To marry a man more than twice my age

[sarahsdilemma]

I’m a lawyer, well-educated, and I’ve worked very hard to get where I am but deeply unhappy in my job. I find it stressful, all-consuming and, if I’m honest, quite miserable. The long hours, weekend work and constant pressure are really getting to me, and even looking ahead, I can see that while the pay improves, it still comes at a big personal cost. People ahead of me are doing well, but they’re still working incredibly hard and the mums often either go part time (so a pay cut) or miss weekends and bedtimes with their kids.

I’ve been in a relationship for about a year with a man more than twice my age. He owns a (highly successful) business, has been married before and has children. I appreciate how this sounds, but he treats me very well and I feel happy and supported with him. He helps me financially, I have a card linked to his account rather than a formal allowance, and more recently he’s been talking about a future together, including marriage.

He’s seen how unhappy I am in my job and has gently suggested that I don’t have to continue if it’s making me this miserable. I’ve been very cautious about that, as I don’t want to make myself vulnerable or dependent on someone else. To address that, he’s offered to buy a property in London in my name as an engagement present, which I could rent out and keep the income from, regardless of what happens between us.

I do want children, probably more than I want a career, and I can’t help but think about what kind of life I actually want long-term. My mum, who I love and respect, thinks this is a terrible idea and keeps saying I should find someone my own age. Her main concern seems to be the age gap and questioning his motives, but she isn’t really giving me much practical reasoning beyond that, which is making it harder for me to weigh things up properly.

I also look at her life and how hard she’s worked balancing a job with most of the childcare and housework, and I’m not sure that’s the path I want for myself. With my partner, realistically, there would be more support in day-to-day life / paid help.

I know relationships can go wrong, and I’m not naive about that. But I do genuinely care about him and feel happy with him as a person. I’m trying to think about this sensibly and not rush into anything, but I also don’t want to dismiss something that could give me a very different (and potentially happier) life.

So… AIBU to even be considering this? I’d really appreciate honest but kind perspectives.

Listen to your mother. She sees what is coming down the road in the not too distant future. The balance is going to tilt badly against you. It is a bad bad idea.

Your youth, freedom and independence is what he is getting from this relationship. It is vaguely predatory and vampiric. Unless he is Mick Jagger who can pay for his own care and bankroll you and your dcs for life, you have a lot to lose.

Seems likely that if the existing kids are primary age and still need a nanny, that he is 60s, ex wife is 40ish, and he has ditched her for OP who is 25ish?

OP, go for it but expect to be given the boot when you are 40 yourself and no longer suitable arm candy.

As @Random321 says "Is a man who fully outsourced his kids to a nanny the type of father you want for yours?

No issue with a nanny but she's even on days out when they are in his custody? That would be a major turn off for most women.

If he wasn't been involved in raising his kids when he was younger, he wouldn't start now".

Are you always there when he has his kids?. Do you know if he ever parents them actively? As another PP asked, will he be resentful of losing your companionship for pleasant chats over an aperitif, because you want to put your own children to bed.

Your dcs are also likely to lose their dad at a pretty young age if you have kids with him.

If you really want to get stuck into family life, better to marry someone who shared that goal I would have thought?

The other good point raised already is - as well as asking yourself"if he didn't havethe money would I want this", ask yourself "if I had a job I enjoyed, with saner hours, would I be looking so longingly at the life he wants to buy for me?"

This is more than a lot of us have, so go for it and good luck xx

What is making you doubt the idea? You love him, he loves you, you’ll be financially comfortable. You’ll have options over whether you work or not. Is it the age gap? My boyfriend is 17 years older, not quite as big I grant you but still hefty. Sadly he’s not rich 😂 but I’d marry him regardless because I’d have a happy life with him.

Do you think the offer of buying you a flat was a way to convince you about the relationship? Does he think that his generosity can entice you into marriage? I would be very careful about the power dynamic for the long term.

Worse case scenario is that he could become very controlling using his money to trap you.

If she's, say, 26 and he's 54, that's a 28-year difference. When he's 80 she'll be 52, not 40. He's twice her age now, but not as they age.

Wanting children is the biggest issue.
Does he want more?
Also, you say that when he has his children (which I bet isn’t 50-50!) , he has a nanny to do much of the parenting. Is that what you want to do when you have kids? Because if that’s how he does it with his first lot, he’ll presumably want to do it with his second lot. That definitely wouldn’t appeal to me.

I suppose you’ll be protected if you get married unless he wants you to sign a prenup?

I wouldn’t give up my career though.

Hi OP.

There is a lot in your post that probably needs to be addressed (i.e., are you interested in this man for love or his ability to allow you to escape from a job you don’t enjoy?) but I’m going to focus on the age gap because I feel best placed to address this as a child of an age gap couple.

There are ten years between my parents who recently got divorced after 35 years! An age gap isn’t so obvious when you’re in your earlier years but it’s massive later in life - my dad slowed down significantly and my mum felt it was holding her back. My dad worked a physical job so he definitely presents as older and much more tired than his age - never wanted to go out, going to bed early, etc. I’m sure this doesn’t happen to everyone but nobody thinks about what their relationship might look like in years to come.

As someone who had an older dad, it’s also really difficult when every other kid in the playground thinks that your dad is your granddad and your dad isn’t able to keep up with playing and engaging with you as a younger parent might be able to - my dad was in his early 40s when I was born.

As a child of an age gap couple, I was absolutely certain that when I found my own partner they would be the same age as me - it was a non-negotiable for me. Don’t do it to yourself.

My first thought was it sounds like he is buying you. If you are unhappy in your job and you were not with him what would you do? Retrain? Travel? Move? I think you really need to consider what you want and how you want life to be. I noticed you didn’t mention love at all in your op it all sounded very practical. I have a family member with similar age gap, they did have children and she became his carer. Once her children were late teens so no real time for herself.

I would marry him in a heartbeat, as long as you love him. Money doesn't buy happiness, but it gives so many choices, and a lack of money can certainly bring sadness.

Yes, I do love him. I genuinely adore him and I have a better time with him than anyone else.

And how much of that is related to money?

Having a nanny with you routinely on days out is very odd.

Why is he supporting you financially, if you are doing well?

How can you be on a lawyers salary and still need to use his money?!

OP this is worrying because you cannot be so obsessed with money that you’re willing to push your own boundaries.

There are multiple separate issues here.

Firstly, you don’t like your job - so change careers.
Perhaps look into teaching law or something instead.
Once you have changed careers then you may not be so desperate to find an escape from it.

Once you are settled into your new career, then you can consider what long term life would be like with a much older man.

By the time you settle in your new career a few more months would have past and you will know much more about him and whether you are compatible.

Dating someone is very different to marrying and starting a family with someone.

At the moment your relationship seems very materialistic and although money helps, you cannot build a decent foundation on it.

You need to ensure that you share the same morals, life goals, parenting style etc.

If you're both content then, as long as you take appropriate precautions if you give your income up, I think it's fine to go ahead. I think you need to think how you'd feel about your kids losing their dad young if you decide to have kids with him. And how you'd manage if he passed away - because realistically you'd be talking about you being on your own for your retirement so if he'll want his first kids to inherit that will have to be carefully planned out as you won't be able to rely on his pension.

Personally, I would never marry a man more than a few years older than me. I've always felt that way and I'm still glad my DH and I are very similar in age. You can find a very wealthy man close to your own age, if that's what you want, so don't let that be a factor in your decision making.

It seems a bit sugar baby sex work set up I wouldn’t be happy if my dad did this! But she wants security before she leaves the job she dislikes and he can afford it so they’re all adults

If you are having to ask the question, deep down you know it's a bad idea. Especially as there's the financial element very much in the mix.

You will regret it at some point if this is even in the back of your mind now.

Unless you're 40 and he's 90 and on his way out... nah.

I think the age difference would become a huge issue as you both grow older

And he may not want more children

Lifestyle is tempting but I'd be v wary

It seems that you’re only contemplating marriage because you’re unhappy in your job. Find a job you do enjoy and settle into that before you think about marriage

Are you living with him already in this luxurious central London flat?

You mentioned the credit card in your first post, and love in your fourth or fifth.

I don't think you love him. Sorry but I don't. This would be a key fact to emphasise in the OP as it's so relevant. And even if you do think you love him, I don't think you love him unconditionally. If he lost everything, he'd still be twice your age but poor. I don't believe for a minute that would be attractive to you as a future.

So I think you need to focus on a way to make your career work for you and take it from there.

If you want children, you need to discuss this seriously with him, because he's may not be particularly interested in having more children. He absolutely needs to be in agreement with you on this.

You also need to be aware that his children could live with you and be prepared to be a step-parent. This happened to a friend of mine, they had his troubled teenage son living with them full-time while she had a toddler and a baby. She's been a great step-Mum, but it was alot for her to deal with when her SS was coming home drunk and failing at school. With their support, he turned things around, but she did alot of the work tbh (emotional support, etc.)

My gut is telling me that you're burnt out and feeling that this man will be an escape route from your stressful career, but is that a good reason to marry him? Are you deeply in love with him? Successful LTR's need a deep bond between partners and a willingness to work together through the life's inevitable ups and downs.