Lovely man but still lives with his mum - red flag or not?

[Wasabiforlunch]

I’ve recently started seeing someone and I’m feeling really conflicted about it.

On paper (and in person!), he’s great. He’s mid 40s, has a solid job in the civil service, and when we’re together it’s genuinely easy - we laugh a lot, he’s kind, generous, and we can talk for hours without any awkwardness or boredom. We’ve got so much in common and I do really enjoy his company.

But…he still lives with his mum. It’s just the two of them, and his parents separated years ago. From what I can tell, she does pretty much everything for him. I don’t want to sound harsh, but it gives me a bit of an “arrested development” or “Peter pan” vibe and I’m finding it a little off-putting.

I can’t work out if I’m overreacting and this is just one of those situations that looks worse from the outside, or if it’s actually a red flag about independence and lifestyle compatibility.

Has anyone been in a similar situation? Did it turn out to be fine, or did it end up being an issue longer term?

I don’t want to write off someone I genuinely get on with, but equally I can’t shake the feeling that this could become a problem.

WWYD?

I wouldn’t say run for the hills, but proceed with caution. Lovely friend of mine ended up living with his mum till she passed in his early 40s, she was older, it had startled off her doing everything and then she needed support, he’d lived away for a year elsewhere. He then got together with his now long term partner and it’s great. It was just circumstances really with his mum.

What’s your situation? Are you ‘in a hurry’? If not, and you like him then I’d see how it goes. If you have a timeline for kids, for example, then I’d say it’s a high risk move to invest a lot of time in this guy. It might be fine but it could very easily be a disaster. My brother lived with my mum for periods but in between times he travelled a lot (as in for years at a time). When he lived at home they shared domestic duties. I would be concerned about him allowing his mum to do everything for him. Does he do anything for her?

I've known a number of men who worked in the civil service and lived with their parents...each and every one of them stayed till their parents died and they just stayed living in the house. It would be an absolute ick for me.

Unless it's a moving back in temporarily situation, I also can't see a man who's lived with mum all his life as having a normal sex drive, it's likely to be low.

Surely most young men can't wait to have their own place to have girls round without it being awkward and would sacrifice home comforts for it?

So unless you are OK with a man with a low sex drive, which you might be and I place no judgement on that if you are, I really wouldn't bother.

What’s your situation? Dependents?

Bitty? 😉

Not necessarily a red flag, he seems a well rounded chap.....

"Kids" 😂😭😂😭

Thing is civil service covers everything from a relatively lowly admin assistant to Sir Humphrey Appleby.

I can see the former living at home in their forties as it's a safe job but most definitely not the latter!!

He's autistic. The MN neurodivergence police will get their knickers in a massive twist about this but I am willing to bet everything that he is autistic, possibly ADHD. He is high functioning enough to hold down a job and take care of his hygiene and appearance but struggles massively with executive function and life admin. His mum is absolutely aware of this and that's why it came to this arrangement.

The phrase "arrested development" is a bit unfair as it suggests some sort of trauma or abnormal MH issue. When in reality, many ND men live at home because they're physically incapable of taking care of all their own needs. This is extremely common, although the majority of high-masking autistic men manage to shift this work onto their wives so it seems less weird from a social standpoint. MN is full of threads from women who literally do everything for their incapable ND partners.

Take it slowly and you'll find out. After a while, suggest a couple of weeks holiday, will he balk at the idea of leaving his mum for that long? Be poorly and ask him to come to yours to look after you, can he cook you a decent meal, can he turn on the dishwasher/washing machine.

Basically, I think you'll have to test him out before you get too deep in. Good luck OP x

I would have said "fine if he runs the house equally" but you said "she does everything for him" which would be a massive red flag. If he cared for her and cooked etc for her, then great, but sounds like it's the opposite.

Make sure you're 100% correct on "she does everything for him" and then proceed.

As most other posters have said "she does everything for him" is the red flag, not him still living with his mum (which there could be any number of reasons for - some will be red flags and some will not be).

Yes, my neighbour is in his 50s and has lived with his Mum the past decade we've lived at our house. I think her health has deteriorated in the past year and he has stopped work to 'care' for her, but it still sounds like she does everything for him. She's out in the garden hanging out his washing most days and told me he expects her to pay him to mow the lawn and cut the hedges etc and even then he makes excuses not to.

She's had a few rants at me about his behaviour over the years and I'm torn between knowing he's a selfish dick, but part of me also thinks stop doing all this stuff for him or he'll never have to change. There's no way would I let my Mum still do these things for me as an adult, I'd be too embarrassed.

That's the real red flag.

Can't save up a deposit over twenty five years. Why not?

Too spendy? Too tight and thinks someone else should pay for him to live? Too easy to let an old woman run round after him and wash his pants?

Personally I would find it extremely unattractive. What I see is someone not house trained, someone who has no ambition to forge their own life, who will forever be on call for their mum at the expanse of whatever your needs are.

If he's never, ever moved out then it IS very much a red flag in itself no matter how many dishes he washes or number of times he runs the hoover around.

This is my ex! Trust me, it’s a huge red flag! A big man-baby who’s never grown up, expects mummy to do everything for him, and has never progressed into full adulthood. Even when he finally moved out (circumstances forced him to- he’d still be there now if it was up to him) he hasn’t reached proper adulthood. He also struggles with adult relationships.

They don’t get better. Mine still has mummy round to do his chores, and takes his washing home to mummy every week 🙄 He also spends as little time as possible in his own house, returning to mummy for multiple nights and the weekend each week, and spending all his time off work there.

It would be a no from me. Mostly because his mum ‘does everything’. Why is he not embarrassed to have a (presumably at least late 60’s) woman labouring on his behalf? Has he no shame?
Secondly if he is saving for his own place for around 20 years and still hasn’t got a
deposit for the smallest one bed flat, he is either a liar or financially incompetent.
I’d tell him I really liked him but if he wanted to see if we could develop into something, to get back in touch with me when he has his own place and is managing his own life independently. I’d tell him I'm too old to be having sleepovers at his mums place and want a grown up relationship.

what is he like when/if he stays over at yours?

does he help? is he just sitting on the couch waiting for you to provide food/drinks? does he help out with dishes after dinner?

also, why not ask him casually about his current situation and how did he cope when he was living on his own? imagine he says he still took his clothes round to his mum’s to be washed /ironed, the definitely run away.

other than her doing everything for him,
the fact that he lives with his mum and is saving wouldn’t bother me at all, but i’m Spanish, living at home until you get married is very normal there.

I would be wary.

Maybe if you can go away for a short break you will find out more about him.

It’s all very Alan Bennett Talking Heads

Yeah he’s looking for a woman who can replace his mum and move in with her and pay minimally.

I’d be out, sorry op. He’s also lying through his teeth, he’s in his 40s and still not saved enough to move out. Yeah.

If he’d moved out and back in due to cost or circumstance (not just for uni, but as an adult) not red flag necessarily. But if he’s never left, HUGE red flag. I would avoid.

Ick!