This has been my situation for the past four years which now leaves me in limbo which I waver between enjoying my independence and time to myself to frustration that I cannot enjoy the benefits of a true partnership and the security that brings.
My story is after 25 years with my late husband, raising two children who are now grown and independent, I started online dating and all the horrors that came with. I then met a wonderful man who initially told me he lived alone. Later, it came out that his mother was living with him, but I was reassured it was only temporary while they waited for his father’s visa, which had been delayed due to Covid. His father arrived in 2022 and guess what, they are both still living with him!
Some of this is cultural. English isn’t their first language, and given their age, I can understand some dependency. He also has three siblings who live locally, but because he is the eldest and single, while the others have young families, the responsibility has largely fallen to him.
He is genuinely one of the kindest, nicest men you could meet. Unfortunately, at times it feels like I’m dating an overgrown teenager. The house is legally his, and I’ve seen the deeds. I’ve met his whole family and have always been warmly welcomed. However, in practice, it is treated as his parents’ home.
Our entire relationship takes place at my house. There’s no spontaneity, no popping in to his, no staying over there. Over time, this has built resentment, especially as my household costs have increased with him staying three to four nights a week. He does contribute to food, but the overall imbalance is still there.
Our arguments tend to centre around how enmeshed he is with his family, including his siblings. I don’t feel like a priority, and at times it honestly feels like I’m having an affair, because there is a whole part of his life that I’m not really part of. The relationship can’t seem to move forward, and I’m left feeling stuck, in love with someone who isn’t fully independent.
I can understand parents taking on certain household roles, especially if they don’t work. That makes sense from a practical and even environmental perspective. But the bigger question is whether he can function independently. Can he cook? Can he clean? Can he manage basic day-to-day life?
In my case, he genuinely wouldn’t know how to use an oven, let alone a washing machine. I find it incredibly frustrating that some parents don’t teach their children these basic life skills. We teach kids how to cross the road safely, so why wouldn’t we teach them how to feed themselves and manage a home?
Even simple things like shopping are a struggle. If he goes to the shop with a list, I can almost guarantee I’ll get a phone call asking which item to choose. It’s exhausting over time. I do wonder if the online dating nightmare when i re entered the dating pool and all that endured helped convince me my boyfriend was worth hanging on to as he was such a genuine, kind man with many attributes at not hurting me, and because i had spent 4 years in grief it may have contributed to thinking over time this would change.
So, to answer your question about whether this is a red flag, I would say: pay close attention to actions, not words.
Also consider the wider dynamic. Will his mother realistically want him to be less available? How independent is she? Does she have her own social life, friends, confidence to go out alone, use transport, and manage day-to-day things?
It took me a long time to fully understand how significant all of this was, because each individual situation seemed reasonable. Taking parents to medical appointments and translating makes him a kind son. Taking his mum shopping, helping with heavy items, driving her to see friends or family all seem like caring, responsible things to do.
But when you step back, you realise all of it comes at a cost to your relationship. Because the underlying question is: without him, how would they cope?