To cancel baby groups to do housework failing as a mum / partner

[Burnedoutmama]

Hi
Please be kind. I have a 4 month baby who is colic sorry if misspelt and who wants to be held by me all day or cries. My birth was hard and I am still recovering now and attend maternity counselling (dont know correct term i was referred by hospital midwives).
I do what I can around house. Health visitor was concerned about my mental health and refered me to baby groups and what a difference. I don't have friends or family near so making friends especially with babies has been life saver. I go to 5 groups per week (mon to fri) sometimes me and other mums get coffee or go to someone house for coffee.
My partner says the housework isn't getting done and he cant stay on top of it all with his work. I do what I can but he says it isnt good enough and he is suggesting I stop going to babygroups to get on top of it. I thought he was being an arse but his parents were over at weekend and his mum pulled me aside when him and his dad were chatting and said my partner had mentioned the situation to her and she doesnt think its right to put this pressure on her son. She said baby groups weren't a thing when she had a family and I really need to rethink my time better. She said she understands I have struggled but I shouldn't rely on new friends to make me feel better. She said I am treating maternity like a holiday and back in her day that wouldn't have been allowed.
I was shocked. Told my partner and he agreed.
Help me have I got this all wrong.

You're not doing it wrong but it's about priorities- I personally love a proper dinner and I'm happy with whatever for lunch.

Whereas you've cooked proper soup for lunch and it's oven stuff for dinner. Can you swap those around? If you have time to make a proper soup then you could do the home cooked curry, they're fairly easy especially if you buy ready prepped veg.

Your dp has gone about it terribly but if you do want to make tweaks to your routine I think it's very doable

No, you are not doing it wrong.

I had a velcro baby and guess what... my DH worked and made 95% of all my meals! I would get housework done when my DH took the baby after work.

Honestly I've no idea what you are doing with this man... he literally sounds abhorrent. I couldn't imagine living with him any longer than I have to and I would be so sad to see any of my friends in a relationship with someone so misogynistic as him.

It’s definitely not a requirement of being on maternity leave!

Lots of dads come home and make the dinner for their partner who has been busy looking after a baby all day. Or take care of the baby so she can cook. But lots of people also have easy meals too! All are valid options.

Except she’s caring for the baby longer hours than a typical 9-5 job plus recovering from pregnancy/birth. And i wouldn’t describe playgroup as leisure time.
I agree he should get some leisure time and so should she.

You married a mummy’s boy. Let his mummy coddle him and start preparing to leave in the future

I prioritised baby groups and taking dc out. Now my kids are grown and I'm glad I did. Late dh and I did housework and childcare 50:50 when he was home. I can't imagine looking back and thinking "I really wish I'd prioritised housework over taking dc out."

Who would make his meals if he was a single man? Honestly it’s ridiculous

Exactly. A decent MIL would be checking in with the OP: the person who has carried a baby for 9 months, given birth and is now needing support. Not her pathetic excuse for a son whose life has not changed a jot. To feed a grown man taking no responsibility for his family causing him to get home even later is outrageous.

He’s checking for dust in high places? While you have a 4 month old to look after! I think you need to prioritise your mental health because he and his family certainly wont.

I remember promising DH that I would take over the cooking when on mat leave. (He usually does it.) Never happened because I had a baby to look after and I’d massively underestimated just how much time and energy that takes.

DBM duplicate

I only make soups as he made a point last month that soup keeps him going and he was getting fed up of the sandwiches I was making. I said he could buy lunch or make it himself if he liked but he accused me of starting an argument. I wasnt I genuinely meant if u dont like u can sort to your liking.

Your DP is a nasty little mummy's boy.

Maternity leave is for looking after your baby. It is not for housework, waiting on your prince of a partner, decorating, spending hours cooking.

Yes you might have time to do a bit of hoovering or stick a wash on. But it shouldn't be expected.

Your DP should come home & then you split the baby and house jobs together. He doesn't get to sit on his arse while you do everything.

Your DP is a total fuckwit if he thinks people shouldn't have to cook for themselves after a full day's work. Does he think working people eat their own toenails for dinner?
And as for the dusting, tell him to do it himself if he cares that much. A bit of dust on top of a picture frame does not make a house inhabitable!

It sounds like your baby will do a short stint in the bouncer which is great. Twenty minutes a day SHOULD be enough to keep on top of the housework. I do a load of washing every other day (10mins each) plus hoover once a week (10mins) plus clean two bathrooms once a week (10mins per bathroom). Total 1 hour per week, and I do extra bits like occasional dusting and window cleaning etc when I have a spare minute.
HOWEVER this quick and easy approach only works if everyone in the house is on board with creating minimal laundry and tidying as they go. Me and DH would both swoosh a bit of water around a basin after use, pick up mess, and wipe down a kitchen surface etc. So the house never looks messy in the first place iyswim.

Going to a baby group isn't leisure time. It's looking after your baby in a different location. Going to the pub with your friends is leisure time.

OP your partner is controlling and trying to isolate you. Do not have any more kids with him. Do you intend to go back to work?

All my DH cared about when our babies were below 6 months was that I was happy and that baby was looked after... nothing past that. I am so sorry. As for your MIL, she'd never be welcome in my house again, if she is so concerned why isnt she helping you lol

Wtf you are making his lunches as well!

My mum said there weren't baby groups when her kids were little. She was very depressed and would be the first to say she'd have benefitted hugely from them as she likes company.

Playgroup is definitely leisure time - if a mum does not find them cheering, then she absolutely does not have to do them. The entire benefit is for the mum to socialise, be cheered up etc.

I don't know what the balance is like for op and her dp - if she's doing all the night waking and breakfast etc then it sounds like the daytime leisure time is already balanced out. But if he's doing dinner most nights and sharing the night waking then maybe not.

🤨

My eldest was 5 months before I had any sort of meal waiting for DH. I had a baby who wouldn't nap much and didn't like being put down. I felt like bloody superwoman on the day we managed 3 (short!) naps in the cot and I had fish and chips in the oven when DH got home!

You have this totally wrong. The baby groups are not leisure time, they are a mental health intervention (which is proving successful). OP clearly explained this.

He sounds like a spoiled little mummy's boy.
I'd be reminding your MIL that as a result of living with the result of her parenting, you've chosen to focus on your baby and not the housework/cooking so you don't make the same mistakes. Pair of arseholes.

MIL took baby once so I could go to appointment as dp was working. She said she is happy to help but I cant make habit out of it as she is retired and I need to respect her time. I didnt ask ever again. Dp said it was rude of her to say but shes retired. If she wanted to work she would and I am giving her tasks. My mum has asked for her phone number in past as she has wanted to tell her to f off. My mum is in another country and is taking 3 weeks off next month to visit. Dp said he would take time off when we had video call with her and she said no. U work away I want time with my daughter and grandchild. He said she was being rude and to talk to her I did and she said she doesnt wish to spend her holiday spending time with a manbaby and she would end up saying stuff to best he stays out during day. It just feels to tense.

What the fuck does he think single people do? Twat. He's getting fed isn't he? The dusting can wait, if it bothers him that much he can do it himself. Bet he's not going to cook for you if you go back to work after maternity leave either!

You're absolutely right. I think the DP should have leisure time every evening by taking the baby to a friend's house.