To marry a man more than twice my age

[sarahsdilemma]

I’m a lawyer, well-educated, and I’ve worked very hard to get where I am but deeply unhappy in my job. I find it stressful, all-consuming and, if I’m honest, quite miserable. The long hours, weekend work and constant pressure are really getting to me, and even looking ahead, I can see that while the pay improves, it still comes at a big personal cost. People ahead of me are doing well, but they’re still working incredibly hard and the mums often either go part time (so a pay cut) or miss weekends and bedtimes with their kids.

I’ve been in a relationship for about a year with a man more than twice my age. He owns a (highly successful) business, has been married before and has children. I appreciate how this sounds, but he treats me very well and I feel happy and supported with him. He helps me financially, I have a card linked to his account rather than a formal allowance, and more recently he’s been talking about a future together, including marriage.

He’s seen how unhappy I am in my job and has gently suggested that I don’t have to continue if it’s making me this miserable. I’ve been very cautious about that, as I don’t want to make myself vulnerable or dependent on someone else. To address that, he’s offered to buy a property in London in my name as an engagement present, which I could rent out and keep the income from, regardless of what happens between us.

I do want children, probably more than I want a career, and I can’t help but think about what kind of life I actually want long-term. My mum, who I love and respect, thinks this is a terrible idea and keeps saying I should find someone my own age. Her main concern seems to be the age gap and questioning his motives, but she isn’t really giving me much practical reasoning beyond that, which is making it harder for me to weigh things up properly.

I also look at her life and how hard she’s worked balancing a job with most of the childcare and housework, and I’m not sure that’s the path I want for myself. With my partner, realistically, there would be more support in day-to-day life / paid help.

I know relationships can go wrong, and I’m not naive about that. But I do genuinely care about him and feel happy with him as a person. I’m trying to think about this sensibly and not rush into anything, but I also don’t want to dismiss something that could give me a very different (and potentially happier) life.

So… AIBU to even be considering this? I’d really appreciate honest but kind perspectives.

@sarahsdilemma I have to say I agree with this. But then I don’t think I ever found ‘the one’ or ever will and plenty of my friends are in rubbish relationships with not much money. You can always find someone else potentially down the line.

If you love this man and believe he will provide financial security for you and your kids, why not change careers to something you love (even if it’s law related) and accept the financial hit if your life will be as comfortable as you say? Or go part time, again knowing you have financial support and can have everything you want without compromising?

How old are his kids?

I may be overly cynical, but do you really know his actual financial circumstances? A lot of your plans seem to revolve around the financial security he says he will provide. But things can go wrong. Have you reviewed all this with your solicitor hat on? Taxes, full disclosure of his assets and liabilities, inheritance law... ? You might have been out of the workforce for a period of time before he dies, and you need to make sure you will be quite safe if that happens. Please be very careful.

We’ll he is really caring for his children isn’t he 🤣
Nanny for a couple of days rest of time the mum.
Cash only gives you so much. Kids need time and energy and unfortunately you can’t always buy your way out of that. Sounds a pretty shit dad to me. What kid doesn’t want to go on holiday 😂

Ypu are going to totally screw your life up if you settle for this man.

Renting a house - complete pain dealing with tenants.

This guy is way too intense (regards serious life decisions wills etc) and you haven’t even starting enjoying life and talking about kids.

Where is all his savings? As it will be stashed in a billion different bank accounts and you will have no idea where all the money is hiding.

Go and enjoy yourself with a mr fun rather than a mr serious 🤣

Surely I'm not the only one who now doesnt have a care for their age gap? This OP seems massively naive if she thinks this older man is going to be a decent father to any future kids. He sees his own on weekends and holidays and facilitates a Nanny to look after them for him. He will not be any kind of present parent to any future children with the OP look at how he spends his time with his existing kids. This older boyfriend seems to have more interest in enticing a younger woman with his money

I’d be cautious. You don’t say how old you are, so not sure how many years this age gap entails. But when I was younger I had a few relationships with men much older than me, which seemed like a great idea at the time. But then I got into my mid-late thirties, and I was with a guy in his late 50s, we were together a few years, and all of a sudden all I could see was the OLD. And I got the major ick and just couldn’t see him in a sexual way or bear him touching me, whereas I’d really fancied him before. It also dawned on me that I would quite easily become his carer in the not too distant future, and that was it, I was out.

I think if you’re looking for a life partner, a man who is realistically very likely to die long before you, and if you have kids leave them fatherless at a relatively young age maybe isn’t the most sensible option.

You wouldn’t be the first woman marrying for money and you won’t be the last, and in one sense there’s far dafter things you could do, but I guess you have some serious doubts in your mind, otherwise you wouldn’t be questioning the situation on here. Be honest with yourself, that’s all you can do.

@sarahsdilemma if he lost ALL his money tomorrow, would you marry him?

It absolutely is. The aging population living decades after retirement is exactly why the NHS is short of money. At one time we were expected to live seven years after retirement. Now people are living for 20-30 years. It’s unsustainable in terms of state pension and cost to the NHS. My own parents have had hundreds of thousands worth of treatment. They certainly did not contribute that much. Net takers. Which most of us will be.

An aging population contributes to higher healthcare bills as does the rise in obesity, cancer, cardiovascular disease, COPD, diabetes and mental health in all ages.

However the reason the NHS is under strain when state healthcare in comparable economies such as France and Germany are not so much is because the NHS has been consistently underfunded, and other countries pay higher taxes to cover their national health system.

Germany has massive waiting lists for specialists funded by their health insurance, same as we do, with some Drs only seeing those paying for private like most of our dentists. They are ageing too.

You really don't understand the issue! The reason both Labour and the Tories have not been able to fund the NHS properly is largely because of people living longer and significant advances in medicine (drugs, technology, treatment programmes) which costs money.

A simple example - Jemima finds a lump. Today she gets a whole raft of blood tests and scans then chemo, radio, immuno, surgery etc etc. All of that costs money (wages, infrastructure, drugs, scanners etc). Her chance of survival is high. When the NHS was created the majority of those therapies didn't exist or were nowhere near as advanced as they are now. So there was much, much less cost in term of treatment and Jemima would probably have died. As Jemima is dead, she will not live into old age, will not be paid a pension and will never need the time and money of NHS services in the future.

They’re not massive compared to the U.K. The average wait to see a specialist in Germany is around 40 days, in the U.K. it’s 126 days (18 weeks) with some waiting more than a year. For German GPs (Hausärzte) it’s 4 days, in the U.K. it’s around 14 days.

Despite my terrible maths 🤣 a 54 year old with an 84yr old is still grim. She’s an established lawyer, which means she must be near 30 and she said he’s MORE than twice her age.

Says the poster who overlooks basic economics and then goes into a primary school explanation of medical advances. As I said aging population is one factor in the coverall cost burden, but there are others - long term conditions, lifestyle illnesses etc.

A breakdown of expenditure shows staff costs equate to 50% of expenditure; other areas include primary care (general practice, dentistry etc); procurement; non-NHS health care (ie: independent, local authority or voluntary, community providers); and medicines.

The French system of funding is more efficient because it involves specific state health “social” insurance whereas NHS funding comes out of the general tax pool. To match French health expenditure (in PPP-adjusted terms), the UK would have to spend roughly 21% more per person. The French system combines social security contributions (ie payroll taxes), general social contribution (CSG) & voluntary complementary insurance to cover the remainder (often provided by employers).

Talk about getting off topic- these last few posts!

I'm glad there are other people as incompetent at maths as me 🫣😁 I used to dread those "...and how many apples does John have?" questions! 🤣

I'd bite his hand off! Especially as you've said you love him. Age gaps relationships can work too, trust your instincts.

It sounds horrendous, she’ll earn every penny of the money she gains out of it. It actually makes my skin crawl thinking about a man in his 80s when you are in your early 50s. I would feel like people were wondering and laughing at what on earth was going on with it all. OP can do better. This is the sort of thing you get in poorer countries where the women are pursuing passports or a better lifestyle. OP is a professional woman, there are men a bit older but not double her age she can opt for. 10 years would be the limit for me. Age is just a number is so twee, you do not see it with the woman that old the other way round do you? It’s women that are expected to hold their nose and go for these unattractive arrangements because they are women.

Given your responses so far indicate you seem to have zero doubts about this - why did you start this thread, OP?

My DH is 18 years older than me BUT we'd already had children ourselves with previous spouses and the youngest was already 16 by the time we met.

What are your ages and the ages of his children? Considerations for you are things like are you going to end up as step parent to quite young children? It's a different relationship to being dads girlfriend. What's his intentions with regard to all the children, would he want a 'blended family' as big age differences between children can make this a challenge.

As you've only been together a year, how much have you actually been around his children? How are you going to feel when you're living together but the children and your child change the dynamics of being a couple

I'd be looking at those sorts of things rather than focusing on age.

And regarding the property he's intending to buy for you, check that it's all ring fenced in the way you think it will be, being a legal person you are in a better position than most to not just go alinf with what he tells you.

And, importantly as with any relationship, if everything changed and the money, property etc weren't there, would you still be happy ?

I assume you failed maths GCSE

I think the confusion is OP doesn’t give her age, so for all we know, she is currently 54 and her silver haired Lothario is 108 🤣.

I get what you meant, he will seem to get older and older and the gap will seem to get bigger and bigger.

If that was the case I'd quickly marry the guy. Wouldn't have to put up with him long before he snuffed it

Also a valid viewpoint 😊

What is this 'maths' you speak of?