To cancel baby groups to do housework failing as a mum / partner

[Burnedoutmama]

Hi
Please be kind. I have a 4 month baby who is colic sorry if misspelt and who wants to be held by me all day or cries. My birth was hard and I am still recovering now and attend maternity counselling (dont know correct term i was referred by hospital midwives).
I do what I can around house. Health visitor was concerned about my mental health and refered me to baby groups and what a difference. I don't have friends or family near so making friends especially with babies has been life saver. I go to 5 groups per week (mon to fri) sometimes me and other mums get coffee or go to someone house for coffee.
My partner says the housework isn't getting done and he cant stay on top of it all with his work. I do what I can but he says it isnt good enough and he is suggesting I stop going to babygroups to get on top of it. I thought he was being an arse but his parents were over at weekend and his mum pulled me aside when him and his dad were chatting and said my partner had mentioned the situation to her and she doesnt think its right to put this pressure on her son. She said baby groups weren't a thing when she had a family and I really need to rethink my time better. She said she understands I have struggled but I shouldn't rely on new friends to make me feel better. She said I am treating maternity like a holiday and back in her day that wouldn't have been allowed.
I was shocked. Told my partner and he agreed.
Help me have I got this all wrong.

And yes he should read the baby a story and that is part of his leisure time, I agree.

I didnt just give him chicken burgers. I topped them with a nice cheese sauce and jalapenos and I made a nice dressing for salad. When I gave them to him I said its like nandos! He laughed and said if he wanted nando he would go after his work

I'm so sorry, this thread is incredibly sad. You need to start making plans to leave this abusive man who is living in the 1950s. His behaviour and that of his mother towards you when you've just had a baby is utterly vile. My husband comes home and cooks dinner every night after working 7-7 because he knows looking after babies is a million times harder, he would not dare to complain!

Your husband is a dick.

How does he expect this will go when you’re back at work?

Looking after the baby when he is at work is your job. Sounds like you’re doing a great job of that. The rest (ie looking after the house and painting fucking walls) is a JOINT RESPONSIBILITY.

I actually hate that man. I would like to give more feedback about what I think of him but it really is not constructive. I hope others can give you better practical advice, but i just wanted yout o know that he is completely in the wrong

You absolutely should keep going to the baby groups if you and the baby enjoy them. With my first I had 1 group in particular I loved as was mums from my antenatal group and we are still all very close with our babies now about to turn 3. Regardless of how the night went, how the morning was and if I was going to be late and really felt like just not going I made myself go and that time with other mums either at the class or for a coffee and chat afterwards kept me sane and I always felt better for it.

You don’t get the time back with your babies and on mat leave and if you have more in future it’s not the same as with your first as you have other things to work around. The housework and making dinners will always be there every single day so it can wait. As long as it’s hygienic and everyone has clean clothes, food to eat and it isn’t overwhelming you too much. The support network of mums will be invaluable and matter more than painting and cleaning the house.

I don't know why I'm getting piled on here tbh. Dh and I did do that kind of thing and consider it leisure. He used to take the baby to the local brewery taproom to see friends and 100% consider that a treat.

And yes, reading the bedtime story is also relaxing, sometimes I even fall asleep doing it.

Honestly I'm trying tk help as someone who had terrible PPD myself. If you consider these activities as "work" then it is a mindset that will not help the PPD.

I'm sorry but if he has this level of contempt for you this is dead in the water.

So then the partner has had 2 hours of leisure time, a lunch break at work and an hour of dog walking. Which equals to the 2 hours the op has going to playgroups.

He does sound very awful and selfish and critical.

So you think there's only two types of time - leisure time and punishment? How odd. I don't think the fact that the OP enjoys baby groups automatically makes it leisure time - in fact I think the fact that she enjoys them means that it's vital for keeping her well, which surely is the most important thing?

To my mind there are two types of time:
Leisure time, which is about relaxation and choosing to do things that replenish my energy and interest - watching tv, seeing friends, reading.
Work time, when I'm doing things that get stuff done, such as paid work, house work, childcare, diy that sort of thing. I might enjoy the work, but it's still work.

If I had a third 'punishment' category I might say the gym! Or rocking a bawling baby at 3am.

I don't see time spent looking after children as leisure time, regardless as to whether I'm with friends or not, largely because it's hard to relax when children are around, especially small ones.

You see it differently. That doesn't really matter when it comes to the OP, because her DP is just a massive dick.

I agree. I've said so already...!

This is domest abuse

Please reach out to your health visitor, famlily, friends, anyone you feel you can trust?

Definitely don’t stop the baby groups. You need the support of external people and new friends.

Oh I meant the husband and his family, not other people posting! Clearly I should have more specific 😊

MIL needs to fuck off. Her son should be helping you if you’re struggling. You gave birth 4 months ago they need to leave you alone. Or tell her she can come and help you clean if she’s that bothered

The OP also has the baby all day when he's at work and he's expecting her to do the bulk of cooking and cleaning as well. I don't see much "leisure time" in her life

never thought I’d see the day I’d say it but here we are - LTB
he’s an absolute PRICK as is his mother and you would genuinely be better off without the pair of them
my house fell to pieces after my first baby, I was unwell, I found everything just so difficult and whenever I’d get upset over the house etc my husband would just tell me that all that mattered in the whole world was that me and the baby were happy and healthy, so now I’m saying the same to you - please ignore him and honestly, kick him back to his mother

You aren't helping. At all. Beating the OP with the stick that looking after her colicky baby is hard and not fun party time because she's drinking a latte at the same time is horrible.

Your DH is being unreasonable and his mom needs to butt out. 4 months old is still a very tiny baby and you'll have your hands full! I had a velcro baby too and I liked spending time outside because baby would be distracted and looking at other things instead of clamouring only for me.

Who did the household chores and cooking before baby arrived?

Haven't read the full thread but WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK. This man is a cunt. What do single people do after work? - everything is the answer. Sometimes I think men only want kids so they they get a free, live-in slave. He won't get better. You are doing an amazing job, just focus on yourself and your baby. Your husband can go fuck himself.

I don’t think you’ll be able to understand anything op until you recognise that the root of it is that your partner is a cunt. He’s misogynistic, nasty, sexist, belittling. A truly horrible man.

once the penny has dropped on that, you’ll realise you’re not doing anything wrong and you’ve actually got a good balance between housework and baby.

checking for dust at the top, demanding food beyond what you have time for is horrible and nasty.

He used to cuddle me and tell me I am doing so much everyday by keeping our baby alive and everything can wait it was when I started going to groups he then questioned why I suddenly had time I have explained clearly that I always had the same time but I was very down before and was in rut groups helped me out he says great they dont the job now u can help a bit more

Yep I'm in full agreement with your last sentence that's for sure.

Maybe we are quibbling over the definition of "leisure", I wish I never chose the word.

If op gets something out of the baby groups (fine, not leisure, but "replenishing her energy" if you much prefer that), then absolutely she should keep going.

My only point was a) it's possible to keep up with cleaning too, just 30min or so a day, and entertain the baby at the same time, and b) as long as the partner also has commensurate energy-replenishing time, which it seems like he very much does, so you can all stand down because I agree

Unless his mother is very very very old then she is very mistaken about there being baby groups in her day !
I volunteered at one ( as there were a couple of ' helpers' as well as mummies ) in 1976 !!!
that's 50 years ago - so is your husband 50 / 50+ ?!!! or younger !

then around 6 years later I took one of my children to one, I was a nanny at that time and we went twice a week.
so this makes your husband 42 ish ?

and of course I took my own and that was 30 - 24 years ago - which I guess is more likely to be your husbands age ?

You’ll find your mental health will improve no end if you leave a relationship where you’re treated like shit on someone’s shoe and you accept it.