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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Lovely man but still lives with his mum - red flag or not?

299 replies

Wasabiforlunch · 12/04/2026 22:05

I’ve recently started seeing someone and I’m feeling really conflicted about it.

On paper (and in person!), he’s great. He’s mid 40s, has a solid job in the civil service, and when we’re together it’s genuinely easy - we laugh a lot, he’s kind, generous, and we can talk for hours without any awkwardness or boredom. We’ve got so much in common and I do really enjoy his company.

But…he still lives with his mum. It’s just the two of them, and his parents separated years ago. From what I can tell, she does pretty much everything for him. I don’t want to sound harsh, but it gives me a bit of an “arrested development” or “Peter pan” vibe and I’m finding it a little off-putting.

I can’t work out if I’m overreacting and this is just one of those situations that looks worse from the outside, or if it’s actually a red flag about independence and lifestyle compatibility.

Has anyone been in a similar situation? Did it turn out to be fine, or did it end up being an issue longer term?

I don’t want to write off someone I genuinely get on with, but equally I can’t shake the feeling that this could become a problem.

WWYD?

OP posts:
C152 · 13/04/2026 08:23

People have different things they want in a partner, so you need to consider what your 'must have' elements are. I categorically would not make the mistake of taking on a man child again (sorry, he still lives with his mother and allows her to do everything for him - he's a manchild) and you also need to face a bit or reality. He may be lying to himself rather than deliberately being dishonest with you, but he's waiting for his mother to die. He's never going to move out. If being independent was a priority or even semi-important to him, he would have done it by now. He would have rented (no one WANTS to rent, it's just a rung on the adulthood ladder and, unless you have loads of money, necessary), he would have moved areas, he would have accepted he could only afford a less desirable property, he would have bought an investment property in a different area to the one he lived, he would have sought out a different or a second job etc.

QuintadosMalvados · 13/04/2026 08:24

BreatheAndFocus · 13/04/2026 08:10

This is my ex! Trust me, it’s a huge red flag! A big man-baby who’s never grown up, expects mummy to do everything for him, and has never progressed into full adulthood. Even when he finally moved out (circumstances forced him to- he’d still be there now if it was up to him) he hasn’t reached proper adulthood. He also struggles with adult relationships.

They don’t get better. Mine still has mummy round to do his chores, and takes his washing home to mummy every week 🙄 He also spends as little time as possible in his own house, returning to mummy for multiple nights and the weekend each week, and spending all his time off work there.

Yeah even if they divorce and get their own place they quickly revert to taking washing round to mum's and having her sorting out his life admin etc.

I very briefly dated a man like this. I think the final straw was when I happened to be shopping at the same time as them and he was trailing after her with the trolley and she was asking if he liked this and would he like half of this.

Just the visuals of it. It was all wrong somehow.

Naunet · 13/04/2026 08:25

User086758 · 13/04/2026 07:54

He's autistic. The MN neurodivergence police will get their knickers in a massive twist about this but I am willing to bet everything that he is autistic, possibly ADHD. He is high functioning enough to hold down a job and take care of his hygiene and appearance but struggles massively with executive function and life admin. His mum is absolutely aware of this and that's why it came to this arrangement.

The phrase "arrested development" is a bit unfair as it suggests some sort of trauma or abnormal MH issue. When in reality, many ND men live at home because they're physically incapable of taking care of all their own needs. This is extremely common, although the majority of high-masking autistic men manage to shift this work onto their wives so it seems less weird from a social standpoint. MN is full of threads from women who literally do everything for their incapable ND partners.

Don't be ridiculous, not even the top experts in the world, can diagnose autism from a few third party posts over the internet. This could just as easily be down to laziness or misogyny.

Eddielizzard · 13/04/2026 08:27

ick ick ick

man child

MojoMoon · 13/04/2026 08:28

If he has been working for 20 plus years while living with his mum and not paying full commercial rent, then how on earth does he not have a sizeable deposit saved for his own property?

If he has been putting 500 pounds a month away for 20 years at 3pc interest, he would have over 164k saved away.

Minniliscious · 13/04/2026 08:31

Hohofortherobbers · 12/04/2026 22:24

I'm just picturing Ronnie Corbett in Sorry!
About as off putting as any man could be.

😂😂😂😂

OhWise1 · 13/04/2026 08:31

I don't think its necessarily a red flag and would, in many cultures, be absolutely normal. I can see quite clear financial, practical and social benefits. Maybe it's a quid pro quo. She is time-rich but financially poor, whereas he is time-poor but financially comfortable, So she does most of the housekeeping and he pays more of tbe bills

biscuitcollective · 13/04/2026 08:32

User086758 · 13/04/2026 07:54

He's autistic. The MN neurodivergence police will get their knickers in a massive twist about this but I am willing to bet everything that he is autistic, possibly ADHD. He is high functioning enough to hold down a job and take care of his hygiene and appearance but struggles massively with executive function and life admin. His mum is absolutely aware of this and that's why it came to this arrangement.

The phrase "arrested development" is a bit unfair as it suggests some sort of trauma or abnormal MH issue. When in reality, many ND men live at home because they're physically incapable of taking care of all their own needs. This is extremely common, although the majority of high-masking autistic men manage to shift this work onto their wives so it seems less weird from a social standpoint. MN is full of threads from women who literally do everything for their incapable ND partners.

I mean, so bloody what?

Even if there is a legit reason for it, it doesnt change the fact that the OP will end up being mother number 2 for him. Who the fuck wants to go into a long term relationship doing "literally everything". That sounds miserable AF to me. There is nothing in this for the OP at all apart from a life of drudgery and servitude.

GlovedhandsCecilia · 13/04/2026 08:32

JHound · 12/04/2026 22:10

Him living with his mom is not necessarily a red flag for me but her doing everything for him IS a massive red flag.

This is how I feel.

Feelingworried26 · 13/04/2026 08:33

It's obviously freaking you out so don't ignore that unease.
Personally I don't I think living with mum a red flag on its own, but it does mean that he hasn't ever been attracted enough to make a life with another woman, so he may not be with you either.

thefloorislavayes · 13/04/2026 08:35

Maybe she can’t afford to
live by herself and he’s supporting her?

Zov · 13/04/2026 08:37

Kastri · 12/04/2026 22:08

I would feel he's lining up his next housekeeper for when his mum's not able.
It would definitely not be a 'job' I wanted!

I agree...

Most men don't know how to be on their own/are never on their own, and many men can't be independent. (Most don't want to be!) Many men - when they lose their wife in middle age or slightly older (40-65ish say -) either through death or divorce, do their best to try to find another woman, and it's not just for the company.

They future-proof themselves to make sure they have a woman in their life going forward, not just for sex/company, but to be a housekeeper and carer. Some men very likely don't realise they're doing it, but they are, and they will.

Men don't do well without a woman, and this man @Wasabiforlunch is no different. He has not lived with a woman before, and has always lived with his mum, and he knows she is living on borrowed time now... So he is (as @Kastri said) lining up his next housekeeper...

If he is absolutely lovely, then it seems like a real shame to end it, but don't live with him. And do not give up your home. If he starts getting snitty if you refuse to live with him, that will tell you all you need to know. He NEEDS a woman, rather than wants to be with one...

As some posters have said, if he had left home for some years several times, travelled/worked abroad for a few years, it may not be so bad, but still living with mum in your 40s suggest a failure to launch. And I'm sorry, but it is worse if it's a man still living with his mum than if it's a woman who is, because you just know mummy does everything for him.

TheGoddessFrigg · 13/04/2026 08:38

MY uncle had a friend like this. Hugely attractive man, excellent job in medical research- but had bought his parents house and lived in the basement. When he was in his 50s, he had a very nice girlfriend but would sneak her into his basement through the window as he was so afraid of upsetting his parents.
It was all deeply weird- he tried to blame it on cultural reasons but I always wanted to say if it was cultural, surely even then his parents would prefer their son to be married rather than the eternal bachelor?

deserthighway · 13/04/2026 08:38

He sounds fine for boyfriend material - in fact he should have lots of spare cash for great dates and week-ends away so should at least be fun. Whether or not he's husband/long term relationship material is another matter and only time will tell. I like the idea of having a week away self catering to see how he shapes up.

As for saving up for a deposit - lots of people pay off a whole house mortgage in 20 years, so i think he's telling a bit of a fib there.

ThunderCatsHooo · 13/04/2026 08:38

Has he been married/in a long term relationship and returned home after it broke down? I know plenty of men who have done this temporarily (a year or so) before moving back out. This is very different to meeting a man who just never left home, it would create a very odd dynamic especially if the mum is on her own too. It depends which he is, I wouldn't want to be with someone who just never left home, our next door neighbours son is like this, mid 50's, great job just never moved out. From all accounts he's never had relationships, he seems like a very normal intelligent bloke so it makes little sense. I wouldn't want to date someone like this, I'd imagine you'd be taking on a mother's role. Our neighbours are in their late 70's/early 80s and the dad will often say that his wife made his son too comfortable at home, she does everything for him. I've noticed the son does none of the outside jobs around the house either, for example our 80 year old neighbour climbs up to clean the gutters, who on earth would allow their 80 year old dad to do that when you are a very able bodied 50 odd year old living at home? It amazes us.

I wouldn't want to be with a man child like this.

MulberryFresser · 13/04/2026 08:39

LauraJaneGrace · 12/04/2026 22:11

Depends, did he move out and then move back due to different circumstances? Separation, caring needs, economic reasons???

Or has he never, ever lived apart from his mum at the age of forty something?

If it's the second I'd run for the hills.

Agree - never moving out is an ick!

MulberryFresser · 13/04/2026 08:40

A bigger ick is expecting a potential long term to move in with them both!

QuintadosMalvados · 13/04/2026 08:40

biscuitcollective · 13/04/2026 08:32

I mean, so bloody what?

Even if there is a legit reason for it, it doesnt change the fact that the OP will end up being mother number 2 for him. Who the fuck wants to go into a long term relationship doing "literally everything". That sounds miserable AF to me. There is nothing in this for the OP at all apart from a life of drudgery and servitude.

Edited
Show quote history

Agree. He may also be highly emotionally manipulative having honed his skills with mummy.
He may have a certain charm but this will wear thin when the rose-tinted specs come off and the reality of day to day living hits.
And its not just about domestic chores, either, that's the least of it, it's more about they're like lost little boys who can't sort f-ing anything out.
Or make a decision about anything.
You will constantly be wearing your big girl pants and can never relax.

Girlwithavibe · 13/04/2026 08:41

Wasabiforlunch · 12/04/2026 22:47

He moved out briefly years ago , only for a few months then moved back again, his reasoning is money and he can’t afford to buy in his area, he says he doesn’t want to rent and is saving up to move out. Eventually?

Red flag !! He's cheap !
If he is earning and living at home all this time he must have saved a lot of money !
Enough to move out !!

ShoopShoopBaDoop · 13/04/2026 08:42

My neighbour is a man in his early 50's, we were at school together. He has always lived with his parents and continued to do so when his dad died, everyone I know says it's weird.

DH's cousin (59) lived with his parents until they died a few years back.

Both of these men are lovely people to talk to but there is something strange about them that I just can not put my finger on.

Maybe it's my own ick as I am attracted to independent people and living with a parent into your mid life and beyond just feels weird and wrong to me. I can't not imagine DH (or my own son) wanting to live with a parent well into middle age, even if it was due to financial reasons, dh would rather rent and be independent.

I would worry this man isn't capable of fending for himself if his elderly mother is still doing everything for him. Maybe this is why he is still single, it's probably put a lot of women off.

Error404FucksNotFound · 13/04/2026 08:43

He's good on paper? Are you sure?
On paper, he's a man in his 40s who's lived with mummy his entire life, minus a few months and she does everything for him?

On paper he's a fucking man child who likely doesnt even know how to turn a cooker on.

I wouldn't touch him with a barge pole.

If you'd said he lives with his mum but he pays his way, does his share of chores. has a few bills in his name, etc then I'd think better of him.

Ohpleeeease · 13/04/2026 08:44

Civil service pay isn’t amazing and it’s difficult for a singleton to buy alone, so financially it’s not surprising.

Are you sure she does everything, or does she just do the “wifey” things that she used to do for his father, and he pulls his weight on the traditionally male jobs? Either way there is a dynamic you need to be comfortable with because he won’t just abandon her for you. I don’t think it’s a red flag that he lives with and supports his DM, and he might be a really good, honest and caring guy as a partner, but it sounds like his DM will always be a presence.

MrsJeanLuc · 13/04/2026 08:44

Kastri · 12/04/2026 22:08

I would feel he's lining up his next housekeeper for when his mum's not able.
It would definitely not be a 'job' I wanted!

Plus someone to look after his mum when she gets old and frail.

My advice @Wasabiforlunch is to enjoy it while you can - the early stages of a relationship can be just lovely - but be prepared to move on once the initial gloss wears off.

heidi696 · 13/04/2026 08:46

For me this would be a major red flag OP. I met my ex and he had never lived away from home/ same reasons- didn’t want to rent etc. we were together for 15 years. When we split he moved straight back 🙈he just never grew up. Honestly if you’re happy with a fairly casual relationship of companionship and not moving in together then go for it but if you want more honestly I’d let this one go.

ThunderCatsHooo · 13/04/2026 08:46

Wasabiforlunch · 12/04/2026 22:47

He moved out briefly years ago , only for a few months then moved back again, his reasoning is money and he can’t afford to buy in his area, he says he doesn’t want to rent and is saving up to move out. Eventually?

How old is he? We moved back home for about 5 years after uni to save for a house deposit, we weren't massive earners but manged to save a decent deposit (and enough to pay for a big white wedding) in that time, how long do you think it would take if you are paying low rent to parents?