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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Lovely man but still lives with his mum - red flag or not?

299 replies

Wasabiforlunch · 12/04/2026 22:05

I’ve recently started seeing someone and I’m feeling really conflicted about it.

On paper (and in person!), he’s great. He’s mid 40s, has a solid job in the civil service, and when we’re together it’s genuinely easy - we laugh a lot, he’s kind, generous, and we can talk for hours without any awkwardness or boredom. We’ve got so much in common and I do really enjoy his company.

But…he still lives with his mum. It’s just the two of them, and his parents separated years ago. From what I can tell, she does pretty much everything for him. I don’t want to sound harsh, but it gives me a bit of an “arrested development” or “Peter pan” vibe and I’m finding it a little off-putting.

I can’t work out if I’m overreacting and this is just one of those situations that looks worse from the outside, or if it’s actually a red flag about independence and lifestyle compatibility.

Has anyone been in a similar situation? Did it turn out to be fine, or did it end up being an issue longer term?

I don’t want to write off someone I genuinely get on with, but equally I can’t shake the feeling that this could become a problem.

WWYD?

OP posts:
Oddgain · 13/04/2026 14:48

SassyButClassy · 13/04/2026 14:43

I asked DH for you and he said you should run.

Don't know if this helps or not!

genuine question - why would it?

SassyButClassy · 13/04/2026 14:49

Oddgain · 13/04/2026 14:48

genuine question - why would it?

Show quote history

Because I guess it helps to get perspective from a man about another mans behaviour. I mean, it might not, but I thought I'd offer it, in case?

QuintadosMalvados · 13/04/2026 14:54

Bertiebiscuit · 13/04/2026 14:39

Exactly my thought! I had such a tragic old fashioned picture of this manbaby in my head - positively prehistoric! Including his job 😱

Show quote history

I feel bad derailing this thread by mentioning old solo projects by The Two Ronnies.
Maybe if I had Porridge for breakfast instead of toast it wouldn't have happened. Mind you it's not my fault that this site's Open All Hours.

I'll stop now. Sorry!

Tessasanderson · 13/04/2026 15:05

Much more detail needed tbh. Is he living with his mum because it just hasnt really been an issue for him to move out? Is it his house? Has he been saving his money whilst living with mum and has money to establish a new life? Just because someone hasnt moved out doesnt mean they are a lost cause.

What i would say is i wouldnt consider anything long term without a few answers

Zov · 13/04/2026 16:52

Oddgain · 13/04/2026 14:48

genuine question - why would it?

Show quote history

I wondered this too.

@SassyButClassy 'I asked my DH for you, and he said you should run... Don't know if this helps or not...'

Whaaaaaat?' Confused

Why would the opinion of a man be more important than that of all the women who have given advice on this thread....? (In this scenario, or pretty much any other really.)

Baffled. Confused

.

JohnTheRevelator · 13/04/2026 17:47

Agree with a previous poster who said that still living with his mum is not necessarily a red flag,but the fact that she does everything for him most definitely is! He would most likely expect you to take over when she's no longer around,or able to run around after him.

GeorgeMichaelsCat · 14/04/2026 14:05

QuintadosMalvados · 13/04/2026 09:34

Why? Unless there's a drip feed here and she requires care and the poor guy has a strong sense of responsibility and well OK that's fine (though not ideal) and as it appears he's only moved out for a few months, he's obviously got more red flags than a communist parade.

Even if he has missed out on life as she needs care, he's still going to lack life skills, it may not be his fault, but OP will have her work cut out.

Show quote history

OP may think he is worth the work. That is why I said 'with caution'.

TwinklySquid · 14/04/2026 18:13

Wasabiforlunch · 12/04/2026 22:05

I’ve recently started seeing someone and I’m feeling really conflicted about it.

On paper (and in person!), he’s great. He’s mid 40s, has a solid job in the civil service, and when we’re together it’s genuinely easy - we laugh a lot, he’s kind, generous, and we can talk for hours without any awkwardness or boredom. We’ve got so much in common and I do really enjoy his company.

But…he still lives with his mum. It’s just the two of them, and his parents separated years ago. From what I can tell, she does pretty much everything for him. I don’t want to sound harsh, but it gives me a bit of an “arrested development” or “Peter pan” vibe and I’m finding it a little off-putting.

I can’t work out if I’m overreacting and this is just one of those situations that looks worse from the outside, or if it’s actually a red flag about independence and lifestyle compatibility.

Has anyone been in a similar situation? Did it turn out to be fine, or did it end up being an issue longer term?

I don’t want to write off someone I genuinely get on with, but equally I can’t shake the feeling that this could become a problem.

WWYD?

Having dated someone like this who went from mum-wife-mum, run!

You will find him so frustrating if you ever live together. He’ll be saying “it takes time to learn things” and use that as an excuse. You’ll slowly loose your mind.

I also had a female friend who stayed at home. She would moan about all sorts of petty things that her parents did without realising she was the one being unreasonable. She refused to learn to cook then would moan if her mother didn’t cook for her and she had to buy expensive ready meals.

You learn a lot living alone. It’s an important life stage. I’m yet to meet some one who is well adjusted who hasn’t flown the nest.

allotmentgardener · 14/04/2026 18:16

I ended up with one of these for a while. Turned out he has a massive porn addiction and also took voyeristic photos of me which he uploaded to the Internet (even this was 15+ years ago). I ended up being his 2nd mother and doing everything in the house.

I ditched and ended up taking him to court.

My advice? Avoid or approach with extreme caution ⚠️.

SixtySomething · 14/04/2026 18:25

If he’s a Civil Servant working in Central London, then he won’t be able to afford to buy on his salary in a convenient part of London. Salaries in the CS are not high enough to do that on one wage, but surely you know that already?

Missj25 · 14/04/2026 18:31

Wasabiforlunch · 12/04/2026 22:05

I’ve recently started seeing someone and I’m feeling really conflicted about it.

On paper (and in person!), he’s great. He’s mid 40s, has a solid job in the civil service, and when we’re together it’s genuinely easy - we laugh a lot, he’s kind, generous, and we can talk for hours without any awkwardness or boredom. We’ve got so much in common and I do really enjoy his company.

But…he still lives with his mum. It’s just the two of them, and his parents separated years ago. From what I can tell, she does pretty much everything for him. I don’t want to sound harsh, but it gives me a bit of an “arrested development” or “Peter pan” vibe and I’m finding it a little off-putting.

I can’t work out if I’m overreacting and this is just one of those situations that looks worse from the outside, or if it’s actually a red flag about independence and lifestyle compatibility.

Has anyone been in a similar situation? Did it turn out to be fine, or did it end up being an issue longer term?

I don’t want to write off someone I genuinely get on with, but equally I can’t shake the feeling that this could become a problem.

WWYD?

Wouldn’t necessarily be a red flag .
That’s he , & his Mother’s home .
When his mom passes , it is his home 🤷🏻‍♀️.
How do you know his Mother does everything for him ??

Whatinthedoopla · 14/04/2026 18:43

JHound · 12/04/2026 22:10

Him living with his mom is not necessarily a red flag for me but her doing everything for him IS a massive red flag.

Agree with this statement

Pennyfan · 14/04/2026 18:55

My y friend married a man who lived with his mum in his late thirties. When she got pregnant (by accident before they were married), his mum packed a case and told him he had to act like a man now. They are still together, 35 years later!

Newsenmum · 14/04/2026 19:04

What’s his reasoning? Would he ever want to movr in with a partner? If so, would he cope with you not mothering him? I think you need to have a serious conversation with him about this and his reaction will be telling.

Newsenmum · 14/04/2026 19:06

Does his mum also live in london? It may be he finds it easier to let her do everything because that’s what she’s like but he’d step up for an actual partner. Just have this conversation with hjm.

sarahj68 · 14/04/2026 19:16

What are you looking for? A long term relationship with marriage and children? If he is kind, fun to be around, is respectful to his mother, then stick with it. Get an invite to meet her. You might end up thanking her for raising a good man.

Kave · 14/04/2026 19:17

Isn’t the average age of first time buyers 40+ these days? Leaving home before marriage is fairly new. 3 of my uncles were unmarried & only one moved away, the other two stayed with their mum. That was normal until quite recently. If moving out means a less comfortable house in a less desirable area & he gets on with his mum, why would he? A change in his life may provide the impetus or he may want to carry on as now. Time to find out? Ask him how he sees the future?

YourDeftNavyHiker · 14/04/2026 19:37

If you like him, then what's the big deal. I never found it hard to find people I didn't enjoy spending time with when dating but it was pretty difficult to find someone I did so I wouldn't be quick to pass up someone you actually like. Beyond that, no one on this thread knows anything worth knowing about this man, his character, his relationship with his mother or others, or anything else about him. Only you do. So do you really care about some judgemental old bags on Mumsnet? :)

Mackerelfillets · 14/04/2026 19:44

I would need to know WHY he hasnt left. Has he left and gone back? What is his dating history? I'd continue seeing him for a bit longer.

Tuesdayschild50 · 14/04/2026 19:52

Depends if he has never moved out which is an absolute red flag and a complete no.
Or has he had to go back home due to separation from a partner financial reasons something like that ...if he has plans to look for his own place again and have his independence then give it a chance.
I went out with somebody about 10 years ago he let his house get repossessed moved back in with his parents he was hopeless with money taking himself on holiday buying all sorts of clothes and always used to push for us to move in together i ended it ..we met up a few years later he had met someone else moved in with her then moved back to his parents again as its not the life he wanted .
Totally put me off him he was early to mid 40's back then.
It really depends on the circumstances.

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 14/04/2026 20:01

Plus, if he's in his forties his mum must be in her sixties at the very youngest. So he's letting a woman who's not far off retirement or is retired do all the work for him? No 'put your feet up, Mum, I'll do dinner and run the hoover around'?

Because if that's the case then he's definitely a non-goer.

Pineapplewaves · 14/04/2026 20:29

Why does he live with his Mum? I know a man in his 40’s who lives with his Mum - the reason is that his Dad ran off with a another women and left his Mum, who had been a SAHM all her life with nothing (they had lived in a rented house). He didn’t want his Mum living in temporary accommodation so he invited her to live with him (he was single at the time). He’s told his Mum she can live in the house for the rest of her life. It’s only him on the mortgage so the house will be all his again when she’s gone. He says if he meets someone he hopes she’ll be happy to have him move in with her until his Mum has gone and he gets his house back (he couldn’t afford two mortgages). His Mum does everything for him though as she’s retired so that might be an issue if he moves in with a partner…….

Whammyammy · 14/04/2026 20:40

You'll be his new mummy. Get your apron strings ready for this manchild

mustwashmycurtains · 14/04/2026 20:41

SixtySomething · 14/04/2026 18:25

If he’s a Civil Servant working in Central London, then he won’t be able to afford to buy on his salary in a convenient part of London. Salaries in the CS are not high enough to do that on one wage, but surely you know that already?

here is the issue - he's never bothered to make the adult decision to find something paid on a practical level that can cover him being an adult. others have had to make decisions (move somewhere affordable, downsize, commute or find a new career) he has not had to - because he is a child.

Also, I bet that the second she becomes unwell or infirm he's going to expect to have to move back in, because that's the precedent they've already set. He's going to spend his middle age having to care for her. Because with him always there she also hasn't had to rely on her own friends and network (presumably) They are now codependent. Which is icky. And a ticking time bomb as she ages.

Sorry OP. I'm OLD too and I know it's hard to ditch a semi-decent guy and start over but this sounds like a baaaad idea

TowerRavenSeven · 14/04/2026 20:47

Run.