Solo night away - dh not happy

[Twosugarsplzz]

Hello

I have an 11month baby boy. My mum has looked after him, one on one, a handful of times and had him overnight once (just a few weeks ago). He slept through (unusual!), ate all his dinner (again unusual!) And even let my mum brush his teeth. I was shocked but pleased. Anyway, two of my close friends are on annual leave and have asked if I fancied lunch at theirs in a few days time. I agreed. I checked if my mum could look after baby (as dh working) and she said yes. I would have taken baby but their flat is very small and they have a dog who i haven't met yet. My baby boy wants to crawl everywhere and I dont know this dog. My friends live near my mums house (i live an hour away from family and friends).
As mentioned, my mum said she would look after baby and then offered to take him overnight that same day too! I said no, I was only seeing friends for lunch. But then, after a few really bad sleepless nights, I thought, I could book a hotel and stay there while baby stays at my mums that night. She gets to spend time with grandson, she offered overnight, and I could catch up on sleep! I thought about asking dh to join but its too short notice for him to get time off work and then we'd have to think about what to do with our dog etc. I would have stayed at my mums but she lives in a flat and doesnt have much room. I would be sleeping on the couch. Or my mums room with my mum on the couch (i cant do that!).
So I was telling dh my idea of booking the hotel, room service, long bath, early night etc and he is really not happy. Told me its lazy and why am I desperate to get away from baby. I told him I am not and he told me I would be hitting the roof if other way around. I said damn right, cause you dont even do wake ups so yeah. He's now pissed at me.
We started talking again and he said he was taken back by my suggestion and he thinks its pretty selfish I would disappear to a hotel. He said I wanted a baby, as did he, so I dont get to just ditch him and go to a hotel whenever I like.
He is blowing this out of proportion but now I feel like shit. What would u do???

Same!

he sounds worse and worse as you go along. Which one could guess from the original snapshot. He doesn’t look after his own baby ever and you for some reason still pay 50% of thr billls?!? Why?

Ive clarified above what I meant by that comment 😭

You really don't understand why a night in a hotel - and proper solitude - is a special treat? It's most people's idea of bliss!

Not the same is it? OP does all wake ups and is exhausted and the dh does no wake ups and sleeps well? Maybe if the delight could step up and parent his child the OP wouldn’t be so knackered.

As someone who can clearly see he is making this a power struggle and being controlling by his language to guilt and control you, I'd absolutely book the hotel room now to put him firmly in his place.

best thing about being in London for work is the night on my own in a hotel. An early night in a bed without being kicked by tiny feet. 🙌🙌🙌

To not sound like a bitch..
I would hit roof if he went to visit his family and they looked after son while he stayed in hotel to catch up on sleep as he doesnt do wake ups etc. But if he went to meet a friend and wanted to have drinks and not worry about last train home etc. Great, have fun!

Totally do it. ❤️

I think you want to ask him what the actual issue is. Because it isnt that your baby is suffering, hes with his grandma. It isnt DH is nervous about solo parenting becuase baby is with his grandma.

This isnt about a hotel bubble bath. So id talk to him.

But either way id still go to the hotel. Your DH should be pleased his MiL is so supportive and his wife is getting some well deserved time with a friend. And the difference with him doing it, is it wouldnt occur to him to find childcare first- it would just be your job

Does he even love you? Because a loving husband would understand that he does no wake ups and you do them all, and would WANT you to have a night away.

He does no wake ups, he is a lazy bum who stays at home all the time, and he begrudges you sleep.

Does he have any good features? Because you sound way too good for him.

Does he even love you? Because a loving husband would understand that he does no wake ups and you do them all, and would WANT you to have a night away.

He does no wake ups, he is a lazy bum who stays at home all the time, and he begrudges you sleep.

Does he have any good features? Because you sound way too good for him.

Go he will get over it x

Go!!! Two overnights away from your baby in eleven months is hardly abandonment. But also, it sounds like he was just temporarily being a twat. I think if he takes a little bit of time to think about it he will see he was being unreasonable.

I kind of hate your husband for being so thoroughly ungenerous. Mean of spirit.

Your DH sounds like he really sucks.

Calling you 'lazy' is just totally out of line, as is trying to make you feel guilty as though wanting any time to rest is a sign that you are callously abandoning your child. That sort of emotional blackmail will likewise having you doing everything all the time for fear of him turning round and saying 'mummy doesn't care about you.'

By the time my DD was 2, my DH had looked after her by himself for a whole week at a time on 2 separate occasions whilst I was away for work (ok not 'by himself' - she was at nursery in the day and he had a bit of family support too - but he was doing almost all solo parenting evenings, nights and weekends around a stressful job). He had also had her for a night whilst I went to a hen do. I had solo parented whilst he went on holiday with his mates for a week and again on another weekend. We have each had solo nights out whilst the other looks after DD. We both love our DD and value family time but also value our careers, our friends, our hobbies and our sleep. We have decided that rather than both of us having to be exhausted and without time for our own things, we will support one another to each have time to ourselves.

No marriage is perfect and I don't mean this as a brag - just as a 'look what other blokes can do' comparison.

I am feeling a great deal of grrrrr on your behalf!

It feels quite pointed that being offered a baby-free night you're choosing to spend it alone rather than with your DH.

Your Mum only lives an hour away, you could either drop the baby at hers and go home or your DH join you at the hotel if you want the hotel experience.

I assume the reality is you want a night away from your DH as much (more?) as a break from your baby, which is quite an unpalatable thing for your DH to hear. It sounds like you're pissed off with your DH for not helping with the baby (fair) and rather than actually having that conversation with him you're just choosing not to spend time with him (unfair).

I have a hen do next month and he is with baby all weekend. I think he is feeling v.nerous as he doesnt have family close by... and my mum is coming along to hen do!

When I had two children aged 2 and 4, my husband asked what I’d like for my birthday. I said a night alone in a premier inn, half jokingly! He thought I was nuts but arranged it willingly, I had a bath, some wine, read my book….and have done it a number of times since then. It’s headspace and time away that is important. Don’t let him make you feel guilty about wanting that on one occasion!

Op, you’re not a bitch. You’re probably worn down with being married to a complete arsehole who you haven’t worked out is an arsehole yet. Despite detailing to us he’s lazy, selfish, doesn’t parent, doesn’t contribute equally, moody, nasty, controlling, doesn’t want you to have fun.

No, he is v.busy in work and cant take annual leave with a few days notice. Also we would have to pop dog into kennels. I also dont see the point driving home to drive 2 hrs the next day! I know i will do that after hotel but I will be well rested and chilled 😊 plus I would do housework if I went home etc. And dh would probably wake me up when he is getting up for work!

I’d be waking him up at night for baby every night saying you wanted baby, you’ve been so lucky yours came with 24 hour care but your 24 hour care machine is a bit broken with overuse and you need to be a parent. There was me giving you every night off but you kindly explained to me good parents don’t want any night off if they wanted their baby.
you’re setting up expectations for a long time, I’d dig in and firstly he’d be up every night until he apologised and secondly it’s time to shift gears and make sure he actively cares for baby every day now- dinner, bath, bed, weekend time. He’s a dad and he wanted this baby.

I get this but is your dh also able to have chill time for himself too?

This is insane. Again, you’ve described someone so bad at parenting he can’t even look after his own child for a weekend, as he does it so rarely, and rather than finding that embarrassing and pathetic, you defend him. Bonkers.

OP.. have you booked the hotel? 🤞🏼