To cancel baby groups to do housework failing as a mum / partner

[Burnedoutmama]

Hi
Please be kind. I have a 4 month baby who is colic sorry if misspelt and who wants to be held by me all day or cries. My birth was hard and I am still recovering now and attend maternity counselling (dont know correct term i was referred by hospital midwives).
I do what I can around house. Health visitor was concerned about my mental health and refered me to baby groups and what a difference. I don't have friends or family near so making friends especially with babies has been life saver. I go to 5 groups per week (mon to fri) sometimes me and other mums get coffee or go to someone house for coffee.
My partner says the housework isn't getting done and he cant stay on top of it all with his work. I do what I can but he says it isnt good enough and he is suggesting I stop going to babygroups to get on top of it. I thought he was being an arse but his parents were over at weekend and his mum pulled me aside when him and his dad were chatting and said my partner had mentioned the situation to her and she doesnt think its right to put this pressure on her son. She said baby groups weren't a thing when she had a family and I really need to rethink my time better. She said she understands I have struggled but I shouldn't rely on new friends to make me feel better. She said I am treating maternity like a holiday and back in her day that wouldn't have been allowed.
I was shocked. Told my partner and he agreed.
Help me have I got this all wrong.

Don't give up your groups. I did exactly the same and they saved my sanity.

Your 'job' is looking after the baby, not the house. Housework is a shared task. Do an hour whip round if baby will settle in the sling each afternoon to keep straight and then you and DH can share the rest at the weekend.

MIL can get to fuck, if she's so bothered about her precious son she can nip in and do his share for him.

Leave him he will only get worse especially as his mother is just as bad.

So agree with this.

A shit abusive unkind is very often at the core of women feeling very low after giving birth.

The realisation that they have had a child with a prick.

TidyRaven, the mother is concerned about her relationship with a man who cannot understand or care about what shes going through.
If your mental health revolves around a tidy house and your relationship with your husband then thats fair enough.
But thats not the ops problem!
Maybe a fabulous answer to colicky baby would help if it really worked but smugly saying it all went well for you with a tidy house is of no use here.
Its beneficial for mum and baby to go to baby groups.
Recommended by a caring health visitor.
Why you could imagine its wrong beggars belief.
Let the mum look after the baby as advised by the health visitor.
She isnt going out to knock back alcohol!
Just a mum and baby group during the week, every day, to help her negotiate these early difficult days with a fractious child.
Its good support for mum and good socialisation for both mum and baby.
Are you JEALOUS??

OP isn’t a SAHM, she’s on maternity leave. Two different things. And maternity leave isn’t cleaning, painting and cooking leave.

Spiffing. That’s you. It’s clearly not the same for OP, so what’s your point ? That she should follow your lead and be the dutiful stepford wife, regardless of her own needs ?

Did she say she was returning to work? That's the difference on whether she's a SAHM or on maternity leave

Actually one of myDDs struggled being at home with a clingy baby and found the solution was returning to work when he was 4 months old. Told me she felt like a normal person after that

I think returning to work and off loading baby to nursery would be really hard, at 4 mths mine were still up during the night. Its exhausting without trying to fit in a shift at work too.

Yes, she has said that she is returning to work (albeit not yet)

What I managed with work is when I was feeling burned out I took a day annual leave.

baby in nursery. Back home to bed. Time it for the day after the cleaner had been so there was minimal tidying up to do, then just allow myself to breathe.

you can’t do that if you’re a sahm, unless you are financially well off enough to afford a couple of days at nursery.

those days kept me sane working full time. Yes I felt a bit guilty, but I’d also use annual leave to have nice relaxing days with the baby. It was just when I was so bone tired and needed sleep.

Good job you aren't my age Was 16 weeks maternity leave then and my DD was a fortnight late so back full time when she was 13 weeks old. She first slept through the night age 3.5 years

How old are you?

my first is mid 20’s and it was 6 months standard mat leave then. You could take a year but I think it was 3 months stat pay and then unpaid.

My eldest is 35

Youngest is 22 . By that time I was self employed so only a tiny amount of MA

It doesn't need to be a race to the bottom though does it?

You coped with less mat leave, good for you. Sounds like a female version of the 4 Yorkshire men sketch.🙄

'A cup? We drank out of a rolled up newspaper!'

Everybody at that time was in the same boat. How is it a race to the bottom?

We are all the grandparents now that are slagged off for not looking after the grandkids after having it so easy remember

I'm not slagging you off 🤷‍♀️

I just fail to see how it's a helpful thing to post on a thread started by someone who is struggling.

It helped my DD when she was struggling

You may not personally be slagging me off but take a look at all the" wicked selfish" grandparents threads

It helped my DD when she was struggling

What, telling her that you didn't get much mat leave and you were alright, jack?

😮

Of loading the baby might have helped your DD but I seriously doubt its going to help Op who is struggling with an abusive partner too. It would just add to the pressure she is under.
I'm wary of this thread filling up and Op not being able to get back to it. But people need to look at the big picture before coming out with suggestions

What did? Telling her she was lucky she got any mat leave, you had it so much harder so stop moaning?

Returning to work. She went back at 4 months as struggling at home

No need to be snarky.

Lol at offloading. Didn't know baby's s fathers looking after then was considered that.

The abusive partner is an issue. But I'm not sure being in all day at his back and call helps either. There's no easy answer is there? If she gets rid of him then she will be stuck in 24/7 probably with no money to go anywhere

Hopefully her mum can help her find a solution

I'd say she probably just told you it helped so you'd stop telling her silly irrelevant stories.

What has the length of a 50 / 60 year old random person on the Internet maternity leave have to do with the OP trying to deal with PND and a horrible husband?