To marry a man more than twice my age

[sarahsdilemma]

I’m a lawyer, well-educated, and I’ve worked very hard to get where I am but deeply unhappy in my job. I find it stressful, all-consuming and, if I’m honest, quite miserable. The long hours, weekend work and constant pressure are really getting to me, and even looking ahead, I can see that while the pay improves, it still comes at a big personal cost. People ahead of me are doing well, but they’re still working incredibly hard and the mums often either go part time (so a pay cut) or miss weekends and bedtimes with their kids.

I’ve been in a relationship for about a year with a man more than twice my age. He owns a (highly successful) business, has been married before and has children. I appreciate how this sounds, but he treats me very well and I feel happy and supported with him. He helps me financially, I have a card linked to his account rather than a formal allowance, and more recently he’s been talking about a future together, including marriage.

He’s seen how unhappy I am in my job and has gently suggested that I don’t have to continue if it’s making me this miserable. I’ve been very cautious about that, as I don’t want to make myself vulnerable or dependent on someone else. To address that, he’s offered to buy a property in London in my name as an engagement present, which I could rent out and keep the income from, regardless of what happens between us.

I do want children, probably more than I want a career, and I can’t help but think about what kind of life I actually want long-term. My mum, who I love and respect, thinks this is a terrible idea and keeps saying I should find someone my own age. Her main concern seems to be the age gap and questioning his motives, but she isn’t really giving me much practical reasoning beyond that, which is making it harder for me to weigh things up properly.

I also look at her life and how hard she’s worked balancing a job with most of the childcare and housework, and I’m not sure that’s the path I want for myself. With my partner, realistically, there would be more support in day-to-day life / paid help.

I know relationships can go wrong, and I’m not naive about that. But I do genuinely care about him and feel happy with him as a person. I’m trying to think about this sensibly and not rush into anything, but I also don’t want to dismiss something that could give me a very different (and potentially happier) life.

So… AIBU to even be considering this? I’d really appreciate honest but kind perspectives.

What are your ages?

You mention having children, does he want more dc?

The maths don't work like that. He's twice her age now eg she's 25, he's 50, so 25 years between them. When she's 35, he'll be 35 + 25 = 60. She's only twice his age now but will be less than twice his age in future.

It would give me ick if on a family day out the nanny comes and deals with everything!! Only there for the fun! Not for the hard work.

I do want children, probably more than I want a career, and I can’t help but think about what kind of life I actually want long-term.

This is key OP. You need to be sure that you both envisage the same future if you are planning to spend it together.

I heard a saying once, Women marry men thinking they can change them, men marry women thinking they'll never change.

Does he want babies and a frazzled tired out young mum or just a stimulating adoring young companion? Honest discussion needed.

The age difference will become more significant. How old will he be when you are his age? That will come round sooner than you think.

I’m sorry but I think you’re being very naive.

How do you plan on raising your children? Will they have a nanny? If so, what will you be doing with yourself? You mention having to work hard and miss bedtimes, so it sounds like you’re planning to do bedtimes yourself.

You realise having kids is hard right? Definitely on relationships. Will you boyfriend realistically be prepared to help with them? Will he be hands on? Does he want to give up romantic trips and nice restaurants?

I think I agree with your mum. He’s been there and done it and I almost guarantee he’ll be a shit dad. He won’t be wanting to get up in the night, or help you when you need it. You’ll be come a SAHM (which is stressful, hard work, relentless and boring) and he’ll be spending more time away from home to maintain his nice lifestyle, leaving you feeling neglected.

It feels like you’re giving up on your life and handing it over to someone else. You love what this man offers you, not him.

Meet someone your own age, and share a family life properly. Give your kids a dad who will likely live beyond their 20s.

I'm not going to say much, apart from this:
If you love him, or at least respect him, if you won't have to count pennies/look at working for the rest of your life and if he's got enough means to pay for help with "wiping his arse", as per PP, go for it.
Otherwise, don't bother.
47 yo here, husband 76, married for 22 years.

dating him primarily for his money.

Your hope to be subsidised long term is unlikely to be realistic.

He’s been married before and has DC to provide for and legal skills. So he would probably make sure that financial support to you and any you DC was contingent on his goodwill and staying together.

If you no longer want to pursue the career you chose, look for ways to make a change yourself.

Should you try to have DC with him there would higher risk of fertility issues than with a younger man, and DC having health issues.

If the choice was Skegness on a wet Wednesday, and you're marshalling the children because he needs both hands on his walking sticks - if you'd still love him then, go for it!

You really need to think hard about how you might feel as a 'kept woman'. It must be quite the transition when you've been self-reliant. There would also be a huge financial imbalance, which could skew the power towards him. Not many people can offer a London house as an engagement present. When you have noney, it's easy to think it solves every problem. It solves lots, but not all. Marrying for money is by far from the only way to escape a job you are disenchanted with.

If he’s twice your age I’m guessing he’s close to 60, that’s the age of my dh (I’m a bit younger, not that much) and the difference between mid 50’s and 60 is quite a bit, not just me but friends are noticing the same with their dp’s. We all are same life stage (kids are adults and leaving home) and it’s still not as easy as 5 years ago due to creeping age related issues, even in me, a creaky knee here, on high blood pressure tablets, cataracts him … it’s normal life stuff for us middle aged folk but you are my DD’s age, time for fun not the eye clinic!

Forgetting about the age what was his last relationship like if he has kids young enough to need a nanny running after them? Personally no matter what happens I’d hold onto your lotto ticket (your really good job), save like hell for about five years and rethink/change careers. Money gives options op, your own money, not other people’s money

Where's the ex-wife/mother-of-children?

Was she half his age too when they got together?

Have you considered that though age is not an issue for you, he might consider you too old some time soon-ish too?

I would be more concerned about getting married and then him looking for a younger model a year or two in when the novelty wears off because you are pregnant or have a new baby, and not wanting to hand over to the nanny very much.

I would be more concerned about getting married and then him looking for a younger model a year or two in when the novelty wears off because you are pregnant or have a new baby, and not wanting to hand over to the nanny very much.

This all sounds very transactional with the card linked to his account/buying you a property. It sounds like you wouldn’t look twice at him if he wasn’t loaded and are considering it because he can give you a different (better) life.

You love him. He’s offered to buy you a flat. Do it.

Like most peeps on here I'm curious of the ages involved.

My partner is 20 years older than me, we will be 40 and 60 this year.

If you love him, go for it- nothing else really matters. But how old are you, if you’re under 30 I’d probably advise you to wait another 2-3 years.

If he’s more than twice your age, is he in his 60s and you 30s? From what you’ve said, this is what I’m imagining. If so, he’s almost at retirement age and in about 15-20 years he will be a very old man indeed, likely with health issues.

You want children, and if you’re in your 30s this needs to happen sooner than later. I wouldn’t do this with a man in his 60s personally. People will quickly say he might live to 100 but statistically speaking, he’s most likely going to die by the time any hypothetical child is 20. Does he even want more children at that age himself? I can’t imagine a man that old would want to run around after young children but I suppose Boris Johnson does…

I’m with your mum I’m afraid. I would look into different career paths but I wouldn’t be quitting my job to rely on a man for money.

An age gap like that is likely to be a problem. You likely won't have kids of your own. You are financially reliant on him and his kids will be his financial priority.

Make a decision about your job that is unrelated to him and always be able to fund your own life.

You are far better off making a life with someone your own age as it is so much easier going through life with someone at the same life stage as you.

Do you enjoy the sex with him?

In all reality, it's easy to think you love someone when they offer what one wants most at a particular time. You are fantasizing about stopping your job. yet having more disposable income than you can want, living the yummy mummy life, and it looks like a fairy tale....

Yet these women are rarely happy after a few years. They are bored, their exciting man suddenly is an old repulsive man with disgusting habits, mentally boring, not interested in socialising any longer, let alone travelling.

They gradually dislike them, and then dislike them even more because they still want the lifestyle, have lost all confidence in thinking they can make it comfortably on their own, and ultimately feel totally trapped and resentful for it.

If there's enough money sloshing around that you don't ever have to nurse him, go for it.

How old are you op and how old is he?

edited to add if you’re in your twenties and he’s knocking on 6o, in a decade you will be with a man who is knocking on 70, arguably unfair for any young kids and a very different lifestyle

It’s fine to marry someone twice your age, particularly when you love him, why wouldn’t it be. When he dies you’ll be able to marry again.

But I’m not sure why you want to let him buy you a property instead of rethinking your career. You need to really sort that out - regroup, retrain etc.

Do you want kids and does he want more?

But she could divorce him when he gets decrepit and walk away with £££