To cancel baby groups to do housework failing as a mum / partner

[Burnedoutmama]

Hi
Please be kind. I have a 4 month baby who is colic sorry if misspelt and who wants to be held by me all day or cries. My birth was hard and I am still recovering now and attend maternity counselling (dont know correct term i was referred by hospital midwives).
I do what I can around house. Health visitor was concerned about my mental health and refered me to baby groups and what a difference. I don't have friends or family near so making friends especially with babies has been life saver. I go to 5 groups per week (mon to fri) sometimes me and other mums get coffee or go to someone house for coffee.
My partner says the housework isn't getting done and he cant stay on top of it all with his work. I do what I can but he says it isnt good enough and he is suggesting I stop going to babygroups to get on top of it. I thought he was being an arse but his parents were over at weekend and his mum pulled me aside when him and his dad were chatting and said my partner had mentioned the situation to her and she doesnt think its right to put this pressure on her son. She said baby groups weren't a thing when she had a family and I really need to rethink my time better. She said she understands I have struggled but I shouldn't rely on new friends to make me feel better. She said I am treating maternity like a holiday and back in her day that wouldn't have been allowed.
I was shocked. Told my partner and he agreed.
Help me have I got this all wrong.

Christ your partner and his mother both sound toxic. Baby groups are good for you and the baby. Home cooked meals every night with a small baby- he is absolutely taking the piss. Tell him it’s not the 1950s and if he wants a home cooked meal he can go to mummy’s house or batch cook on a Sunday. If he wants the door frames dusting he can do it himself at the weekend. Get tough.

The first time my partner ran his finger over a door frame would have been the last.

My advice would be ignore the both of them. Oh and don’t have any more kids. But above all do not agree to be a stay at home mum. Go back to work/ get a job and earn your own money as I can’t see this lasting.

Exactly this. Some people are just odd. if you're responsible for a tiny human being, you're on duty.

Has he always been a demanding inconsiderate prick or is that new?

Exactly. I hate baby groups.

You may have found staying in and cleaning your loo fun, but most adults and babies benefit from getting out of the house and seeing new people and places.

Presumably this pathetic excuse for a 'man' is soon to be an ex-partner.

Then he can go live with his mum and have all the home cooked dinners he likes, sounds like she likes to pander to his nonsense.

I mean I agree with you there, I avoided them like the plague.

But op likes going to them... And has coffee for an hour afterwards. If she doesn't enjoy this then it is baffling why she would do it 5× a week.

Maybe you're of the mindset that any time with your baby can never be leisure time. I really have to disagree with you there and that's a bad mindset for pulling yourself out of the PPD pit (which I've had to do too).

When I was on mat leave my leisure time was seeing friends at their houses (with the baby) or watching TV while breastfeeding. My non-leisure was things like housework, cooking, laundry, nappy changing.

If you (general you) consider all time spent with your baby as a kind of punishment then that's a fast track to despair.

I suspect your MIL is probably a similar age to me - in which case, of course baby groups existed!!

How was he before the baby? Was he ok with you having friends? Sorry but I think he sounds like a complete arsehole. And it that’s his underlying attitude then no amount of changing your routine or cooking him a curry will work as he wants you isolated. Hopefully I’m wrong though.

I don't have a cooked dinner for my DH when he gets home from work; and I am retired!

What's really interesting is that if a man (you know, those actual human beings) had to look after a baby, he'd be praised to high heaven with zero expectation that he'd ever lift a finger to do anything else. The very idea that a man looking after a baby would be engaging in leisure time would be entirely laughable, yet somehow women, post partum and struggling, are seen as useless if they have the audacity to have a cup of tea. How very very dare they! They must be slaving every minute or the giant manbaby will have a meltdown.

Fuck me it makes me angry.

Please read what I wrote, I said op should keep going to the classes?! I was giving tips for getting housework done the rest of the time!

These people are insane. They will ALL be better off with a messy house and functioning mother than a tidy house and miserable mother. A colicky baby is torture

I made banana bread last week he says he loves my banana bread and we had some bananas that werent look as great. When he came home he had some. Then he threw it in my face when chatting about dinners one night. He said u waste time like make banana bread when u could cook. I said he didnt have to eat it and he said ur always turning everything into arguments. Im not playing ur games. Mil made some packed dinners for him a few months ago but they were single portions just for him. I found that odd. He said why would she cook for u I asked why she cook for him he said I dont get to dictate why or when his mum cooks I dont understand what I have done maybe banana bread was waste of time but he likes it and bananas needed using or throwing away

Mine came home and cooked for us as we both found it hard to cook while looking after a baby. The house was a tip and we muddled on through together.

He'd be living at home because apparently you need a vagina to cook a curry.

This.

Different if you are not managing anything and there's stuff piled everywhere (although even then I'd still say go to the groups and find other ways round it) but you sound pretty on top of stuff.

Your mental health is important. If you are doing all that, what is left that your husband can't manage?

I used to hand over baby for cuddles to dad when he came in and have a quick tidy/ make tea - I did a bit through the day but I wasn't sitting in all day by myself and went out whenever possible.

@Burnedoutmama I'm glad your mum is coming to stay. She sounds awesome telling your twatty partner she wants to spend time with her daughter and grandson.

Your partner actually sounds controlling and abusive, especially checking for dust!! Some men turn abusive when the woman has a baby. That's well-documented.
Please watch out for further signs.

You missed out that he also expects her to do some decorating!

@Kingdomofsleep walking the dog could be his leisure time? And then maybe he could read the baby a story, that would be a lovely break for him.

This has made me really sad.
Please keep going to the baby groups. Ignore his mother and tell him to make his own bloody tea!

Nobody needs toilets that are cleaned every day, or curries cooked from scratch - that's ridiculous. In fact, nobody needs to do housework every day! Convenience foods are fine.
Your job is to look after yourself and the baby. If your idiotic partner wants the house to be immaculate, he can pay for a cleaner - it's not your job to clean, OP.

Some of us are just trying to help and say it's possible to have both, be able to go out everyday and have a moderately tidy house and be happy.

I thought that was what this forum was for, giving tips for what worked for us. Instead I'm being ridiculed for "enjoying cleaning the loo rather than going out" when I definitely didn't say that

Has there been any sign before this of abusive behaviour? Just this is beginning to sound like it. Often having a baby brings out abuse even more.

Yes indeed I'm in full agreement with that. Of course walking the dog is leisure time. Otherwise why do people have dogs