Page 3 | Lovely man but still lives with his mum - red flag or not?

Wasabiforlunch · 2026-04-12T21:05:34+00:00

I’ve recently started seeing someone and I’m feeling really conflicted about it. On paper (and in person!), he’s great. He’s mid 40s, has a solid job in the civil service, and when we’re together it’s genuinely easy - we laugh a lot, he’s kind, generous, and we can talk for hours without any awkwardness or boredom. We’ve got so much in common and I do really enjoy his company. But…he still lives with his mum. It’s just the two of them, and his parents separated years ago. From what I can tell, she does pretty much everything for him. I don’t want to sound harsh, but it gives me a bit of an “arrested development” or “Peter pan” vibe and I’m finding it a little off-putting. I can’t work out if I’m overreacting and this is just one of those situations that looks worse from the outside, or if it’s actually a red flag about independence and lifestyle compatibility. Has anyone been in a similar situation? Did it turn out to be fine, or did it end up being an issue longer term? I don’t want to write off someone I genuinely get on with, but equally I can’t shake the feeling that this could become a problem. WWYD?

IdentityCris · 13/04/2026 00:13

Wasabiforlunch · 12/04/2026 22:47

He moved out briefly years ago , only for a few months then moved back again, his reasoning is money and he can’t afford to buy in his area, he says he doesn’t want to rent and is saving up to move out. Eventually?

So has he been saving for 20-odd years, i.e. since he became an adult? If so, how has he still not got enough to put down a really hefty deposit on a house? What he's saved on rent must surely come to tens of thousands of pounds by now.

Noshadelamp · 13/04/2026 00:14

Wasabiforlunch · 12/04/2026 22:47

He moved out briefly years ago , only for a few months then moved back again, his reasoning is money and he can’t afford to buy in his area, he says he doesn’t want to rent and is saving up to move out. Eventually?

That doesn't explain why his mother does everything for him.
Is definitely be worried about that side of things.

A grown man who lives without responsibility and lets his mother do everything is a worry.

midnights92 · 13/04/2026 00:15

If he hasn't saved enough for a house in 20 years of living with mum, he never will. In most areas, 240 months of rent would be enough to buy a house outright, so either his financial management is woeful or there's other reasons he's not moved on (even if he's not admitted them himself)

Greenfinch7 · 13/04/2026 00:18

JHound · 12/04/2026 22:10

Him living with his mom is not necessarily a red flag for me but her doing everything for him IS a massive red flag.

I very much agree with this. I have no problem with multi generational living- there are plenty of unconventional setups that would seem fine to me. The problem comes with how it is done in this case.

meganorks · 13/04/2026 00:19

If you get on and your having fun, then there's no bother. But if you wanted it to progress i think there will be problems. Also his reasons are BS! He surely could have bought somewhere by now with no rent to pay if hes in his forties!

If you wanted to live together you are basically going to end up cooking and cleaning for him and probably with a MIL that hates you (why TF hasn't she kicked him out before now - I think they are co-dependent). No thank you!

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 13/04/2026 00:22

saving up to move out ? !!! how many years has it been since he returned home to Mummy.

Run.

BookArt55 · 13/04/2026 00:41

Too many questions...

But I'm a 39 year old female, 2 young kids... we live with my mum 😄 🤣 am I a red flag....? Oops!

What jobs does he do in the home?
Has he always lived at home or did he end up back there after a past relationship ended or because his mum needed the support? Just examples...
How does he see his future?
How does he see a successful relationship between a couple who.live together look like- split of jobs etc.

My mum is retired, so during the working week she tends to cook dinner. However I do more cleaning, DIY, gardening, medical stuff for her, and cooking on non-work days, along with lots of other things. So I suppose it's looking to see if he is a man child or not. If he doesn't do anything then yes, red flag. You don't want to be replacement mum.

And to add to my own red flags- I have no plans to move out. My mum was lonely living alone, I'd be lonely if we moved out. Financially we are both better off living together, my kids love having nanny around, and I can support her as she does struggle to look after the house now she is older. If I met someone then things would change.

Scdr · 13/04/2026 00:56

Maybe he just wants to look after this mum, who has given him his life. Life is expensive and maybe he thinks there’s no point living on his own when he can look after his mum and split the bills, or pay less as she has no mortgage. Financially, that’s a smart idea.

He might want to move out when he’s found the one. He might have made this his house, and with his mums blessing, she would want him to have the house with his new partner/wife with her living in it, but not being the main character in it.

It’s so hard to find a good man, it’s so hard to find a man who respects and cares for his mum so much. I would see this as a green flag and chance to have an open and honest conversation about what you and he want for the future.

I wouldn’t say his mum doing everything for him is a red flag too. I have 3 kids. I don’t care how old they are they are still my kids so I will do everything for them. Even if I’m ill, even if I’m struggling, I will do everything for them.
I think if this is uncomfortably for you, talk to him and ask him to talk to his mum about you or him taking these responsibilities so she can rest. I don’t think she is doing it to be controlling or anything but just out of love. So, if she knows someone else is doing it, she will back down. If she doesn’t, maybe that is your first red flag.

I don’t see any red flags here, go for it.

Minime88888888 · 13/04/2026 01:28

Wasabiforlunch · 12/04/2026 22:47

He moved out briefly years ago , only for a few months then moved back again, his reasoning is money and he can’t afford to buy in his area, he says he doesn’t want to rent and is saving up to move out. Eventually?

Well, at least you know that he's tight! Haha!

Take it slow. It could work out very nicely in the end. X

Minime88888888 · 13/04/2026 01:30

Well, at least you know that he's tight! Haha!

Take it slow. It could work out very nicely in the end. X

Moveoverdarlin · 13/04/2026 01:38

Wasabiforlunch · 12/04/2026 22:47

He moved out briefly years ago , only for a few months then moved back again, his reasoning is money and he can’t afford to buy in his area, he says he doesn’t want to rent and is saving up to move out. Eventually?

Mmmm if he’s in his mid-40s, he’s not really of the generation where home ownership is completely out of reach. I’m 45 and bought a house on my own 20 years ago. what the fuck has he been doing all this time???

PyongyangKipperbang · 13/04/2026 01:55

Wasabiforlunch · 12/04/2026 22:47

He moved out briefly years ago , only for a few months then moved back again, his reasoning is money and he can’t afford to buy in his area, he says he doesn’t want to rent and is saving up to move out. Eventually?

I would ask how he is going with his savings and when he thinks he will be able to buy. That will give you a lot of information.

Civil service isnt necessarily well paid but living with his mother would presumably mean he can save a lot. Unless his answer is either "Well I could buy now but am waiting to see if mortgage offers improve" or "I could have bought a couple of years ago but am now waiting to be a cash buyer" and is just a load of excuses....walk away.

frozendaisy · 13/04/2026 02:02

Oh just no

mid-40s - forties!
forties

and mummy still does everything for him
and he lets her

forties

no just no

Friendlygingercat · 13/04/2026 02:06

Im afraid I agree with the majority of the other posters here. It would be different if he had moved back after a relationship break up, illness or similar. To me this indicates failure to launch.

By 16 I was doing all my own laundry, ironing etc and buying my own toiletries which my sister often stole. I was longing to get away from the parental home. I only remained so long because I was studying and could not afford my own place. As soon as I could (age 22) I left home. I never moved back even through times of financial hardship because it would have felt like a retrograde step. Even when I went to stay for a few days I felt awkward.

IndigoBluey · 13/04/2026 02:17

Why does he live with his mum?

Giftpawslab · 13/04/2026 02:19

Run OP. He will expect you to do everything for him if he ever cuts the apron strings

TappyGilmore · 13/04/2026 02:20

Definite red flag. Don’t ask me how I know.

Saving to move out? In his mid 40s? Is he saving until he can buy a house mortgage-free? At that age he’s probably just about reached the peak of his earning power.

Birch101 · 13/04/2026 02:22

I just wanted to say my step father lived with his mother and sister when my mother met him, his mother was disabled (missing limb) and his sister worked but was also main carer, neither sister nor brother had lived away from family home, my step father had worked since he was 16 in what would be called a blue collar job, long shifts was the main financial provider for their modest home in commuter belt.

He knew the definition of family, when he moved in with us he was the male role model I never had, he stepped up and was a true partner for my mother, grocery shopping, laundry, long uni runs for me and sibling, and so much more.

On the face of it he could have easily been written off by potential partners. I am so lucky he became a part of my life...

keepswimming38 · 13/04/2026 02:23

My friend met a guy like this and they had a baby. He’s now living with her as a family and is brilliant. It doesn’t always follow that he’s going to be a cocklodger. It just made sense at the time for him to live with his ageing parents.

Sugarnspicenallthingsnaice · 13/04/2026 02:31

Scdr · 13/04/2026 00:56

Maybe he just wants to look after this mum, who has given him his life. Life is expensive and maybe he thinks there’s no point living on his own when he can look after his mum and split the bills, or pay less as she has no mortgage. Financially, that’s a smart idea.

He might want to move out when he’s found the one. He might have made this his house, and with his mums blessing, she would want him to have the house with his new partner/wife with her living in it, but not being the main character in it.

It’s so hard to find a good man, it’s so hard to find a man who respects and cares for his mum so much. I would see this as a green flag and chance to have an open and honest conversation about what you and he want for the future.

I wouldn’t say his mum doing everything for him is a red flag too. I have 3 kids. I don’t care how old they are they are still my kids so I will do everything for them. Even if I’m ill, even if I’m struggling, I will do everything for them.
I think if this is uncomfortably for you, talk to him and ask him to talk to his mum about you or him taking these responsibilities so she can rest. I don’t think she is doing it to be controlling or anything but just out of love. So, if she knows someone else is doing it, she will back down. If she doesn’t, maybe that is your first red flag.

I don’t see any red flags here, go for it.

If your 3 children are in their 40s and beyond (so you're 60+) and they would stand aside and let you do everything for them, even when you're ill, you haven't raised them right. Only lazy, selfish arseholes treat their mum like that.

22ztr · 13/04/2026 02:32

Yes and I ended up as mummy. Your guy fine for fun but he is not Boyfriend or husband material

Sentientbean · 13/04/2026 02:35

My uncle lived with his mum (my grandma) well into his 40s. He didn’t have any relationships that we knew about. My gm cooked, cleaned, everything, for him, just as she did when all the children lived at home. There was no way she was going to change who she was and the situation suited both of them. He meanwhile worked full time and had a successful career. My gm died and then one day my uncle met a woman in a bar. Sometime later, they quietly got married. They’re still together now, 20 odd years later, still married and still happy. My uncle is a practical person and he takes care of the house, cooking/cleaning, no issues there at all. Sometimes these arrangements just make sense from a practical standpoint. I would keep an open mind.

Reallyneedsaholiday · 13/04/2026 02:50

What does “she does everything for him” mean?
She keeps the shared living areas clean? Does the gardening? Cooks the evening meal? Does his laundry? Tidies his bedroom and makes his bed? Does she work? Does he? Does he contribute to the household? Is he on the mortgage?
The small print makes a big difference.

PyongyangKipperbang · 13/04/2026 03:02

Scdr · 13/04/2026 00:56

Maybe he just wants to look after this mum, who has given him his life. Life is expensive and maybe he thinks there’s no point living on his own when he can look after his mum and split the bills, or pay less as she has no mortgage. Financially, that’s a smart idea.

He might want to move out when he’s found the one. He might have made this his house, and with his mums blessing, she would want him to have the house with his new partner/wife with her living in it, but not being the main character in it.

It’s so hard to find a good man, it’s so hard to find a man who respects and cares for his mum so much. I would see this as a green flag and chance to have an open and honest conversation about what you and he want for the future.

I wouldn’t say his mum doing everything for him is a red flag too. I have 3 kids. I don’t care how old they are they are still my kids so I will do everything for them. Even if I’m ill, even if I’m struggling, I will do everything for them.
I think if this is uncomfortably for you, talk to him and ask him to talk to his mum about you or him taking these responsibilities so she can rest. I don’t think she is doing it to be controlling or anything but just out of love. So, if she knows someone else is doing it, she will back down. If she doesn’t, maybe that is your first red flag.

I don’t see any red flags here, go for it.

Sorry to say but if you bring your kids up to always expect you to do anything for them then you are doing parenting really wrong.

The whole point of being a parent is to prepare them for adult life and then kick them out of the nest, so they sink or swim on their own effort (or lack thereof).

I am guessing from your tone that your kids are very young and your desperate need to nuture them is perfectly natural when they are that age. In fact, biology designed us to feel like that in order to keep them alive so they produce the next generation! Give it ten years and you will hopefully feel differently, and you should! Birds have this one right!

FancyNewt · 13/04/2026 03:32

I wouldn't write him off , but i'd proceed with caution.