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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Lovely man but still lives with his mum - red flag or not?

299 replies

Wasabiforlunch · 12/04/2026 22:05

I’ve recently started seeing someone and I’m feeling really conflicted about it.

On paper (and in person!), he’s great. He’s mid 40s, has a solid job in the civil service, and when we’re together it’s genuinely easy - we laugh a lot, he’s kind, generous, and we can talk for hours without any awkwardness or boredom. We’ve got so much in common and I do really enjoy his company.

But…he still lives with his mum. It’s just the two of them, and his parents separated years ago. From what I can tell, she does pretty much everything for him. I don’t want to sound harsh, but it gives me a bit of an “arrested development” or “Peter pan” vibe and I’m finding it a little off-putting.

I can’t work out if I’m overreacting and this is just one of those situations that looks worse from the outside, or if it’s actually a red flag about independence and lifestyle compatibility.

Has anyone been in a similar situation? Did it turn out to be fine, or did it end up being an issue longer term?

I don’t want to write off someone I genuinely get on with, but equally I can’t shake the feeling that this could become a problem.

WWYD?

OP posts:
Hohofortherobbers · 12/04/2026 22:24

I'm just picturing Ronnie Corbett in Sorry!
About as off putting as any man could be.

Whatexcellentboiledpotatoes · 12/04/2026 22:25

Also - you say he's generous. Well, he can afford to be, can't he? He has no bills.

Will he be as generous when he's paying his share of rent/mortgage/utilities/whatever else mumsie forks out for?

Cornonthecob17 · 12/04/2026 22:26

Id be sussing out his views on women. I say this because I have an uncle who’s a conservative Christian that lived with my grandparents and was waited on hand and foot by my granny until he married in his 40s and then lived with his wife who then kept him. Even if he isn’t someone who expects women specifically to do all the domestic work, he may have gotten used to it and be useless around the house so I’d be seeing it as a potential red flag and doing what I could to suss him out.

hididdlyho · 12/04/2026 22:27

If she's cooking, cleaning, doing his laundry for him, then that would be a red flag for me. He's probably looking for someone to do everything for him and if she enjoys infantilising him, she'll probably not take kindly to any girlfriend he gets.

Anonanonanonagain · 12/04/2026 22:34

It depends. If he lives with his mother STILL and never moved out then ick just no but if he has had to move in AGAIN due to a breakup or something then I would leave it a while longer.

Blodyneighbour · 12/04/2026 22:39

Red flag. I met a 45yr old man who still lived with mummy. Its cos none else could live with him. He was awful

Credittocress · 12/04/2026 22:39

Whatexcellentboiledpotatoes · 12/04/2026 22:23

If he's moved in for a bit because something's happened or he's looking after her then fine.

If he's never left home then oh good god no. I couldn't not deal with that. He has no idea how to live Alone, pay his own bills, run his own house? Ick. You'll just get to be his next housekeeper, not a partner. Because how can a man who's never looked after himself fully be expected to be in an equal partnership with you?

Run for the hills.

Maybe harsh but if he’s moved back in to look after her I’d run for the hills too. If she needs help or care he’s very very unlikely to then move in with a partner and be able to leave her to it.

Cardinalita90 · 12/04/2026 22:43

I think more information is needed. Speak to him and find out why he's still at home - it's unusual so I suspect there must be something driving it.

I dated someone who lived with his parents at 38 because he'd sold his house and gone travelling but I quickly realised he had no intention to leave unless it was to mine! Plus it meant I could never go to stay at his, he always at mine which I wasn't a massive fan of. Meant I always felt i had to have fresh sheets, clean up each time etc.

AcquadiP · 12/04/2026 22:44

The "she does everything for him" would put me right off.

Original poster
Wasabiforlunch · 12/04/2026 22:47

He moved out briefly years ago , only for a few months then moved back again, his reasoning is money and he can’t afford to buy in his area, he says he doesn’t want to rent and is saving up to move out. Eventually?

OP posts:
MustTryHarderAndHarder · 12/04/2026 22:50

You won't know until you live with him.

LauraJaneGrace · 12/04/2026 22:51

Well the update would also lead me to question his relationship history.

He's never really left home, so it's more difficult to imagine he's had any serious or long term relationships ..which is another Red Flag in his mid forties.

Happyjoe · 12/04/2026 22:53

Wasabiforlunch · 12/04/2026 22:47

He moved out briefly years ago , only for a few months then moved back again, his reasoning is money and he can’t afford to buy in his area, he says he doesn’t want to rent and is saving up to move out. Eventually?

That's not as bad..... but why doesn't he do his own chores? He's never learned and I do think if you were to move in together that he'd see you as the new housekeeper. When he visits yours, does he help?

Bufftailed · 12/04/2026 22:53

Has he ever lived without his mum? It would be red flag for me

Busybeemumm · 12/04/2026 22:53

I think there are other red flags ie he hasn't had a serious relationship. I would be cautious about this unless you are ok living with his mum as well.

StripedTee · 12/04/2026 22:57

Speaking from experience, never again.

Whatexcellentboiledpotatoes · 12/04/2026 22:57

Credittocress · 12/04/2026 22:39

Maybe harsh but if he’s moved back in to look after her I’d run for the hills too. If she needs help or care he’s very very unlikely to then move in with a partner and be able to leave her to it.

Show quote history

He may have moved back in to look after her to the point where he's no longer able and needs professionals to take over

bagpuss90 · 12/04/2026 22:58

I dated a guy years ago who was in the same situation . Trust me - it’s a red flag !

Caiti19 · 12/04/2026 22:59

JHound · 12/04/2026 22:10

Him living with his mom is not necessarily a red flag for me but her doing everything for him IS a massive red flag.

Exactly this.

Tryingtobenormal124 · 12/04/2026 23:02

Sounds fine, just dont let him start moving into you place. Take it slow. Think its just natural for mums to do stuff for kids. Maybe not most but I think i probably would if my son moved back lol. Just relax and enjoy take it slow

Gleanzer · 12/04/2026 23:16

Wasabiforlunch · 12/04/2026 22:47

He moved out briefly years ago , only for a few months then moved back again, his reasoning is money and he can’t afford to buy in his area, he says he doesn’t want to rent and is saving up to move out. Eventually?

He doesn't sound like he has much of an internal locus of control. I am not loving the sound of this. It must be difficult for you though when you know you get on so well etc.

We all change as we grow up, and I'm all for giving a bit of grace for that, but in his 40s he really should have moved on further from being a child. It's nuanced - lots of people end up in marriages where one of you does most of the cooking for example - but you haven't given us any reason to believe he has moved on from expecting his mummy to cook his dinner, wash his clothes and plan the weekly shop.

raisinglittlepeople12 · 12/04/2026 23:18

Unless you want to become his new mummy, I suggest not pursuing a serious relationship. If he were caring for his mother it would be one thing, or if he’d lose everything due to illness or misfortune, but he’s never lived away for a reason.

Credittocress · 12/04/2026 23:20

Tryingtobenormal124 · 12/04/2026 23:02

Sounds fine, just dont let him start moving into you place. Take it slow. Think its just natural for mums to do stuff for kids. Maybe not most but I think i probably would if my son moved back lol. Just relax and enjoy take it slow

Take it slow? He’s never lived with another women. He’s wasted countless women’s time over the years, I wouldn’t be wanting to become another one of them.

Hayxfever · 12/04/2026 23:20

Ive known load of people that lived and some still do live at home, men and women.

Has any on noticed how bloody hard it is to get on the housing list/ property ladder, even renting is sky high.
Id never judge anyone that still lives at home.

My cousin is in his 31 and still lives at home, hes dating and shes not put off one bit.

His sister 42, over the years has moved back home 3 times due to rent increase, and is now been on the waiting list 3 year for housing, she has no kids full time work and still finding it hard.
Her last home was privet but landlady asked her to leave as she was turning it in to a HOMO.

AlohaRose · 12/04/2026 23:46

He's been working for 20+ years and is still saving to move out? Unless he is hoping to buy a mansion in Central London that's nonsense. If he's never moved out, does this mean he's never had a serious relationship with anyone before? If he did, it must have been rather - limiting?