Lovely man but still lives with his mum - red flag or not?

[Wasabiforlunch]

I’ve recently started seeing someone and I’m feeling really conflicted about it.

On paper (and in person!), he’s great. He’s mid 40s, has a solid job in the civil service, and when we’re together it’s genuinely easy - we laugh a lot, he’s kind, generous, and we can talk for hours without any awkwardness or boredom. We’ve got so much in common and I do really enjoy his company.

But…he still lives with his mum. It’s just the two of them, and his parents separated years ago. From what I can tell, she does pretty much everything for him. I don’t want to sound harsh, but it gives me a bit of an “arrested development” or “Peter pan” vibe and I’m finding it a little off-putting.

I can’t work out if I’m overreacting and this is just one of those situations that looks worse from the outside, or if it’s actually a red flag about independence and lifestyle compatibility.

Has anyone been in a similar situation? Did it turn out to be fine, or did it end up being an issue longer term?

I don’t want to write off someone I genuinely get on with, but equally I can’t shake the feeling that this could become a problem.

WWYD?

I would prefer a man renting a room in an HMO to a man living with his parents!

This
Ime, men of a certain age (and women) who have never left home /had a relationship, are a bit unusual.
Don't dismiss but proceed with caution

I also think living at home, without having achieved any particular goals, such as getting on the property ladder, tends to go along with lack of ambition- one reason is people don't need to earn more as they have a reasonably nice house and everything catered for on a much smaller income than if they were living independently. Again, you can see this by chatting to him about his career trajectory.

I think the trend to have inter-generational living is not ok if it discourages career progression or failure to become independent by your forties. I completely get sharing housing costs for a few years on your way to an interesting destination.

He’s had 22 years to save for a deposit. How bad with money do you need be to still not have saved at least enough for a modest deposit with 22 years of rent free living??

Edit: I just realised he’s mid 40s not 40 so he’s had even longer than that to save

This would be fine and understandable if he was 20 something but he's not.

My now DH was living with his parents when I met him at aged 29. But he had moved out between 18 and 26, for uni and then working up north, then moved in with his parents on his return to London to save up to buy. He cooked sometimes, did his own washing, shopping etc, his mum definitely didn't do everything for him. And he has been very easy to live with, more than pulls his weight etc.

I would be concerned to date someone who has never moved out. He is either dependent on his mum, or financially irresponsible if he hasn't saved up enough to buy after 20 plus years of working with low cost of living.

There’s a big difference between his mum doing everything for him because he can’t stop her and she refuses to see him as a grown man, and her doing everything for him because he likes it. Neither are good, but in the former he may be trapped by circumstance and a relationship dynamic he can’t change, and the latter because he genuinely has no desire to live independently. Maybe worth a frank chat.

I wouldn’t completely write him off, but if it ever plan to move in together I’d have some serious chats first about division of labour in the house.
There is something a bit icky about a man in his 40s living with his mum, but if you like him, you like him.

I met my partner when he was 22 and lived with his parents. I could see his mum did everything for him, cooking, tidying, laundry etc. I did think it was icky. However when we moved in together, he quickly proved himself to be amazing around the house. He could be a bit messy sometimes (leaving trainers lying around, leaving a coffee cup by the sink) but nothing major. It really wasn’t long though until he became more house proud. He does 100% of the food shopping, meal planning, cooking and dishwasher loading. He does all the laundry. He’s very tidy.

So there is hope…but then I am mindful my partner was much younger than yours when living at home etc… not sure a man in his 40s can change so rapidly, but who knows!

Yes, Bloodycrossstitch, I plumped for 20 years myself before realising it's likely to be a lot more than that, and it's precisely this that makes me wonder if there's more to it - and probably less palatable stuff which he prefers not to share until OP's more invested

Unless I've missed something it's not very clear if she's actually seen the mum and son together, but I'd certainly want to, if only to suss out the dynamic a bit better

This really brightened my Monday morning 😀

So, what's his sexual history like?
How many previous partners has he had? Where did it take place? Did he take them home?
I think you need to meet mummy before getting into a relationship. Sex needs to take place somewhere other than your home. Weekend away?
If it gets serious and you decide to be together, you need to buy or rent somewhere together. 50% each for all the bills etc. Do not let him move in with you. Do not move in with his mother.
She may be a lovely old lady who would love to see her son find a partner

And me.
Neither would be my first choice but if we're talking about the better option HMO guy it is.

I also don't really care if the man in his 40s does some of the chores, either, he's a 40-something man who's NEVER moved out!! Him being a good dishwasher is the LEAST of the problems!! It really is.

And now I've got the theme tune to Sorry! stuck in my head as an ear worm. Lol.
Language, Timothy!

ick

My DH was in his 30s and had only lived out of the house for a couple of months when he shared with a friend, but then back to his parents.

He actually is better at housework than me, he does his own laundry etc. (will do mine if I want), and there haven't been any issues with that at all.

The only way you're going to know is by living with him for a while.

He appears to be someone who might lack initiative and prefer comfortable life and relying on others over independence. If this might be a problem for you, proceed with caution.

I would throw this one back, OP. Living independently forces people to really grow up and he has never done this. He sounds very enmeshed with his mother and I think he would treat you like a mother substitute. My DH has a cousin like this, got married in his thirties to an older woman who had a career and her own home, while he had been living at home with notions of becoming a film director, paying not a single penny for his keep, while his mother and sister, who both worked full time, served him hand and foot. I think the lady he married just wanted to be married, which is why she puts up with him. My DH actually had to sit down with him before the wedding and explain he needed to get a job and contribute!

I'd be very cautious, and would suggest you think about what evidence you observe about his back story/how he plans to be in the future etc than what he tells you. He sounds a lot like my brother. Brother's 'official story' is that he lived with our parents until his late 30s to as a way to save some money towards a house of his own and also give them some practical help. He briefly lived with a girlfriend (who was a single mum who worked hard and owned her own home) but that was short lived because she expected him to 'do everything and pay for her kids'. He eventually moved out in his 40s when his new GF got pregnant but alas had no savings due to what he paid to his Ex and having to take time off work since then to help our parents through some difficult times.
The reality is that for years he only did casual work to just cover his own day to day expenses and had our parents doing everything for him. His idea of pulling his weight was occasionally cutting the grass/carrying something heavy etc. When he met Ex he had a steady job but when they moved in together he expected to be able to pay her the same as he had paid our parents (next to nothing) as he felt it covered the extra food/electricity. He would clean/wash up/wash his own clothes etc if specifically asked but complained that she gave him tasks to do every day and didn't understand that he was tired after a day at work. She didn't put up with it for long. Current GF also has her own home so he has moved in there. He complains about having to pay for bills etc and that due to the extra expense of having a child/GF working shorter hours he has to work 'just to keep a roof over our heads!'. He has already started talking about all of them moving in with DM (who is now alone and has some care needs). I strongly suspect his plan is for DM to keep paying all the household bills, GF to keep working to pay for their expenses and him to drop back to casual work under the guise of caring for mum (whilst GF will probably be expected to do personal care etc for mum).

I wouldn’t be interested in a man who hadn’t managed to get his financial act together in all that time. I guess he could be sitting on a stash and just thinking he’ll get the house in the end so why bother, but that’s a whole other problematic mindset. Plus has he ever had a proper relationship if he’s never left home? How? I guess there’s an outside chance he is genuinely a decent functioning adult but it all sounds very unattractive to me.

If you cook for him at your house what does he do? Wash up, clear wirk tops, offer to cook for you?

I'm picturing OP and this guy alone on her sofa. He tries to kiss her... She pulls away...

OP : 'It's not you, it's me. I simply cannot stop thinking about that comedy with one of the two Ronnies. Some randoms on the Internet kept mentioning it the other day and it's stuck.'

Guy: 'Barker or Corbett?'

OP: 'Language, Timothy!'

Guy: 'Sorry!'

OP: 'Yeah that's the one.'

For me it’d make a massive difference if he’s always lived with his mum and never lived with a partner or even lived alone or with friends, or if he’s temporarily moved back in with her. The latter I could deal with, the first probably not. Perhaps they just get along really well and want to live together, which is kinda sweet..but you do say she does everything for him - that would be the thing that’d really put me off. Although if I really really liked someone it wouldn’t be enough to be a dealbreaker but I would take things much much slower than I normally would to figure out how much of a man baby he really is before getting emotionally invested

My most charitable thought here is he is unbelievably dull.

Why don't you ask him? Why has he never left home? (normal behaviour) what sort of relationships has he had before now? (fairly normal) but most importantly why does he have his mother doing "everything" for him? (not normal behaviour) Is he incapable of cooking a meal, shopping, hoovering, doing his own laundry? Or is he just spoilt and lazy? Does he not respect women enough to do his share of the chores? How come you haven't discussed any if this with him? Tbh he sounds like a child. 🚩🚩🚩

Exactly my thought! I had such a tragic old fashioned picture of this manbaby in my head - positively prehistoric! Including his job 😱

I asked DH for you and he said you should run.

Don't know if this helps or not!