To cancel baby groups to do housework failing as a mum / partner

[Burnedoutmama]

Hi
Please be kind. I have a 4 month baby who is colic sorry if misspelt and who wants to be held by me all day or cries. My birth was hard and I am still recovering now and attend maternity counselling (dont know correct term i was referred by hospital midwives).
I do what I can around house. Health visitor was concerned about my mental health and refered me to baby groups and what a difference. I don't have friends or family near so making friends especially with babies has been life saver. I go to 5 groups per week (mon to fri) sometimes me and other mums get coffee or go to someone house for coffee.
My partner says the housework isn't getting done and he cant stay on top of it all with his work. I do what I can but he says it isnt good enough and he is suggesting I stop going to babygroups to get on top of it. I thought he was being an arse but his parents were over at weekend and his mum pulled me aside when him and his dad were chatting and said my partner had mentioned the situation to her and she doesnt think its right to put this pressure on her son. She said baby groups weren't a thing when she had a family and I really need to rethink my time better. She said she understands I have struggled but I shouldn't rely on new friends to make me feel better. She said I am treating maternity like a holiday and back in her day that wouldn't have been allowed.
I was shocked. Told my partner and he agreed.
Help me have I got this all wrong.

You could always offer to take the dog for a walk while he makes dinner and looks after the baby / gets them to sleep. Some how though I don't suppose he would want to swap his household 'job' for yours...

I offer to take dog out but he says he has to do it as I didnt do it when he was working. I find it hard walking a husky and pram together. Baby cries mostly and husky joins in.

You’ve got a DH problem but more so a MIL problem. Who is convinced that being some sort of fifties housewife is the only way to be.

also until someone has had a baby and a clingy baby at that, they can’t really understand how difficult it can be to get stuff done before the crying totally shreds your nerves. If you’ve got a lovely spud of a baby who lays there and coos, maybe you will get some painting done, but if you’ve got one that wails unless held, you’re trying to do things in snatched 5 mins here and there.

I would suggest you keep going to groups. Find more opportunities for him to have baby on his own with jobs to do and have him figure out how much of a pain it is. What about him taking baby with him for his post work dog walk so you can do some uninterrupted jobs? Or have him take baby to his mums for a couple of hours?

but honestly you do your groups. Please don’t stop going. And try and get a handle on how both of you can chip in or you’re going to return to work and he will be expecting a full time cleaner and you working and doing the childcare and it will kill your marriage dead.

Curious but are his family of a different culture? They both sound like knobs. Go to your groups.

Yeah no... the baby stays home with him!

But honestly I'd probably skip today's baby group and pack his bags so he can live with Mummy. They both sound abhorrent

go to your groups but set aside an hour per day for household tasks, baby is fine is safe place whilst you do essentials

Maternity leave is for you to take care of the baby, not to be your partner’s maid. He is checking the tops of furniture for dust?! How dare he. While he is at work, you are responsible for taking care of the baby and recovering from the birth. Then when he is at home, you split chores 50/50. He doesn’t get to work 8 hours a day while you work 16-20 hours a day OP.

And running to tell mummy? What a pathetic excuse for a man. I’m assuming you will be going back to work after maternity-I’ll bet he will still expect you to do all the childcare and domestic duties while also working if this is how he’s behaving now.

On friday when he came home I got spiced chicken burgers, spicy rice and salad ready for him. He said his friend was going home to a home cooked curry. I asked why he was telling me that and he asked if I knew any recipes.

Your husband is being a dick. Checking high places for dust indeed!!
My top tip is to keep a packet of antibacterial wipes in the bathroom/loo (don’t flush them though). And a bottle of toilet cleaner. It takes only a minute to wipe everything over.

Yeah checking for dust in high places is beyond stupid of him, he does sound like he's being a dick. Getting his mum to weigh in was cowardly and childish.

However I've read on here the principle of everyone getting equal leisure time. It does seem unbalanced at the moment. Baby classes and coffee afterwards is leisure time for you (in my strong opinion, babies below about 9m do not get any benefit from them apart from the indirect benefit of a happy mum).

So you're getting 2h+ of leisure time a day. I think it's therefore OK for your partner to want similar leisure time in the evening, even though he is being a dick about it.

Prioritise a quick cleanup of the main areas, it should only take 15-30min a day and you have many hours at home.

Do try the singing and talking thing if you don't already. I was able to pop out of the room for a few seconds with my dc in the bouncer in the next room, by singing and peekabooing frequently.

Cleaning the toilet for example: quick spray of the cleaning stuff then pop your head back to baby, sing and chat, then quick scrub and wipe, and then back to baby. Your baby will literally find this fun, I remember mine laughing when I did this and they were both velcro-like breastfeeding monsters. But they thought I was doing it to entertain them rather than getting housework done.

And also, why is she only feeding her son and not OP???

I stay clear of MIL threads normally, but in this instance she sounds the problem.

She is doing the essentials.. he wants her to do painting and make sure he has a home cooked meal everyday when he arrives in the door

FUCK HIM!

They are English and I'm Scottish i dont know if that counts

You need to prioritise you - happy mum happy baby.
Tell your dh looking after a baby is like two full time jobs because there’s no clocking off. Suggest he has the baby for a full day and see how many jobs he gets done. He may understand better then. Be clear he is not to go crying to mummy , you and the baby should be his priority.

sounds like you have a good health visitor too!

Your DP is a dick.

Tell your MIL to fuck off, that unless she’s going to help she can keep her opinions to herself.

Did u all have homecooked meals waiting for ur partners am i doing it wrong

I agree with this.

It’s called maternity leave not housework leave!

It sounds like you’re doing absolutely tonnes of housework anyway, for someone at this stage.

An hour of baby group each day and an house with friends afterwards really isn’t too much to ask. And if you stay in touch, you kid will have these friends to fall back on later in childhood, so that it’s not all about the school class.

It sounds like DH and MIL are sabotaging your recovery tbh!

Ah right. I mean in some cultures the son is very important to them above everything else.

I’m actually quite angry on your behalf- with the MIL chiming in as well as your nasty husband.

Can you get the midwife/ health visitor to have a word with him?

You are not his maid or his housekeeper. And you are certainly not his mother. He can make his own dinner.

She is feeding her son because he goes round to his mums for a cooked dinner.

The partner is the problem more than MIL.

Why are you making him breakfast as well, what does he do in the morning?

Fuck him and his mother.

Like you, baby groups held me together. Being home alone all day everyday dusting (wtf?) - a recipe for disaster as I found the hard way. Sharing stories, getting ideas from other mums, and just being able to laugh or cry at stuff was invaluable.

Remind him you are with him because you love him and want to be with him - but if he wants to be a dick then I would suggest he can move back in with his mother where he can have his home cooked meals, non-dusty picture frames - and a very cold bed at night.