, for even very low skilled jobs you need to pass tests and prove literacy and numeracy skills that more than likely you'll never need for the job! Minefield even for some NT people.

Just a post as a man who narrowly escaped this scenario.

I moved out at 26 but found myself back in my childhood home with just my mum at 31 after a few daft money issues.

I was long term single, and this seemed like the ideal solution. My mum didn't charge me rent , but that meant I had a sloppy attitude to work, knowing I could just quit any job I didn't like and would still have a roof over my head and tea on the table.

I didn't save any money, I just spent more going out.

I had no self esteem, there was no point in trying to date as obviously not many women would be attracted to a 30 + year old bloke who lived with his mum and didn't drive.

My mum obviously didn't help matters, she revelled in not being on her own and having someone to do household chores. I was in a trap of my own making without the energy, money or confidence to do anything about it.

Eventually my mum decided to move 100's miles away to the seaside which gave me no choice but to stand on my own two feet again. Once out and in my own flat, it took a while for me to stop beating myself up about wasting years as a 'man child' .

Point is, it's an easy situation to fall into and justify to yourself and I'm sure there's loads of adults living in childhood bedrooms, telling themselves they are saving for a deposit, or that they are not well enough to live on their own, or that there is absolutely nothing wrong with their lives, whilst all the time being completely miserable and feeling like a failure.

It's so difficult now with houses unaffordable and rents astronomical. In the 80s and 90s loads of young people shared houses or flats and rents were quite low. The places were often quite grotty but I still have friends from those days (I made some enemies too!) You didn't need to live at home because you could afford to live in shared accommodation.

There's a lot more shared ownership nowadays

Well, it's not nice, is it. What a miserable existence.

This post is one of the most clueless on the thread.

I've owned a shared ownership property. It worked for us. I would argue we were the very small exception to the rule - because we'd overpaid our mortgage and because our household income had more than doubled in a short period - most people aren't as fortunate. And even then we struggled (we were no longer first time buyers even though it was still our first house so weren't eligible for lower equity mortgages.

They simply are traps because of all the hidden costs which you can't control (rents linked to inflation become astronomical and service charges). And they are a nightmare if the value of your property drops (completely counter intuitively). They are dreadful to sell because you aren't allowed to negotiate the price leaving you at the mercy of whoever owns the second house (particularly on schemes where it must be kept as shared ownership). The worst example I've heard is it taking four years to sell up because it was overpriced and the housing association refused to allow the owners to drop the price. They had to wait for the market to catch up. Our neighbour had no end of issues. It's a glorified rental for people like her - she had to switch to interest only mortgage because the rent increases so much, and whilst it gives you security because you can't be kicked out it also means you struggle to move too.

They only really work for professional couples starting out who know they are going to see significant career progression in a few years and are prudent enough to save and get out of it quick. And do so before having children. And if the housing market is still increasing in value. Shared ownership is particularly crap in a stagnant housing market and if it looks like the housing market is likely to drop in your area, avoid like the plague.

Honestly there's so many pitfalls to them. I struggle to recommend it as a result. Even with recent caps I would say if there's anything remotely alternative, it's probably a better option.

They are farce. They sound good for politicians and sound good to clueless well off home owners who think it's some kind of magic solution. I think they are a bit of a con tbh.

So, this lady has just gone into hospital after a fall. Nobody can see how she can continue to live in her current home. She's totally compos mentis but she is very disabled and in a huge amount of constant pain with more health conditions than I can even remember. At the absolute least she needs an assisted living development with care staff on site and a care package.

The son has gone nuts. He's leaving people long, rambling voice notes about how nobody knows how terrible his mother is, how she has dementia but nobody will listen to him and she can't be trusted to make any decisions, how terrible everything is for him and how he will be homeless...there's absolutely no concern for her at all, it's like he just doesn't grasp that she's got needs too or that anything exists outside of him. He did live elsewhere for a few years and had a few jobs; his mother subbed him the whole time and paid off various debts and costs but he must have fed himself, washed his clothes, done some sort of basic living maintenance. And now he just... can't?

Someone said, "This just can't continue" and someone else replied, "But it will. You know it will."

My friend has just bought one of these, if you mean the same thing where you part own part rent?
I tried to talk her out of it with my limited knowledge, which is that everyone always told me they're a farce/scam and there's no control etc etc but she went and did it as she said it was the only way she could afford a home. I even looked at old, decrepit properties or smaller ones (this is how I got on the property ladder) that were perfectly livable if a bit scruffy, but she didn't want that. I wish I had have tried harder having read your post!

Blimey I only said an observation there was more shared ownership now

Yes part own, part rent.

I knew two men like this when I was young. One lived with his sister and her husband in a kind of glorified shed in the garden but it was a big house with a very big garden and the shed was brick-built with windows etc Not sure if it had plumbing, but probably. He did gardening for them I think. The other one was in his 80s, never married, lived in the house he was born in and stayed there after his parents died. Also kept a very nice garden!

We didn't think anything of it. Now I realise they were probably both on the spectrum, but it wasn't a situation where you felt sorry for them, or even thought it was odd.