To cancel baby groups to do housework failing as a mum / partner

[Burnedoutmama]

Hi
Please be kind. I have a 4 month baby who is colic sorry if misspelt and who wants to be held by me all day or cries. My birth was hard and I am still recovering now and attend maternity counselling (dont know correct term i was referred by hospital midwives).
I do what I can around house. Health visitor was concerned about my mental health and refered me to baby groups and what a difference. I don't have friends or family near so making friends especially with babies has been life saver. I go to 5 groups per week (mon to fri) sometimes me and other mums get coffee or go to someone house for coffee.
My partner says the housework isn't getting done and he cant stay on top of it all with his work. I do what I can but he says it isnt good enough and he is suggesting I stop going to babygroups to get on top of it. I thought he was being an arse but his parents were over at weekend and his mum pulled me aside when him and his dad were chatting and said my partner had mentioned the situation to her and she doesnt think its right to put this pressure on her son. She said baby groups weren't a thing when she had a family and I really need to rethink my time better. She said she understands I have struggled but I shouldn't rely on new friends to make me feel better. She said I am treating maternity like a holiday and back in her day that wouldn't have been allowed.
I was shocked. Told my partner and he agreed.
Help me have I got this all wrong.

May e being back in the workplace would help her feel better ffs

What irrelevant stories do you think I told my DD? Shs k is what maternity leave she was entitled to and could've chosen. Originally she imagined doing 9months and CHOSE to cust it short HER decision.

But you are just trying to make shit up to fit your own narrative

going back to work now isn’t going to make her husband unshitty. it’s just going to make her feel even worse with more to do and be criticised on.

You seem very odd poster.
My issue isnt work its my partner and he be there at work or not.
I shocked ur gd was in Nursery at 4 months. That doesnt seem like help but denial of being a new mum. Baby so young. Ur dd wanted desperately to be herself again she went back to work at that age. I want to be me. Work will help when time maternity ends. Now I see friends and go to groups. Me coming back. Me feel better.

Also why u on here trying to make others feel bad. Your advice isnt helpful or solution driven based but it enables the man. Raise ur bar grandma. Enjoy your weekend xx

When's your Mum coming for a visit?
You definitely seem to be stronger.

One of my mum friends told me to stand up for myself so have been.
He moaned st dinner I made the other day, I told him to make his own. He said I am being cheeky but I said no. I said you treat me like me like shit so dont expect a loving partner back. He has been nicer but says he is tiptoeing. I said thats on you. I dont know I told her to hang fire as I dont want her sparky remarks.

It is really good that you are feeling stronger, OP but please don't postpone your mother's visit, as long as she understands that you don't want her being snippy she can still be a huge support for you.
PS you might want to start a new thread as this one is about to be full up because of the 40 page limit.

Keep going to your groups and socialising. This is good for you and it’s good for your baby. Get done in the house what you can. That is good enough. Your husband is being unreasonable and has no idea what it’s like to be responsible for a baby 24/7. I’m glad you’re standing up for yourself.

Make sure you document what is said and done. Everything you say and do will be twisted against you. So you standing up for yourself becomes twisted to suit his narrative. He’ll describe this back as you always being in a bad mood and being horrible and making him feel like he is walking on eggshells. Words mean nothing to these people, they will say anything that suits them with such conviction it really confuses you. It really helps to have your diary there so you can prove what actually happened when he comes back with the lies and gaslighting.
Also have your mum come round. She sounds great. You need such a good support crew to get away from shitbags like him.

.y grandchild wasn't in nursery at 4 months so I dunno where you are getting that from. In fact he never went to nursery at all aprt from the playgroup at 3 His Dad was taking a fair share of looking after him. Advantage of that is his dad was also fully aware of how difficult babies can be

If the groups has made you feel better then go for it. Maybe also get your partner to have a good long stretch of looking after the baby and being expected to get stuff done alao

YOUR SITUATION IS IRRELEVANT....

And really not helpful to the OP who has found a way to help her through her PND.

Why not offering her useful advice relevant to her situation instead of telling her to be a martyr and go back to work instead of kicking her abusive husband to the kerb?

That is not what you said though 🙄. No one is making shit up, we’re reacting to your words:

Good job you aren't my age Was 16 weeks maternity leave then and my DD was a fortnight late so back full time when she was 13 weeks old. She first slept through the night age 3.5 years

how the fuck does that translate to “maybe going back to work would make you feel better”?

If you don't want mum making things harder with him. You go to your mum with baby.

She must be desperate to spend time with baby.
You could absolutely do with some support.
Let him fend for himself and get yourself a break.

Your doing a good job standing up for yourself.

You might want to start a new thread, this one can't be far of the 1000 posts

That was a reply to a completely different poster. As I assume you are able to read

She should kick him out totally if he's that bad. But then she's still got to support herself

🙄 Because kicking out an abusive man when you have PND and no family nearby is so easy

Yes, she has to support herself. She does work ordinarily and has said she will be going back to work. She is currently on Maternity Leave.

She has taken lots of useful advice from.this thread and continued to go to baby groups.to preserve her mental health, has started talking to friends IRL and is being more assertive in her home. She is taking the necessary steps. You can't just kick out someone who rents / owns the house also. Your views are very simplistic.

No one said is was easy FFS

Nope ! Mine complained about a dinner two nights in a row. I threw it in the bin and said I’m not cooking for him again. I didn’t , he’s an EX btw.

Cheeky?

He thinks you are a child to be abused and bullied.

Please reach out for support from a domestic abuse charity.

This is a bad man that targeted you as a younger woman.

Bad men target younger women as they think they are easier to control.

Protect yourself OP by telling those around you the truth.

A good man would want you happy as you can be with all the changes that have happened in your life with a new baby.

A bad man would want you to be lonely and sad and his skivvy.

He is a bad man.
A bad husband and father.

OP- nothing is more important than the health of your baby and YOU. Nothing. For your baby to function and thrive, it needs a Mum who is also functioning and thriving! You were pregnant for the best part of a year, went through birth, have a baby who needs you 24/7. You do whatever you can do function and feel as good as you possibly can. If the baby groups provide this, your DH should be ecstatic. Not being a pathetic lazy man-child and moaning about it, adding to your pressure and then lopping his stupid Mother in too.

Sorry not read every post, but if she moans again I would say "I'm not sure if you are aware, but I have been so knackered and stressed as baby has been suffering and wants me 24/7 my own Doctor was so worried about my mental health. He suggested the baby groups and they have been a lifeline for me, improved my mental health and as a result I feel I am being an even better Mum to baby. Do you not agree that the baby and my health should be priority right now and housework second? However yes its noted the house is messy so if you would be able to provide any help, maybe just 1 day a week we would be so grateful" see how she likes that. Please continue to stick up for yourself. This is in no way acceptable or ok on her or her son's part at all.

90% of what you say is right.
But Ops house is not messy,
Her partner is trying to set impossible standards, dust in high places, food not up to his Michelin star quality.
Who has time to be PAINTING with a 16 week old baby??
Making banana bread that wasn't to his standard?

He thinks hes walking on egg shells because she's kicking back.

This.

Cheeky is what I would say to my daughter when she was three! Not what anyone should say to a grown adult.

He belittled you and when you respond he shuts you down by telling you that you are being argumentative when you are sticking up for yourself. He is gaslighting you.

You have said he has thrown food you had made and complains about it. He wants you to exist purely to service his life like a live in maid - cook food as per his request like a chef, paint woodwork, have more children for him.

That he has gone to his mums for dinner because he didn't want your food is embarrassing, I don’t know one man that would do that and not invite their partner along.

of course he does not want you going to these groups, you have supportive women that have your back and you are now standing up for yourself which he immediately gaslights you for being ‘cheeky’ and ‘walking on eggshells’ because he has to act like an actual respectful human being to you, something he does not want to reciprocate.

First & foremost do what you feel is right for you. If you feel better going to these groups then don't stop going. Try & do a bit of housework each day to keep on top of it then do a deep clean when DH is free to take care of baby so you can crack on & get it done. Also mention to him that he an help more if he feels the house isn't up to his standards. Explain to your DH & his interfering Mother that your mental health has improved since going to the groups & having other new Mums supporting you is important. Let them know that you're doing it to feel more confident in yourself which in turn will benefit your child as if you're happier in yourself they will be happier too. If MIL pipes up again say maternity leave isn't a holiday tell her she's right there, it's a full time job caring for a new born, & it's time for you to bond with your baby, establish routines & enjoy the time you have one to one with your child. Let her know that dust will always come back, however, you'll never get your babies first months back therefore you're not going to be made to feel guilty for spending time with your baby rather than do a bit of dusting or vacuuming.

Husband telling you that you are being cheeky is definitely a red flag! A warning sign. I personally think he will get violent to you and slap you about a bit. He is not talking to you as an equal.