To marry a man more than twice my age

[sarahsdilemma]

I’m a lawyer, well-educated, and I’ve worked very hard to get where I am but deeply unhappy in my job. I find it stressful, all-consuming and, if I’m honest, quite miserable. The long hours, weekend work and constant pressure are really getting to me, and even looking ahead, I can see that while the pay improves, it still comes at a big personal cost. People ahead of me are doing well, but they’re still working incredibly hard and the mums often either go part time (so a pay cut) or miss weekends and bedtimes with their kids.

I’ve been in a relationship for about a year with a man more than twice my age. He owns a (highly successful) business, has been married before and has children. I appreciate how this sounds, but he treats me very well and I feel happy and supported with him. He helps me financially, I have a card linked to his account rather than a formal allowance, and more recently he’s been talking about a future together, including marriage.

He’s seen how unhappy I am in my job and has gently suggested that I don’t have to continue if it’s making me this miserable. I’ve been very cautious about that, as I don’t want to make myself vulnerable or dependent on someone else. To address that, he’s offered to buy a property in London in my name as an engagement present, which I could rent out and keep the income from, regardless of what happens between us.

I do want children, probably more than I want a career, and I can’t help but think about what kind of life I actually want long-term. My mum, who I love and respect, thinks this is a terrible idea and keeps saying I should find someone my own age. Her main concern seems to be the age gap and questioning his motives, but she isn’t really giving me much practical reasoning beyond that, which is making it harder for me to weigh things up properly.

I also look at her life and how hard she’s worked balancing a job with most of the childcare and housework, and I’m not sure that’s the path I want for myself. With my partner, realistically, there would be more support in day-to-day life / paid help.

I know relationships can go wrong, and I’m not naive about that. But I do genuinely care about him and feel happy with him as a person. I’m trying to think about this sensibly and not rush into anything, but I also don’t want to dismiss something that could give me a very different (and potentially happier) life.

So… AIBU to even be considering this? I’d really appreciate honest but kind perspectives.

Why wouldn't she? Seems he has youngish kids anyway

Since you don’t mention love or why you care for this man - yes totally a terrible idea. Bringing children up as a second family to a man you don’t = tons of therapy.

Listen to your Mum.

You love him, you are happy with him and he sounds fair, buying a property in your name, so you would have security.

In your place I would go for it - I say this because you have said you love him so it isn't just his wallet.

If he can afford a nanny to care for his children, he will be able to afford carers in later life if needed. However some people remain well and fit, if he looks after himself he could be one of those. No point in being pessimistic.

Is a man who fully outsourced his kids to a nanny the type of father you want for yours?

No issue with a nanny but she's even on days out when they are in his custody? That would be a major turn off for most women.

If he wasn't been involved in raising his kids when he was younger, he wouldn't start now.

If you are burnt out by big firm city corporate law, why now get an in house industry, less hours position or set up/buy a small firm in the suburbs.

The whole corporate law ambition doesn't seem to tally with the potential future kept women status. Any chance burn out is clouding your judgement?

If he’s wanting to support you financially and it took a few posts before you mentioned the word love him then why not go part time? You keep your career, you get to take some pressure off and you get to not worry about money?
It doesn’t have to be all or nothing unless you are actually questioning whether you want a relationship.

How old are you both?

The money clouds the issue. He is going to be an old man when you're in your prime. He will not help at all if you have kids. He's not going to get involved in any wife work / mental load. Do you have an honest understanding of why his previous marriage didn't work?

Giving you a house before you get married is neither here nor there, because it'll become a marital asset, I believe.

Honestly, I would not go there. I don't think this is the solution to your problems. Enjoy the time with him, but sort out your career either way. How can you make it work for you? Can you side step into a different profession, or retrain? Are there other opportunities at your work?

And you're contemplating giving up your career and livelihood for an old rich dude with kids whom you've only known for around a year. He takes the nanny on dates with you because he doesn't want to parent.

That sounds like a big gamble on your future and one I would be afraid to lose. He's got aging sperm and if you want kids you'd better read up on the risks of that, other kids he doesn't parent, and money is his solution to things.

Now if you decide yes, there should be enough money for carers as well as nannies, but you might want to think about retraining on something else if you dislike your career in law.

If you want kids with him they'll be bereaved children or child carers.

I lost my dad when I just turned 13 and he was in his 50s when he passed. I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy.

I also felt really different when I was little and a bit embarrassed I had an older/ retired dad when others dads were running around and in their late 20s-30s.

Presumably your bloke is a decade or more older than that now?

I think he’s too old

it may not seem so bad when you are 25 and 50 but that’s the age gap between me and my parents. I am 52 now and can’t imagine being with a partner in their late 70s.

You are clearly very happy with him so I say go for it.

However, I would have children sooner rather than later as his age may cause complications.

Why did his first marriage end? You mentioned a nanny cares for his DC when you spend time with them so I’m imagining they must be under 12 to need a nanny? Was his ex wife younger too, and why did it break down? I think this is important, maybe she was just like you one day…

I am probably closer to your partner’s age than your’s now. We are well off and have a great material lifestyle, a bit like you are enjoying now maybe.

Would I choose to begin this stage of my life 25 years earlier? Miss being young professionals growing our careers? Making friends for life with like minded peers? Living for a couple of years in a tiny, dodgy apartment in Boston or the tenement in Shoreditch? Jumping on a plane to Morocco at a moment’s notice? Tents at festivals, borrowing someone’s dad’s boat for the week, all the brilliant parties and friends’ weddings.

That stage when we were pretty skint but young and free was absolutely magical. I wouldn’t miss it for the world.

And we are looking forward (mostly) to when we can do it all again when our kids leave home, we (hopefully!) retire together early and in good health, and I get to swap my Volvo for a Porsche.

Honestly, you are a lawyer. That material wealth will no doubt come for you, but there’s a lot to be said for sharing a lifetime together with someone if a similar age.

OP I can see where your mom is coming from. It’s not what I would want for anyone close to me assuming you’re 30 and he’s 60+.

That said if you don’t want kids with him I think it’s fine. If you do, I don’t think it’s a good idea for a man that age who already has kids to be starting again.

Just out of interest-what’s the age gap between him and his ex. His kids still sound quite young so I suspect she was a fair bit younger than him.

Now he has kids why is he not considering women his own age or close to that?

Personally I find it all a bit creepy if he keeps going for younger women no matter how old he gets but that’s just me - I’m not keen on massive age gaps. I do judge older men who don’t like older women and indeed steer clear of them, but again that’s just my opinion.

It's difficult to comment on the age gap when we don't know if it's 20 years or 35 years. But either way, I would never recommend a large age gap relationship, no. There is too much risk of a power imbalance. The fact that he is encouraging you to give up work suggests he is fine with the idea of increasing the power imbalance, which is worrying. Rental income does not make up for loss of earning potential.

You say you are having trouble separating the relationship from the money? I suggest trying the relationship without money. Have a month where you agree to no spending. Sit in and watch a movie, play a board game, go for walks and bike rides. Find out what he is like as a person when he can't flash the cash. I assume he will be enthusiastic about helping you with this experiment, if he's as nice as you think he is.

The nanny! I assumed you meant adult children.

Do you think your life will be all weekends in nice hotels when / if you are married? All very well the nanny coming on a few trips with you, but you do realise that nannies don’t work 24/7 . Who do you think will be picking up the slack when you have that shiny ring on your finger.

You are clever, and you are clearly worn out from your job. Why not take some time out , either find another job or max out your credit cards , go travelling or dog sitting and decide what you really need out of life.

Nothing is wrong with wanting a man that earns well and can support you if you have children

I would marry him and have children. He seems to have your best interest at heart and at least you can rest , have your kids and you can put your career on pause while you go to the next chapter.
you’re qualified and will always have that there.

better than slogging it in modern day slavery working, having kids, having to go 50:50 , clean cooks worry about money.

i just wouldn’t go there and I really feel for the women who have chosen that path.

Could you not just find a job that gave you a better work life balance and look for a relationship where you don't need a financial incentive to marry the guy? Because being very affluent isn't compulsory you know, leaving you with the choice of making yourself rich or marrying a man who'll make you rich.
There's always the option of earning a normal sort of salary, and marrying a man you want to be with for himself, who also earns a normal sort of salary. It works for most.

You need to separate the two issues, career and relationship and resolve them individually.

Would you marry the man and gave his kids if he didn't have all the money or if you weren't unhappy in your job? There's your answer.

You can find a job that doesn't make you miserable. There's your answer.

If you marry him for money you will just end up doing a different job that makes you miserable.

If you read her last post it’s clear she is in love with him she just wonders whether love is enough with such a big age gap.

People are trying to shoehorn this into marrying an older man for money, but that is not correct.

Law isn’t so easy, if she took a substantial break away she would have to take refresher courses and likely be supervised for a while. It’s also difficult enough to get a job in the first place so as an older woman with kids who has been out of the field for years, it would honestly be nigh on impossible to jump back in.

Yes id bloody do it even though marrying for money is morally wrong I still walk about my work all day wishing i didn’t have to be there and wishing I had a rich man to take care if me.

Id 100% do it in a heartbeat, fuck it why not. Im jealous wish it was me

Love is not enough no.

I assume that he is c.60. As such - have you thought about the fact that at his age he might not be interested in more kids, wouldn't necessarily be well enough/alive for much of their childhood to be meaningfully involved and is going to have substantially reduced fertility/increased likelihood of genetic defects (I believe men over the age of 45 are roughly 12.5 times more likely to take two years or longer to conceive naturally compared to men under 25 so god knows what the impact of being 60 would be). More generally - you would have to accept that your shared life is going to look very different to most your peers, you aren't going to be able to share retirement/grow old together obviously but even before then I assume he can't join in with your friends events comfortably as the disconnect in experiences must be huge, etc. I just think you may be signing up to a pretty isolating if wealthy life. I also don't think you should assume that because he is charming right now - that the power disconnect would not play out in terms of the level of respect he had for you over time and that could be pretty destructive mentally.

If OP said ‘oh yes please, give me cash for a deposit on a property’, doubt he would (and he’d be foolish to, unless he has so much money £50k would be a drop in the ocean)

Oh god, don't do it. My dad's second wife was half his age when they met. He was at the height of his career and probably quite impressive. Within 10 years he had cancer and her 30s and early 40s were spent nursing an unbearably demanding and neurotic man. He died at 69 and she was left bereft, having completely spaffed her youth.

He also would have been hugely charming and loving at first but ultimately was a controlling and patronising old shit to her. Absolute car crash.