Lovely man but still lives with his mum - red flag or not?

[Wasabiforlunch]

I’ve recently started seeing someone and I’m feeling really conflicted about it.

On paper (and in person!), he’s great. He’s mid 40s, has a solid job in the civil service, and when we’re together it’s genuinely easy - we laugh a lot, he’s kind, generous, and we can talk for hours without any awkwardness or boredom. We’ve got so much in common and I do really enjoy his company.

But…he still lives with his mum. It’s just the two of them, and his parents separated years ago. From what I can tell, she does pretty much everything for him. I don’t want to sound harsh, but it gives me a bit of an “arrested development” or “Peter pan” vibe and I’m finding it a little off-putting.

I can’t work out if I’m overreacting and this is just one of those situations that looks worse from the outside, or if it’s actually a red flag about independence and lifestyle compatibility.

Has anyone been in a similar situation? Did it turn out to be fine, or did it end up being an issue longer term?

I don’t want to write off someone I genuinely get on with, but equally I can’t shake the feeling that this could become a problem.

WWYD?

Both of my ds's lived at home until early thirties whilst saving a decent deposit. They did their own laundry, cleaned the bathroom they shared on top floor and each cooked for family once a week. They also had to contribute to house chores. Youngest ds did rubbish and recycling and eldest DS put shopping away from big shop and also kept milk topped up so would bring home milk after he finished work. Both expected to clean up kitchen after they used it. Tbh I didn't see a great deal of either of them as both at work all day then either up on top floor or out with gf or friends. Both now have their own homes and cook healthy meals and keep their homes looking nice. I actually think I've done a good job bringing them up to be caring and useful members of society who can look after themselves.

Run a mile. He's being looked after by his mum at 40?
How could you go to bed with someone knowing his mum has washed his pants?

Have him over for the bank holiday weekend, a few days at least, and ask him to treat your house like his own home, not as a guest.

See how he fairs, does he pick up any slack? Puts his washing in when you are putting a load on, makes you a coffee without you asking, wipes up any crumbs, goes and gets milk when it runs out. Or does he just sits there when the sink is full of pots?

If youve not been to his home go asap meet mum and see his bedroom is it an adult bedroom or does he have teddies like thr guy currently has on MAFS

This would be an absolute deal-breaker for me. Surely the fun of having a relationship is being able to let loose and live a bit- in your own home! The thought of having to hang out with his mum, even if she was lovely, is a passion killer. If he has an independent flat within a family home, annex or otherwise lives independently, it might be able to be overlooked, but anything other than independent living would be a no for me- he will not even 'see' dirt, housework, shopping needs in the future and hasn't been trained to be a self-sufficient adult.

The only exception would be if he said 'I know it sounds weird but I'm moving out next week as I want my own life' and followed it through.

Forties, living with mum who does his washing, come on OP!

With respect, I don't think there's such an ick factor with a woman in the circumstances OP describes.
As a woman she would probably share the housework anyway.

I do feel that on some threads you can't just flip the gender easily and it's the same.

My Uncle (Mum's brother) lived with his Mum until she died when he was nearly 50.

Sociable man, out and about down the pub etc. Had a girlfriend whom he eventually married. They holidayed together but when she stayed over it was on a made up bed in the 'front room'.

If it was caring responsibilities that would be one thing, but based on what the op said, it's his mum that does everything for him, bit the other way around. That's the big difference here.

Lol. Given the choice of two Ronnies side roles, I think I'd prefer Fletch in Porridge!!

Ultimately, if he is closed to his mum, they are good friends, then why not. Why love alone, spend much more money when you can share with someone you love?

However, the red flags are with her doing everything for him. That's just plain selfish behaviour. And he even told you? I certainly would never envision to move in with someone with this attitude!

Also, I'd be concerned if he doesn't have a very nice saving pot. Otherwise, where has the money gone?

He'd make a lovely friend Op but a poor DH. He's too used to his DM doing everything at home and she'll be too used to him putting her first, unless you want to end up living with your MIL I'd give this one a miss

Also, if I couldn't freely go to his kitchen to get a glass of water after a night of passion without bumping into his mum it would be a turn off.
What am I saying? There wouldn't be nights of passion, I'd be too conscious of mum in next bedroom!

I honestly think that the women who pick these guys are rescuers.

I had a partner like this and the upshot was he didn’t need anything from me emotionally, so the relationship never progressed.

Ultimately, if he is closed to his mum, they are good friends, then why not. Why love alone, spend much more money when you can share with someone you love?

Because, when you're in your 40s it kind of shows you've got no real life plan or ambition.

That does not explain why she does everything for him though does it?

You seem to be avoiding this part and you shouldn't ignore it.

Staying with a parent to save money is one thing and understandable, your mum doing your laundry and cooking for you in your 40s however indicates an emotional immature personality and a needy dependence on someone else to get through life. He is a grown adult and he cant deal with his own cooking and laundry?- what does that say about him.

Yuck. If you eventually move in with this man, expect him to presume you will end up being mother version 2.

Tbh, in this day and age with house prices and renting so ridiculously high, it’s a very plausible reason for living with his DM.

I wouldn’t write him off yet, but I would keep an eye on it.

Which region does he live in?

My friend was hopeless when she moved in with her now DH, couldn’t even work a washing machine. She’s ultra efficient and amazing now.

Also unless he was amazingly messy I wouldn't care if he did much in the way of chores or not.

I'd rather have a man who was a bit untidy and left home at 18 than a mummy's boy who had never left home but dutifully washed up after The f-king Chase.

The chores are the least of it.

Because, when you're in your 40s it kind of shows you've got no real life plan or ambition
No, it doesn't at all. I had a colleague who lived with his mum. He was the most ambitious person in the team. He decided after a few years he wanted to change career and studied law. He left the company at 45 as he got a job in a law firm.

He still lived with his mum. Because they were very closed. Because his mum had MS and he helped her. Because he didn't see the point of paying rent when he could instead save it.

He married at 50 to another lawyer. They have been married 11 years and are very happy.

Under the circumstances you describe, I would say yes, a red flag. At the very least you would have a monster MIL to deal with, at most a man child to placate.

So he’s never:

1 Rented a property
2 Owned a property
3 Paid bills
4 Lived with a partner
5 Run a home

Hard, hard no from me.

My partner lived at home for a couple of years in his mid 40s, no kids (about a year before I met him). In between he’d owned and renovated 2 flats and lived with a partner for 8 years. He then owned a house he’d renovated himself when I met him. But was still quite embarrassed to say he’d lived at home briefly even though it was to get a flat sold when he’d lost an onward purchase.

I'd be wary but when I first met my husband he'd never left home though hadn't yet turned 30. If he'd not met a partner I could see him still being there.

But he's the hardest working person I've ever met. This weekend he got up at 6am both days to do DIY, did the food shop, cooked some of ours meals. He's a good involved dad, has never baulked at looking after his own children.

He's a fairly simple soul. Easily content. Not someone constantly seeking big adventure but happy in his world. It's possible your boyfriend falls into this category (and that may or may not suit you).

I tend to sort the admin of our lives as it better suits my skill set but he picks up enough slack elsewhere that I'm happy with that.

Is there a job around your house or garden you could get him to help you with? That might tell you a lot about what kind of partner he'd be. Find ways to test the water before getting in too deep but don't write him off before giving him a chance to step up.

No beyond a certain age. In my day this was 25- 30, it's not acceptable.

Better to live with a man who's had to fend for himself after moving out at 16 then one who's never left home in his 40s regardless of what he's 'saving for'.

You, him and mummy will either be a nice little trio or she'll be a bitter enemy.

I think it depends and only you know what this guy is like. My brother moved back in with my parents after a breakup a year or two ago. He does a lot round the house for them although he works ten hours a day monday to friday. I think they enjoy the company and I am quite happy for them to have someone there with them because my mum is very disabled and quite frankly, a bit of a pain in the arse, and so I think it's a nice for my dad to have that buffer and not have to deal with her on his own at 74.

It's very expensive where they live. So although my brother has a long term job and is reasonably well paid it would be very difficult for him to buy on his own.

All that to say, I don't think you should write someone off just because they are living with a parent. There is much more to it

If it turns out this guy is a carer for his mum and has half a million in the bank squirrelled away for a house purchase, then revise your opinion. It doesn't sound like that's what's going on here, but it's worth asking more! I'm very sceptical of anyone who admits their mum does everything though, sounds like very ingrained gender roles at the very least.

When you say ‘recently started seeing’ how far has it gone?
Still dates, or Does he spend the weekend at yours?
If so does he help with meal prep, make a cup of tea?
Does his Mum call him or expect you to be called?
Have you stayed at his? Does she wait in you both like B&B guests?
Does he have the sort of salary where he would need to save for 20 years to get a deposit? If he’s a hospital porter living in London, that’s one thing. A lawyer or high end car salesman in Chesterfield another.