Lovely man but still lives with his mum - red flag or not?

[Wasabiforlunch]

I’ve recently started seeing someone and I’m feeling really conflicted about it.

On paper (and in person!), he’s great. He’s mid 40s, has a solid job in the civil service, and when we’re together it’s genuinely easy - we laugh a lot, he’s kind, generous, and we can talk for hours without any awkwardness or boredom. We’ve got so much in common and I do really enjoy his company.

But…he still lives with his mum. It’s just the two of them, and his parents separated years ago. From what I can tell, she does pretty much everything for him. I don’t want to sound harsh, but it gives me a bit of an “arrested development” or “Peter pan” vibe and I’m finding it a little off-putting.

I can’t work out if I’m overreacting and this is just one of those situations that looks worse from the outside, or if it’s actually a red flag about independence and lifestyle compatibility.

Has anyone been in a similar situation? Did it turn out to be fine, or did it end up being an issue longer term?

I don’t want to write off someone I genuinely get on with, but equally I can’t shake the feeling that this could become a problem.

WWYD?

Yes, this also. Not only does he want a carer/housekeeper for himself, but he wants a carer for 'mother.' (For when she gets more elderly and infirm.)

See this would make me a bit wary for your MIL.
He could be the sort of person who will happily take care of her should she need it but I do know of a few men in this position who are really whingeing now the prospect that they may have to do the caring as their elderly mum ages.

It's almost as if they're spoilt children who never grown up and realised there's a quid pro quo element to life. Almost? What am I saying? Always.
Spoilt children can have tantrums when they can't get their own way.

This. It's unlikely to be anything but sheer laziness on his part.

MIL laid out the red carpet for her son the day he moved back in when he was in his late 30s. She has used him as some sort of surrogate H given her now late H was not the great father or H he thought he was. I remember stating to DH at the time he will be still there in his 50s. I have been correct.

@Ohpleeeease · Today 08:44

Civil service pay isn’t amazing and it’s difficult for a singleton to buy alone, so financially it’s not surprising.

Did you miss the bit where the OP said this man is in his mid 40s, and still lives with his mother? And he has never moved out/never lived alone?!!

It's not hard to save on ANY salary (in the UK,) if you're living with mummy. This man left school 27-28 years ago, and has presumably been working all that time. He should have enough money to buy a house outright in some parts of the country! And enough for a huge deposit on a house anywhere! He could easily have saved £500 a month for those 27-28 years, and if he did/if he has done, that would give him almost £170,000.

.

If, in roughly 20 years of work, he's not "saved for a place" already I'd wonder if that claim was true and there wasn't more to this

I agree with PPs that mummy doing everything for him would be bad enough on its own, but what if he was actually lured back because "mummy couldn't cope without him" - something he's unlikely to tell you?

Unless she had him very young she'll be entering the years when she'll need a lot more help, and with the pattern that's already been set I wouldn't risk this

Avoid avoid avoid.

I met a guy like this. When we started talking he didn't say he lived with his parents and stupidly I presumed that at the age of 45 he would have his own place. He was great though so I sort of looked past it......until I couldnt. His aim was to move in with me, which I made clear from the start would not be happening. About four years into our relationship he actually bought his own place but he was very resentful of me as he felt he should be living with me and not, you know, being an adult with a mortgage and bills of his own.

It's very unattractive and it's put me off dating, and I would certainly never date a man who lives with his parents.

Only progress the relationship if you're happy to end up living with his mother.

It's likely she is the only family member he genuinely trusts and there may not be a place for a new family member in his life.

My ex moved back in with mummy after we split... 3 and a half years ago. He made a tidy profit from the sale of our house - over £100,000, and has no intention of moving out again.

It's definitely a red flag.

A lot of my friends, if they've moved out then break up with their partner, but don't have kids, do move back to their parents.
It's only in the west this is seen as weird by some. Seems sensible to me to have company, and to share bills!

I thought in the non "west" a lot of people weren't too keen on unmarried people living together and also not that keen on divorce - where are you talking about?

I could get over living with his Mum, but not that she did everything for him. That would ring serious alarm bells for me as I wouldn’t want to get into anything other than a partnership

Oh yes It's giving Ronnie Corbett in "Sorry" vibes...

One of the dangers of people living at home for very long periods of time is that, even if they are saving ferociously for a house (which it doesn't sound as though this man is or he would have been long gone) - they get used to using their 'disposable income' as they wish. The parents take care of broken washing machines, they fix the roof, they pay for the man to sort out the guttering. Even if the adult child contributes towards household expenses, it is rarely the full cost of keeping them, and there are all the other costs associated with being a home owner that they don't have.

So they get a little bit used to always buying the best clothes. Always having the nice holidays, a good car, shopping at Waitrose (if Mum doesn't do all the shopping). They can spend their spare income as they choose. And they can find it a BIG problem when they move out and realise that it's not just food and bills, but running a household and also keeping a partner happy can soak up money on things that they don't want to spend on.

If you ever did live with him, would you be prepared to do everything? Bet he thinks he's being a hero to take the garbage out.

True, they never quite become a functioning adult, when you have to juggle finances and budget your salary it's a life skill and you don't learn it from living at home with Mummy forever...

It’s not the living with her that’s the problem so much as the fact that she does everything for him, and he has a good job so could, I assume, move elsewhere.

If it’s temporary (post divorce, mother sick, some other temporary difficulty), then fine. Doesn’t seem to be the case here.

I think it’s probably a red flag and I’d be really cautious.
I think the first step would be to go on a little self catering holiday and see if he is helpful with cooking, washing dishes etc (without being asked to!). If he seems to think it’s all your job then end immediately. If he’s helpful, it may be okay (as long as he’s not just putting on a front!).

I have a friend who is late 30's and still lives with his mum.
He did move out in his 20's then moved back to save a deposit but he's not a high earner.
He's genuinely one of the nicest people I know and I wouldn't have any qualms about dating him on this basis.
However when I first got to know him and found this out it definitely gave me the ick! It's only because we've always been friends that that wasn't a problem and I could get past that.
On a personal note though, having to have them always come to me for more frisky activities and into my space would irritate me.

Actually my ex boyfriend lived by himself.

However, his older brother and sister lived with their mother, they’re Cypriot so could be cultural. He explained to me his parents were very strict with his sister when she/they were younger and she wasn’t allowed to date non Cypriots/greeks. So she never married as there were few eligible men of that culture/race where they lived (SW London). Older brother now retired but a bachelor. Older sister now works part time, a spinster. Mum is ill but the younger one still takes her to hospital appointments and so on mostly as he’s the only one with the car. He lives in North London and works as a concierge.

Spend three days with him. See how many times his mum calls and texts…

Which is why him living with his mom is not necessarily an issue for me. My aunt lived with my grandfather pretty much her entire life till he died as a mutual support kind of thing.

But my grandfather was not doing everything for my aunt. I would be wary dating a man of any age whose mom did everything for him. They rarely grow out of that expectation.

Or better still. Spend two weeks see how often he expects you to cook do the washing up and general house hold chores.

because i guarantee he didn’t just move in as he’s tight, it was as he was getting everting done for him,

In lots of cultures, it's very common for the mums to keep looking after their 'little boys' til middle-age and the women from these countries are completely fed up with mamma's boys! It's a well-known trap, for both the men and the women.

If he lived there for a few years with the goal to get on the property ladder, or was acting as a carer for a few years, fair enough. But failure to launch...it's up to the OP but for me, living with someone who wants to travel, live in different places, has their own flat (or house) and generally has high independence is very important. I don't want to have a relationship with a man and his mother from day one.