Lovely man but still lives with his mum - red flag or not?

[Wasabiforlunch]

I’ve recently started seeing someone and I’m feeling really conflicted about it.

On paper (and in person!), he’s great. He’s mid 40s, has a solid job in the civil service, and when we’re together it’s genuinely easy - we laugh a lot, he’s kind, generous, and we can talk for hours without any awkwardness or boredom. We’ve got so much in common and I do really enjoy his company.

But…he still lives with his mum. It’s just the two of them, and his parents separated years ago. From what I can tell, she does pretty much everything for him. I don’t want to sound harsh, but it gives me a bit of an “arrested development” or “Peter pan” vibe and I’m finding it a little off-putting.

I can’t work out if I’m overreacting and this is just one of those situations that looks worse from the outside, or if it’s actually a red flag about independence and lifestyle compatibility.

Has anyone been in a similar situation? Did it turn out to be fine, or did it end up being an issue longer term?

I don’t want to write off someone I genuinely get on with, but equally I can’t shake the feeling that this could become a problem.

WWYD?

Norman Bates lived with his mum.🤷

I always imagine running things by my family. And I’d be embarrassed to tell them about his living situation. It’s a shame, but that says it all to me.
It might be different if he had lived independently before, but had returned home temporarily to care for mum (ill health, bereavement, whatever). But if he never has, that ain’t great 😬

100% red flag unless he's just moved back in after something hasn't worked out and it's a temporary thing (which doesn't sound like it is). I think men who stick too closely to the Mother Ship are to be treated with extreme caution.

What grade is he in civil service? Because O band and below. I would still live with my parents, better than living on your own on not much more than minimum wage!
But if it gives you the ick or think it’s a red flag then throw him back.

I wouldn't pre judge or write him off just because there's a sort of general feeling of disapproval in the air about people who differ from the expected pattern. It's not necessarily suspect that someone lives at home. At it's simplest it may be less lonely than living alone and as you've said there are financial reasons too. He may have been supporting his mother financially and saving some too, while also enjoying spending money on whatever.

It's lovely to meet someone you get on with so easily and comfortably. Enjoy this time, getting to know him better and finding out more about him as you go, what he thinks about life and living. Ask him about such things. There are so many different facets to a person and so much to discover. See how deep your compatibility goes and what you agree and disagree about. He may have very good potential as a partner for all we know.

Get to no him and see how it goes.
I would probably have a red flag against me if you met me.
I live in a hmo which I understand doesn't look brilliant in my mid 40s. But if you got to no me you would realise I've switched on with money since divorce many years ago and I'm more closer than ever to being able to buy a little house for myself.

it depends on why she does everything. She might actually want to. The issue might instead be what he expects from a partner and will he a can he afford to move out if things go long term.

@Wasabiforlunch a close friend of mine got divorced years ago and when vulnerable met someone who fleeced her 😡

She has been with her current partner for over ten years and he still lives at home - she moved back home. I have never seen her so happy and they have a great relationship.

Don’t worry about what other people think. If he’s a good person and you like being with him, just see how it goes.

Sorry @Wasabiforlunch but the update doesn’t sound very reassuring, I’ll be honest. Only for a few months?! 😬

Could be a few things going on. Is mum controlling? Is it her sense of purpose and what keeps her going? What’s his aim?

Tricky as I can understand why it makes sense in ways, but he really should be contributing at home. The man child is a bit of a turn off. He must do some stuff? The ‘man’ stuff at least if they’re going for very gender traditional roles? Mum has not created a healthy functioning adult by the sounds of it though...

He sounds kind and caring, though, what is he like at yours?

You may just need to give it more time to better understand and see what flags wave…

I’m not buying it. I lived with my parents to save a deposit and moved out in my late 20s (minimum wage), my brother did the same and moved out early 30s (on his own, not part of a couple). If he has a good job and she’s not charging him extortionate rent, surely he could buy outright by now!?! If he started saving at 20 that’s 25 years worth of savings!

I once dumped a guy who was 25 because still lived with his mum who did everything for him. Gave me the major ick.
if he actually lived fairly independently from his mother and one of them was in some kind of annex or something that would be different but that doesn’t sound like the case here

yes it’s difficult for young people to get a foothold outside the house but at 40+? Nah.

Not necessarily Normal Bates. A lot of people live in multi generational homes these days. It allows them to pool resources for a better quality of life. For example, husband, wife and kids live with wife's parents and brother so together they can afford a huge house and garden rather than everyone paying for separate tiny flats. Genius as long as they all get along!

I'm a 46 year old man, I've never left home, still live with mum, my wife and son (who will soon be off to uni) - everything runs smoothly - I long since purchased a house outright which is rented out and gives extra income.

I'm a good cook, can do laundry, go shopping, all of that - don't clean, pay a cleaner for that. My wife too has a house, again rented out and we inherited dad's share of our family home when he died. Both me and DW have gone back to part time working so we can enjoy life, weekends away, lazy days, days out etc..

My point is, it doesn't have to be a red flag - if it's something you personally don't like, fine, move along - but if he's a lovely chap why not carry on? you might find that he's extremely solvent and stable - and able to afford aforementioned cleaner.

Massive ick IMHO. Not really adulting and over 40? Something wrong there.

Plus, of course, if it's early days and he's looking to move out from Mum and into New Mum's home - he will be lovely and kind and decent and generous and all the things that he knows he has to be in order to catch himself a woman. Even the most dreadful men can put on a front for ages until they are sure of you and secure with their feet under the table.

So if you do go forward, OP, keep a very close eye.

If he is working full time and his Mother is a homemaker it's normal, IMO, that she do all his washing, cooking, cleaning, etc. Hopefully, she has taught him these skills.

My son lived with me for a bit while he was saving for a house and I didn't do anything for him.
He cooked his own food and washed and ironed his own clothes. He tided up if the place was a mess.
If he can't cook or manage a washing machine I'd be thinking again tbh.

Very few women in the uk who are separated would be a "homemaker". The likelihood is that mum is working at least part time and probably fulltime. If her son lives with her and does nothing he's going to be equally useless to a wife.

Wouldn’t think that goes on too much somehow .

What’s his job? What’s his relationship history and does he live in an area that is very expensive to buy in? Does his mum work? Does he spend nights away from home? Does he go on holiday with her? Have you met her? I’m just asking so I can get more of an understanding of his circumstances.

WWID? Tread carefully. As PPs have said, it is concerning that his mother does everything for him and he may well expect the same from you .exDP was living with his mum and she spoilt him rotten. He was fun and lovely too but he certainly did not think it was his place to get his hands dirty. Unfortunately I only realised that once DC1 was born.

what’s his relationship like with his mum? If she ansolutely dotes on him to a ridiculous extent , be very very careful indeed.

Op I don’t see why you wouldn’t want to give him a chance some people cannot afford to live alone or maybe his mum can’t. why pay rent if he’s happy I know it’s not ideal for privacy but if he’s nice at least give him the benefit of doubt then decide. Op maybe he’s waiting until he finds someone who he wants to live with. If he’s getting waited on hand & foot then be more wary before any commitment.

Hi, my now ex had always lived with his mum apart from couple of years with his ex gf. He tried living with me - that only lasted on and off. We even had a baby (me hoping that would keep him). But even now going into our 3rd year separated he still can't detach from his mummy. Having to leave my 5 year old with 'him and his mum' like she's the other woman - who came between us once the child was born. As he took her side for everything. He even left consistently when she was born to be back as his childhood bedroom. I see him now even - still so settled in his childhood bedroom so weirdly still attached to his childhood house and parents. He's in his early 40's. It definitely did not work out. Even sadly with a child involved. He has absolutely no fight in him to be with his child at her home and with the mother of his child. He will never grow up. I wouldn't get too involved with him - definitely not. :)

How about asking him...