To cancel baby groups to do housework failing as a mum / partner

[Burnedoutmama]

Hi
Please be kind. I have a 4 month baby who is colic sorry if misspelt and who wants to be held by me all day or cries. My birth was hard and I am still recovering now and attend maternity counselling (dont know correct term i was referred by hospital midwives).
I do what I can around house. Health visitor was concerned about my mental health and refered me to baby groups and what a difference. I don't have friends or family near so making friends especially with babies has been life saver. I go to 5 groups per week (mon to fri) sometimes me and other mums get coffee or go to someone house for coffee.
My partner says the housework isn't getting done and he cant stay on top of it all with his work. I do what I can but he says it isnt good enough and he is suggesting I stop going to babygroups to get on top of it. I thought he was being an arse but his parents were over at weekend and his mum pulled me aside when him and his dad were chatting and said my partner had mentioned the situation to her and she doesnt think its right to put this pressure on her son. She said baby groups weren't a thing when she had a family and I really need to rethink my time better. She said she understands I have struggled but I shouldn't rely on new friends to make me feel better. She said I am treating maternity like a holiday and back in her day that wouldn't have been allowed.
I was shocked. Told my partner and he agreed.
Help me have I got this all wrong.

I had to reply! My mouth fell open reading this.

Have you told your health visitor all of this? Please make sure you do.

Go to your baby groups, from what you've said I think you're doing wonderfully. If you was my daughter in law I would be proud that you found something to help you feel better. Baby groups are wonderful for babies as well as parents. Keep going, a happy mum is more important than freshly painted walls.

Well on that thought process presumably dad gets a lunch break. That’s leisure time right there.

So he’d rather you go back to that, as long as the house is clean?

baby groups are a vital life line to parents, please don’t stop going! Is there a compromise? Would you alternate which groups you attend so you free up a day a week? How bad is the house? I know I would struggle with my mental health in a messy house, so I’d find a compromise so it isn’t a case of one or the other, but I definitely would be making sure I escape the house too.

Absolutely not! He had whatever was going, and was quite happy. Often eaten in shifts as my eldest in particular was a demon in the evenings and would scream for ages.

He certainly never ever went around looking for dust. Give me strength! Even my MIL (who could be a challenge in many ways, mainly thanks to a huge difference in cultural expectations) never criticized the house. She would turn up un-announced armed with cleaning supplies and make my kitchen and bathroom shine in ways it never had before or since - and usually with food as well.

Basic food easy food that you like to eat you can do.
Gourmet cooking no

pasta with a jar of pesto yes

Curry: You can stick a jar of curry sauce from tesco (please do online shopping ) and chicken in a slow cooker.

Sausages in the oven and packet of ready made mash

Peas from freezer

If he wants to follow a,recipeexwith multiple spices he can do that himself

If he ask for a recipe laugh and point him to tik tok or youtube or jamie oliver and say great you cook on saturday look forward to it

His mother most likely.

Yeah I've already said they're a good idea for her and she's better off carrying on going to them and fitting in the housework around them.

I think you're thinking I'm disagreeing with you but I'm not? Leisure is essential for our mental health.

I had crippling PPD myself so I get it. As it happens, baby groups made my depression worse so I stopped going to them, but I know everyone is different. If she's got something that works then that's fab. But coffee with friends definitely counts as leisure time.

Unless you think all time with your baby present is "work"? I don't see it that way myself.

THIS.
I had my first baby during lockdown. My husband was a nurse in Covid ICU. He never once came home to a home cooked meal and nor did he ever complain about that.

Yes indeed his lunch break is leisure time, im not disagreeing with that?

I see what u mean but I still have to look after baby at classes and afterwards. Sometimes baby isnt happy and I spend my socialising time trying to make them happy. It isnt stress free but sometimes other mums encourage me to have coffee or take 5 and they hold baby. Some may call me lazy but I appreciate it we help each other out. One told.me to stay a bit later and cooked me dinner. Dp said that was lovely and shes a good mate but guess hes seeing to himself again. I asked why u need to make everything about you. He said he isnt and he needs dinner and that a fact
He said I look for arguments everywhere I really dont but maybe I do do I??

As a mil I will say firstly tell your mil the times have changed so keep out of it and secondly if my son had said this to me I’d have told him to grow up, it’s his baby and home too.

Did he want to have a child?
What did he think parenting would look like?
Is he aware that it takes over a year for a woman to recover from pregnancy and childbirth?
Does he view you as an actual human being with full autonomy?

TELL HIM TO HIRE A FUCKING COOK/CLEANER OR DO IT HIMSELF.

Jeez. I'm actually fuming on your behalf.

Im going to go against the grain here. You’re going out socialising for 2 hours every weekday. Yes, groups are important but every day?
How about dropping one and using that time to do a quick clean & tidy. You can get a lot done in 2 hours. Could you put the baby in a sling? Or as others suggest, in a bouncy chair?
I do think you could do a bit more around the house but he could communicate more kindly. If I was at work and my partner was sat around drinking coffee every day I’d be pissed off. I disagree that looking after a baby means you can’t do any housework.

Dear God. How would he cope if he were single? He shouldn't be going to work and then cooking his own dinner? He can buy a microwave meal and shove it in the microwave. You're not his slave

Just to be clear, baby groups are not leisure time.

Leisure time is something a LONE ADULT would choose to do given a range of choices - swimming, reading, walking.

No sane person would choose to go to a baby group. Parents go there because they are doing an important job - caring for a baby - and they would like some company while they do so.

Get some sense, please.

I’d be packing the baby up and going to stay with your mum for a bit . Your husband is an arse who has been raised by a bigger arse . Perhaps he should go to his mums for dinner and pay for a cleaner .

RED FLAG ALERT!!

Firstly, he told his mummy that you weren't doing the cleaning?? WTAF??! That would have me running a mile!

Secondly, does he put on a white glove to go checking all the high up surfaces for dust!? What next? Swabbing the toilet seat for bacteria?

Thirdly, he is demanding home cooked meals?!? Are you serious!?

You have a colicky baby that doesn't like being put down, so you can't exactly cook or clean a toilet with a baby in a sling. It's not safe.

His attitude would have well and truly given me the ick.

Personally I'd make a HUGE batch of bolognaise sauce, freeze it in two person portions, and serve him the same meal every single day.

Absolutely go to your baby groups. It is clearly benefiting you.

Have you recently just moved to the area if you don't have any friends or family around?

'ifinishing painting" ????? Absolutely fuck that.

They could share housework. She's already said why the groups are important for her mental health

And to be honest now DS is weaned I only do easy stuff! No point slaving away if he throws half of it on the floor. He gets lots of different things, just in easy meals. (Before that I lived off things in tins and packets. )

And his mum can get to fuck off too.

Or he could make it himself

Did he make his own breakfast, dinner, or lunch before the baby? Has he ever cleaned a loo himself? Other than walking the dog, what jobs does he do?

You need to start planning your return to FT work, and making it clear that it will be 50-50
on childcare and all house work when you do.

I’m going to guess that he moved directly from his mum’s house to living with you. Any dissent about 50-50 and I’d be sending him and the dog back. You won’t have it any harder than you do now, and you won’t have the pair of them sniping at you like it’s the 1950s.

Your 'Darling' Partner and his Mum are being cunts. When I had our 3yold my husband and I agreed I'd do most of the baby stuff and walk the dog since I was on mat leave. He would work and manage the house. So he did most of the cooking, cleaned bathroom, hoovering etc. We shared laundry. When I returned to work I did more stuff round the house but also studied a degree PT, my husband still does the majoritu of housework. It'd be interesting to hear how fair the division of labour round the house was before you became pregnant. Take care OP hope it gets better xx

Your mental health is a priority, for you and also for your baby. Of course women can happily go without going to baby groups every day, I only went to one a week. But I am not you and it IS helping you. You are allowed to deprioritise the house. Your partner can take up the slack for a while. Frankly if you plan to go back to work after mat leave, it’s probably best you don’t do all the housework now and set up unrealistic expectations.

Your MiL should not be getting involved in your marriage. But the biggest issue is that your partner seems to have asked her to!

Even if you never did a single bit of housework, it wouldn’t be a reason to he is justified in getting his mum to tell you off. This is something he needs to discuss with you not triangulate.