Lovely man but still lives with his mum - red flag or not?

[Wasabiforlunch]

I’ve recently started seeing someone and I’m feeling really conflicted about it.

On paper (and in person!), he’s great. He’s mid 40s, has a solid job in the civil service, and when we’re together it’s genuinely easy - we laugh a lot, he’s kind, generous, and we can talk for hours without any awkwardness or boredom. We’ve got so much in common and I do really enjoy his company.

But…he still lives with his mum. It’s just the two of them, and his parents separated years ago. From what I can tell, she does pretty much everything for him. I don’t want to sound harsh, but it gives me a bit of an “arrested development” or “Peter pan” vibe and I’m finding it a little off-putting.

I can’t work out if I’m overreacting and this is just one of those situations that looks worse from the outside, or if it’s actually a red flag about independence and lifestyle compatibility.

Has anyone been in a similar situation? Did it turn out to be fine, or did it end up being an issue longer term?

I don’t want to write off someone I genuinely get on with, but equally I can’t shake the feeling that this could become a problem.

WWYD?

Does he have siblings?

You know why he’s so nice? Because he doesn’t have to deal with the stress of real life.

Is your bar so low that you would happily accept a man with zero ambition or life skills?

A red flag is a warning not a certainty and you’d be mad not to think this is a risk - what’s the underlying cause of him still living a home - the real fear is like a child - how adaptable is he? How independent could he be? How tight is he with money? Is he capable of behaving like a grownup? Questions to consider but not certainties - you need to test the waters ask the questions and be honest with yourself- do not make excuses for him.

Snap!! @Bobloblawww that's what I came on to say. I would be far less stressed if I simply had to work and then go home to a cooked meal and clean house. The real test of a relationship is the tough times and he is not learning the skills required to deal with those.

Also who takes 20 years to save a deposit? He should have enough in savings well and truly by now. Which makes me wonder if he is crap with money or telling porkie pies? It's one of the two.

If you are looking for a long term relationship I would move on

I would say trust your gut. It IS off putting. Sorry.

It’s not as uncommon these days in all honesty. Does depend on area too, down South, not surprising given so expensive, in the north where property is cheap, i’d wonder why he didn’t move out. However, maybe they just like each other’s company. I wouldn’t automatically rule him out, he’s got a good solid job, and probably a lot of savings (you’d hope so anyway). But be cautious.

I think you just put the ball very firmly in his court if you’re getting to discussions about progressing the relationship with ‘I’m not going to live with someone who hasn’t solidly demonstrated they can shop, cook, clean, do their own laundry, and that they don’t ‘not see mess or things that need doing’. None of that is a load I’m willing to risk carrying for another adult.’

Oh lord. Absolutely not for me that.

This is absolutely my experience. Once he moves back in for caring duties, he can't (or won't) leave. And in my case I had two years of hell with always being the one with the house which meant I never got a weekend away or change of scene, or being expected to visit or stay over (rarely) with his mum's permission. Grim. And even then it was an uncomfortable threesome, and me having to tone myself down so as not to disturb mummy. We could never spend large chunks of time together, e.g., Christmas had to be all about his mum (it might be her last one...). It was an exercise in coming last. Every time. Never, ever again.

Unless there is more to the story I would be cautious.

I have a friend who lives with his mum due to her health. He works full time and is a lovely guy but is carer for him mum so lives with her. Only way he can balance that with a full time job. She needs him and when he married they swapped so that mum lived in the annex he and his wife live in the main house. That situation I would worry less about than just failing to move out.

The problem you face is that he probably doesn't have a clue how much work it is to look after a house / be an adult.

At best if he moves in with you it will be a rocky patch as he has to learn. It is possible he will expect looking after though as that is what he has always experienced.

The living with mum might be ok, but not having everything done for him. What explanation does he give for his situation?

Man in his 40s who hasn't bought a house. Nope not a chance I'd bother.

I mean, you’re not being unreasonable to feel how you feel, but it’s hard to judge the situation without knowing more details.

What’s the reason he lives with his mum? Did he previously live on his own and move back temporarily due to circumstances, such as to care for her or while he’s selling his place? Or has he just never moved out and plans to stay there for the foreseeable?

These are quite different situations. The first wouldn’t put me off (as long as it was a temporary thing), the second would definitely give me the ick.

I’m torn. On the one hand huge red flag, on the other hand he may be caring for his mum and she may not want him to move out. Property in London and SE is very expensive and civil servants aren’t paid much.

If you like him I’d keep seeing him but keep monitoring this. He could well move out.

Sorry, I posted before I read this. This does change things slightly, but he also seems to be a bit too relaxed about the situation and doesn’t seem to have much of a plan to move out, so that would concern me.

I think the fact that he’s only lived on his own for a few months and his mum does everything for him is massively off-putting. If you ever lived together, you’d like have a man-child on your hands.

Of course it's a red flag.
We're not talking about a man who's moved back in, we're talking about one that's never been out.

Times moved on but 30 years ago this would be the equivalent of a man in his 30s.

Are you confident and capable? You could be in replacement mummy territory.

Whatever, I like my men to be the type to get out there as soon as possible else they don't develop confidence and, pardon the expression, I have to be the 'man' in the relationship most of the time.

He may have a certain charm but that would soon wear thin.

My example:-

family friends lived in a huge house, grandmothers in 2 different flats on bottom floor rest of family on top floor including adult male son. He had jobs but one day was attacked by youths locally and didn’t return to work. He became almost a recluse. Then the grandmothers died, his mum moved away into a new bought house, but gave him money to buy a flat further out, presumably early inheritance. He now works as a gardener and has had a relationship for several years but prefers his independence. In early 50s.

Unless she has care needs, I'd say major red flag and youll end up being the OW in this set up. He hasn't left his mother, he's not going to leave his mother.

Going against the grain here. My late husband lived at home with his parents until the age of 31, when we got married. He could cook, had tidy habits and pitched in with all aspects of housework because that was what his parents expected of him in return for living at home at a reduced rent. There was never a problem with division of labour and he was a fully functioning, independent and mature individual with no mummy issues.

OP I’d say proceed with caution but don’t judge him entirely on the fact the he lives at home with his parents. It depends entirely on the circumstances, and how he was brought up. It doesn’t automatically mean he’s needy or looking for a mother figure.

I would be running for the hills.

My brother is 43 and stills lives at home. Mum does everything for him and he has absolutely no concept of will to look after the house. He also has no real concept of finances since he pays very little compared to what it takes to run the house.

Now that mum is in her late 70’s and not as able as she used to be, the house is looking a bit unkempt. I am going around and cleaning for her while that lazy sod sits on the sofa and does nothing. I bite my tongue because it is a problem that they have both created and I love my mum dearly but I have no respect for him. He just wouldn’t think to pick up the hoover and push it around and mum has to ask him to do everything to which he normally gives an excuse.

The problem for me is not the living with parent part but the fact that he is happy for someone else to clean up after him.

I think it’s easy to be a kind / nice, generous person etc if all of your needs, stress and life admin are being handled by your mother. Let’s see how much time and attention he is able to give you if faced with say, having to renovate a flat at the same time as working full time, and finding time to food shop, cook and clean. How a man handles stress and responsibility is important to know before going further with them.

Yep.
I've known the MIL and DIL become bitter rivals as if they're fighting over a boyfriend. Or acquiesces to the MIL all the time.

I do know a man like this but he was a 30-something which 30 years ago was very old to be at home.

(I still think it is personally but saving for a mortgage might make it not so bad I suppose.)

Mummy had had enough, probably because she'd found a new man, and wanted him out so the woman who had been fwb and had her own place got promoted to girlfriend.

Living with his mum isn’t really a problem (I don’t think) as multi generational living is a thing. However his mum doing everything for him, is an issue. Does he even know how to live independently? Or would he expect similar if you were to live together?

How many red flags do you want?? Lives with mummy she wipes his bottom and does everything for him

So he only lived alone for a couple of months- moved back because of money. And he's 40 and has his mum doing his laundry and cooking. Very offputting. What's his plan? He must have saved up to be able to buy somewhere at this point?