To marry a man more than twice my age

[sarahsdilemma]

I’m a lawyer, well-educated, and I’ve worked very hard to get where I am but deeply unhappy in my job. I find it stressful, all-consuming and, if I’m honest, quite miserable. The long hours, weekend work and constant pressure are really getting to me, and even looking ahead, I can see that while the pay improves, it still comes at a big personal cost. People ahead of me are doing well, but they’re still working incredibly hard and the mums often either go part time (so a pay cut) or miss weekends and bedtimes with their kids.

I’ve been in a relationship for about a year with a man more than twice my age. He owns a (highly successful) business, has been married before and has children. I appreciate how this sounds, but he treats me very well and I feel happy and supported with him. He helps me financially, I have a card linked to his account rather than a formal allowance, and more recently he’s been talking about a future together, including marriage.

He’s seen how unhappy I am in my job and has gently suggested that I don’t have to continue if it’s making me this miserable. I’ve been very cautious about that, as I don’t want to make myself vulnerable or dependent on someone else. To address that, he’s offered to buy a property in London in my name as an engagement present, which I could rent out and keep the income from, regardless of what happens between us.

I do want children, probably more than I want a career, and I can’t help but think about what kind of life I actually want long-term. My mum, who I love and respect, thinks this is a terrible idea and keeps saying I should find someone my own age. Her main concern seems to be the age gap and questioning his motives, but she isn’t really giving me much practical reasoning beyond that, which is making it harder for me to weigh things up properly.

I also look at her life and how hard she’s worked balancing a job with most of the childcare and housework, and I’m not sure that’s the path I want for myself. With my partner, realistically, there would be more support in day-to-day life / paid help.

I know relationships can go wrong, and I’m not naive about that. But I do genuinely care about him and feel happy with him as a person. I’m trying to think about this sensibly and not rush into anything, but I also don’t want to dismiss something that could give me a very different (and potentially happier) life.

So… AIBU to even be considering this? I’d really appreciate honest but kind perspectives.

I can't understand your line of thought - you're unhappy in your job and your solution is to marry a man twice your age? I think it's true when there are no money worries it takes away alot of friction in a relationship, so I can see why you enjoy your time with him, but surely you can find someone else closer to your own age who also has money if that's the case? I dunno... I'd be very reluctant to have kids with a man in his 50s or 60s.

I suspect many men OP’s age with money and/or prospects are looking for an equal partner to build a life with, not someone who expects to be kept.

It’s because we have more elderly people now, compared to young working adults, than ever before in history. The boomer generation are huge, living much longer than the previous generation, with complex and overlapping health issues, which cost a lot of money. But there are less working adults to pay for it. The working population has shrunk in comparison to the increase in elderly, who have complex health needs. Spend a couple of nights on a corridor in your local a&e for, about five times a year like I have done, and speak to the doctors on call. They’ll tell you exactly the above.

Where is your self-respect? An intelligent woman with a prestigious career who wants to be kept by a sugar daddy more than twice your age? The whole idea is just highly embarrassing. Your mother must be mortified as he's probably older than she is. Where to start with this...?

What do your friends think?
Are there any Daddy issues at play/did you grow up very poor and that's why why money is so important?
Blended families are difficult - I'd read some of the threads in AIBU.
Much older partners can require a lot of care when you'll still be relatively young - again, I'd read some threads in AIBU.
Is it fair for a child to have a father in his 60s/70s when they're at school? Probably getting mistaken for their grandfather.
Is it fair to have children knowing their father will most likely die when they're young adults (best case scenario)?
Why bother having kids if you're planning to offload them to a nanny already given you'll be a SAHM?
He doesn't seem the most hands on dad as it is.
I'm not a career advisor but couldn't you just... reach out to a mentor to talk through your career options? Look at the public sector? Ask chatgpt FFS. Throwing away a career for a bloke is rarely the best option.

@sarahsdilemma Marry him.
Lots of people in many professions have kids and then decide to go part time or be a SAHM for a decade. Life’s too short to miss out on your children. You will always be you and your achievements, you sound genuinely in love. The financial security aspect sounds thought out and having a property and good prenup sounds fair. It sounds like he’s in a place to actually provide financially if he needs any care, which most couples don’t have so you still enjoy that side of things.
Also have the nanny or housekeeper help if you’re a SAHM.so many people will say why, but a few hours or days to be around your children but have some breathing space makes you enjoy them even more.

Saying this from someone who lost a highflying career due to illness and now enjoying being a full time SAHM, also all my visâmes career friends are now part time, no one is working full time once they had children.

Marry him, enjoy being a mum, until then go part time if you’re want to keep your hand in. Your carrer choice at this point is valid if you want to be a mum. I would have taken a carrer break anyway to have my kids if I don’t have the decision made for me, you get one life, you love him, so have a good life!

I’ve spent the last 5 years in and out of A&E with elderly parents. I’m aware of the challenges of elderly care. However as per my previous response France and Germany national health systems are not in the state of the NHS.

This is all irrelevant to the OP of course as her DP, being wealthy, may have private health insurance.

I used a 'primary school explanation' in an effort to help you understand but it clearly didn't work. Sorry.

Copying and pasting quotes off the Internet isn't ideal, it needs to relate to the subject of the argument for it to make sense.

Also, you really should have referenced Nuffield etc when you quoted them to ensure they get the credit for you copying their work. Otherwise it looks like you are trying to pass the content off as your own work.

@RedLightYellowLight Do you really think he's a keeper though? Given that his children are still of an age to have a nanny, his first marriage didn't last long. Statistically, second marriages are more likely to fail and it's unlikely that he and his first wife married young and grew apart if this man in his 50's/60's with young children. I don't think he's marriage/family material.

current children, he is involved in their lives and provides for them very well, but their mum is the primary parent

Wow OP there's some linguist giveaways going on there.

'Current children'. They are children. They will always be his children. They will not be his past children. They are not his current children to be replaced with new children.

This is a giveaway about how you and he view them - disposal and will time out. That's not ok and not cool. Much to unpack here.

'Primary parent'. There's no such thing. There's parents and there's parents who can't be arsed. There's resident parents and parents who decide that they'd rather cough up money than care for their kids. There single parents and parents who think their kids are an inconvenience and disposable.

Again the language gives away a lot.

Whether that's in terms of how you view the kids or how he does, or both. But it's a giveaway.

Fast forward five years and the marriage isn't working. This is you. Dad is gone and you are left holding the baby.

You might see the kids as part time kids who will be gone in a few years. That's not how it works. Or if it does, that's the potential future for your kids.

This is important to see and recognise.

I wouldn't judge you if you married him for financial security but when you marry for money, you earn every penny.

You really do.

Oh I agree.
It's still.a massive age gap and I don't trust men who want to be with women who are young enough to be their daughters anyway.

Agree – it's icky.

You know, something about the OP was bothering me and it's exactly this. The language is very... detached.

If they get married "his current children" will be your stepchildren, OP. There's every possibility at least one might decide to rebel against their mum and want to move in age 12, or 13, or 17.

Yes. Detached is very much the case. She doesn't see the kids as part of a package deal.

They may not be, given his circumstances and attitude - but if that's the case, thats actually a red flag.

The OP may not want to acknowledge this, but she'd be foolish not to ask it has significant implications either way.

I get it, you read in the Daily Mail that aging population is the cause of all NHS ills and you believed them. Which doesn’t explain why the French and German national health systems are not struggling in the same way with the same % of elderly population.

As I said that is only one of the NHS’s challenges, others are obesity and increasing rates of chronic illness. In any case a key driver is long term underfunding.

Awful post.

Honestly, that’s a pretty narrow-minded take. People love to throw around the 'icky' label, but look at all the couples who are the exact same age and still end up in a toxic mess or a bitter divorce.
Having the same birth year doesn't guarantee a good marriage. If two adults are happy, respect each other, and actually get along, who cares about the age gap? It feels a bit judgmental to write off a whole relationship just because it doesn't fit your arbitrary social rulebook. At the end of the day, a 'socially acceptable' couple can be miserable, while an age-gap couple is actually thriving."

To be fair to OP she’s probably only met them a few times and just means his ex has primary custody or resident parent. 50/50 demonstrates commitment as a parent but it can be a lot harder for the kids.

If that's the cases she's showing naivity.

That's the problem with that comment. It's problematic in just about every possible intention.

This is what I keep coming back to the thread for. OP doesn't realise that the things she is saying, thinking and revealing about this man and his children are pretty dreadful. Because she's not been there. she is epically naive.

“Epically naive” is true of at least half MN.

Sometimes pragmatic matches endure better than love matches. And money does insulate from certain kinds of stressors in relationships.

But it isn't just love. You are going to have a very comfortable life. There are no guarantees anyway whoever you marry. Just go for it.

Material comforts, sure. But what price self-respect and a truly equal relationship?

I also wouldn’t advise her to get too used to the material comforts, it’ll be a hard bump back to earth if he divorces her and she has to try to keep that standard up with no career.

What does truly equal mean in this context? Are people unequal solely due to financial disparity?

Why would she not respect herself for marrying someone she loves just because he’s older?