To marry a man more than twice my age

[sarahsdilemma]

I’m a lawyer, well-educated, and I’ve worked very hard to get where I am but deeply unhappy in my job. I find it stressful, all-consuming and, if I’m honest, quite miserable. The long hours, weekend work and constant pressure are really getting to me, and even looking ahead, I can see that while the pay improves, it still comes at a big personal cost. People ahead of me are doing well, but they’re still working incredibly hard and the mums often either go part time (so a pay cut) or miss weekends and bedtimes with their kids.

I’ve been in a relationship for about a year with a man more than twice my age. He owns a (highly successful) business, has been married before and has children. I appreciate how this sounds, but he treats me very well and I feel happy and supported with him. He helps me financially, I have a card linked to his account rather than a formal allowance, and more recently he’s been talking about a future together, including marriage.

He’s seen how unhappy I am in my job and has gently suggested that I don’t have to continue if it’s making me this miserable. I’ve been very cautious about that, as I don’t want to make myself vulnerable or dependent on someone else. To address that, he’s offered to buy a property in London in my name as an engagement present, which I could rent out and keep the income from, regardless of what happens between us.

I do want children, probably more than I want a career, and I can’t help but think about what kind of life I actually want long-term. My mum, who I love and respect, thinks this is a terrible idea and keeps saying I should find someone my own age. Her main concern seems to be the age gap and questioning his motives, but she isn’t really giving me much practical reasoning beyond that, which is making it harder for me to weigh things up properly.

I also look at her life and how hard she’s worked balancing a job with most of the childcare and housework, and I’m not sure that’s the path I want for myself. With my partner, realistically, there would be more support in day-to-day life / paid help.

I know relationships can go wrong, and I’m not naive about that. But I do genuinely care about him and feel happy with him as a person. I’m trying to think about this sensibly and not rush into anything, but I also don’t want to dismiss something that could give me a very different (and potentially happier) life.

So… AIBU to even be considering this? I’d really appreciate honest but kind perspectives.

You are a fully qualified lawyer - so late 20s at least - he is twice your age and has young children (the nanny takes them to the loo). Is the mother of his young children his second wife or was he late to settle down? It sounds to me like he likes young women and gets bored easily.

See if gave loved a man to pay for nanny to do the grunt work ok looking after them. While I could enjoy the nice bits

Id far rather that type of father than theo e I go for myDDs who avoided them, did sweet FA and didn't want to pay a penny to support them

Do you actually love him or do you just see ££ signs?

I'd say no. At no point do you say you love him, so I don't think you do. You want children, but that would entirely change the dynamic. And by the sounds of it, that would all fall to you. You might be able to get paid help but that won't solve everything.

Longer term, a man more than twice your age I think is a bad idea generally. They are going to be old and needing care when you are still in the prime of your life.

Honestly, I'd say find a new job and younger partner.

Yes, you love him, he takes the pressure off you, he wants to look after you and you want to be looked after.
Life is for living too, if it doesn’t work out then you can go back to work.

Surely a city lawyer with a generous, rich boyfriend would have better things to do on a Sunday afternoon than come onto Mumsnet to ask whether she should marry him?

OP just loves the idea of not continuing with her current job / occupation.

OP has said that she loves him.

When you say you want children, do you mean biological children of your own, or do you mean you will be satisfied by taking his on?

if you want your own biological children then have you had this conversation with him?

Are you sexually attracted to him? How important is sex to you and how old is he? And you?

You need to be aware that even if he is attractive now, he will age rapidly. We don’t age evenly, there is a period of rapid ageing mid 40s and again in the 60s. There is a big difference between 60 and 70, in a way there is not between 30 and 40. Also you could end up a carer and if you have your own kid. His dad could die early in his life and childhood.

Having said that. If I didn’t want my own bio child, and he would marry me, I think I would do it. Money matters a lot and you could have a brilliant life with your best friend, and be financially comfy when he dies

If I wanted a bio child, it would depend on his age. He would have to be very early 50s at oldest for me to consider that. Not fair on the kid otherwise.

I'd be worried you would be expected to look after the kids after marriage. And you want your own children. Does he want more children?

Is it just that you're sick of working and want to be a tradwife? Be careful.

Do you actually love him or do you just love his money? Because it sounds more like the latter to me.

If you want to marry a much older man primarily for the lifestyle that he is able to provide, then that's your prerogative. I certainly wouldn't personally, because it would feel a bit like prostituting myself, and I value my self respect and my independence more than I value material wealth. But we're all different.

Just make sure that you know the plan for how any future care needs are going to be handled, and if you're planning on quitting your own career, then think about how your own needs are going to be met when he dies - he may want to leave his assets to his children so you will need to ensure that you're adequately provided for.

If you do want kids of your own, bear in mind that it will also be pretty shit for them to lose their dad at a young age.

Love fades over time. You can marry a man who you feel you love at the time but after kids stress work more stress and every day living you’ll be wishing you married a man you respect more and who loves and adores you in return. Your children can have private education and things that most only dream
of being able to give their children.

Some days I have had a really hard day at work and so has my husband, one of the children is upset about school, the other one is crying about homework and the shopping needs doing. Not all days are easy and I’d be interested to know how prepared you are for challenges together as it sounds great at the moment with lots of money helping things. If you had children would he want a nanny like now so he doesn’t have to get too involved?

Why don't you look into changing from your stressful career to a job that you absolutely love and are passionate about, and moving to a less expensive part of the UK? Then you can meet a man you love for himself and not his bank balance and you wouldn't be helping him to the toilet in a few years. I would feel very uncomfortable having my much older boyfriend's credit card and accepting a house in London. It sounds like a form of prostitution. Will you be his wife or his mistress? If he has DC young enough to need a nanny, does he really want any more?

I’m also wondering about the ex-wife, and how much he has the kids. If you have your own DC, is he going to expect you to let the nanny put them to bed whilst you go out to dinner. Or leave them at a young age to go on a romantic holiday?

I suspect this would be less attractive if you weren’t so unhappy in your work. So find a job you do enjoy and then reassess.

Do it! You have an opportunity to change your life. Don’t overthink it. There’s no such thing as perfect.

Whats the age gap? Are you 40 and he is 80? 30 and he’s 60?

Omg just honestly get your own life first.
Yes your job is stressful but so is so many other jobs in London.

Taking the children to the toilet they have to be toddlers or 8/9 years old. Nanny on tap life is easy.

You are in the fun period. Guess what happens when the nanny doesn’t show up you are in for the long haul. The slog of childcare. You will be the one taking them to the toilet, relentless chats about homework, brushing their teeth, not dropping their clothes on the floor etc 🤣

Cash is not what it is made out to be. So people get very entitled by their earnings powers (the man) and treat their partner like 💩 even in the multi millions plus.

Double the age - do you find him physically attractive with a good body? As if he has his own business likely he is under high stress which also means ED! No sex no fun in a few years.

Once he has had his fun with you - you are probably be absolutely bored shitless. He won’t make you happy. You are just picking the easy option now. Maybe move companies / jobs or something.

It’s nice to have cash but equally it’s beyond miserable if you are not happy within. Money can be stacked in the bank but can feel soulless.

He is having his cake and eating it and you are just bored within your life so liking the excitement. However, the bubble will pop soon and then you will realise how it is ….

I think your mum has this right.

I can’t see this blossoming for the long haul. Yes you can probably do it 10 years max (if you continue) and you will wonder why one day ……..

I wouldn’t leave job until you’re married. He doesn’t want a miserable wife. You’ll still have your degree to fall back on

@sarahsdilemma Her main concern seems to be the age gap and questioning his motives

His motives are clear. He wants a wife and possibly children, and it sounds like he is wealthy enough to allow you to be a house wife.

I can't offer anything beyond that, unfortunately. Whether it's better to have a job and continue working, or to be financially free and be a house wife... the answer to that will be different for each person.

I can't get past the fact that the OP tells us she has a card to his bank account and he wants to buy her a flat.

I would be thoroughly ashamed to be in that situation...but maybe that's just meo.

Poor bloke - naive enough to think you love him. You sound like a money grabber.

So you’re a gold digger and you’ve come here looking for approval.

Personally I think taking money from someone you’re not even living with yet but you’re happy to have a personal card for spending is disgusting behaviour and if I was one of his children I’d be very clear about how I felt about you.

I mean let’s not kid ourselves that anyone who marries a rich man twice their age, these women who have babies with mick jagger and the like do it for love. Of course they don’t.

It’s that old question isn’t it, “so what first made you fall in love with the millionaire <insert name>?”

Go for it