To marry a man more than twice my age

[sarahsdilemma]

I’m a lawyer, well-educated, and I’ve worked very hard to get where I am but deeply unhappy in my job. I find it stressful, all-consuming and, if I’m honest, quite miserable. The long hours, weekend work and constant pressure are really getting to me, and even looking ahead, I can see that while the pay improves, it still comes at a big personal cost. People ahead of me are doing well, but they’re still working incredibly hard and the mums often either go part time (so a pay cut) or miss weekends and bedtimes with their kids.

I’ve been in a relationship for about a year with a man more than twice my age. He owns a (highly successful) business, has been married before and has children. I appreciate how this sounds, but he treats me very well and I feel happy and supported with him. He helps me financially, I have a card linked to his account rather than a formal allowance, and more recently he’s been talking about a future together, including marriage.

He’s seen how unhappy I am in my job and has gently suggested that I don’t have to continue if it’s making me this miserable. I’ve been very cautious about that, as I don’t want to make myself vulnerable or dependent on someone else. To address that, he’s offered to buy a property in London in my name as an engagement present, which I could rent out and keep the income from, regardless of what happens between us.

I do want children, probably more than I want a career, and I can’t help but think about what kind of life I actually want long-term. My mum, who I love and respect, thinks this is a terrible idea and keeps saying I should find someone my own age. Her main concern seems to be the age gap and questioning his motives, but she isn’t really giving me much practical reasoning beyond that, which is making it harder for me to weigh things up properly.

I also look at her life and how hard she’s worked balancing a job with most of the childcare and housework, and I’m not sure that’s the path I want for myself. With my partner, realistically, there would be more support in day-to-day life / paid help.

I know relationships can go wrong, and I’m not naive about that. But I do genuinely care about him and feel happy with him as a person. I’m trying to think about this sensibly and not rush into anything, but I also don’t want to dismiss something that could give me a very different (and potentially happier) life.

So… AIBU to even be considering this? I’d really appreciate honest but kind perspectives.

Exactly this!

Having money helps but it seems he throws money at things to get what he wants.

It comes across as though he’s manipulating you.

He knows you’ll do pretty much anything for money/to leave your job and he’s making you an offer you can’t refuse.

That to me would be a massive red flag.

Take money out of the equation for a minute.
What things does he do to show you how much he loves you and wants a future with you?

If he went bankrupt next month what would you do?

He has a nanny raise his children and take them on days out, are you happy for a nanny to raise your children, rather than their actual dad?

If you won the lottery and became a millionaire, would you still want to spend your life with this man?

If yes, then you do truly love him.
If no, then you don’t love him.

Marriage isn’t forever these days but you need to understand the expectations. Prenup?

Marriage is a contract and as a lawyer you need to understand the shared wealth etc you are entering into.

I married someone older and while it didn’t work out in the end I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. It worked out for me, I got to stay at home and be with my children while they were little and retrained when they entered school.

MN is full of mums desperately struggling to make career, caring responsibilities and any resemblance of a social life somehow work out.

This man seems generous and if that’s the life you want then go for it. There is no guarantee that a younger man would be able to be a good partner.

Make sure you accrue a pension and keep your brain busy with courses or a new career. Good luck @sarahsdilemma

Why would you want kids with an old man? (I’m in my early 60s so not young) Old men are more likely to father children with special needs (even over 40s have increased risks let alone those in their 60s). Will he still be alive when your children go to university? Will you end up being his carer when your children go also have school age children?
I would run for the hills because I would be worried about him being controlling because he has much more life experience. Does his have grown up children?
Do you really want a sugar daddy?

It’s your decision to make, but honestly I’ve been in a similar position and it did not end well. Older men have a higher chance of having children with additional needs - it’s not just a woman’s age that affects it. I had a child with a man double my age and when the reality of parenting a child with additional needs hit he bailed and left me to it. Thankfully I had a good career, but that has taken a hit from taking time off to care for child. Maybe see how the relationship progresses and how he parents whilst keeping your career going.

As you love him if vote YANBU. But it’s very likely you’ll be a widow and possibly quite soon (dare I say with enough time to start again….).

Does he want babies too? Love is rare these days, would there be a pre nup? You need to look out for yourself financially whilst allowing his children an inheritance I’d have thought- there are always issues where money is involved. You seem to have a good relationship with his children, I’d want to continue that. Best of luck OP.

You're obviously an intelligent, educated, capable woman. Aside from his age, think about your own life, your self-esteem. The value you get from doing a tough job, using your brain and your training, from your colleagues' opinion of you, from the stimulation of intellectual company. You're going through a hard time at work at the moment; but this period will pass and there will be better times ahead. How fulfilled will you be with no job/career?

How will you feel being jobless, being viewed by your husband's friends as an appendage to him? What will happen to your own personal friendships when you no longer have anything in common with your peers. What will the power dynamics be like in your relationship when you are a dependent? When boredom sets in, will he look for a more exciting relationship?

If you have kids, how will he be as a father? Will he be a co-parent with you or will he leave it to you? What happens when he dies when your kids are young and you are left alone?

You're contemplating throwing everything in with him. It's like putting your life-savings on the number 27 on a roulette wheel. It could pay off, but the chances are slim.

He helps me financially

You are having sex with a man twice your age for financial help.

I have no words for that, but the dictionary does.

Love on it's own is never enough imo.
Shared values and enjoying the same activities are really important.

The fact that he is well off will cushion you from a lot of the pressures that can break up couples.

You may well end up having a husband who needs care, but it sounds like he has enough money to source outside carers.

He has offered to buy a property in your name to give you some financial security, which is good, as that would always be yours.

You could ask to be named as the beneficiary of any pensions he has, named as the sole beneficiary of a decent life insurance policy, and left a decent amount in his Will. But be aware those things could be changed at any time...

He will also want to leave an inheritance to his existing children.

You would have to accept that you might only have 20 good years together, but honestly so many marriages end in divorce that I don't think that's an issue.

I would say go for it.

What we think is irrelevant. I would not marry a man twice my age as it would make no sense to me to marry a 90 year old. But if it works for you and you are compatible - go for it.

i'd worry about having kids with him given the age difference. what's the likelihood he'd live to see your child get to age 18? i'd also be worried about the risk from older sperm as you have higher chances of miscarrying or for health problems with the baby.

I'm in my 50s married to a man 10 years older. It never bothered me remotely until he turned 50 and slowed down.... then 60 hit and his health hit the skids dramatically. I swear he has a seat in the GP surgery he's there so often. He's tired, grumpy and like a hybrid between Basil Fawlty and Victor Meldrew but oh so less funny when you're living with it. And we've not had a sex life for years. I feel trapped and held back - he can't do long walks anymore, won't go on city breaks, and basically spends all weekend nodding off in his armchair.

Don't dismiss an age gap lightly. And I know that others will come on here to insist how sprightly their older partners are, but they're rarer than hens teeth. I work with men mainly in their late 50s/early 60s and they're all similar to DH.

There is a lot to think about with relationships like this.

A friend of mine married a woman who was approx half his age. They absolutely adored each other, were wonderfully well-matched and had a ton of fun together.

And then, not totally unexpectedly given his age, he fell ill. His wife (who had also become a friend) looked after him willingly and faithfully, and was devastated when he died: not entirely unreasonably, she'd expected another decade with him, and he'd always been fit and active.

So that is something to bear in mind.

Not if you definitely want kids. Because he could easily change his mind about having more.
and higher rates of asd with older dads.

Would you want to have a dad who was already 40+ when you were born?

You want children. Geriatric sperm can be linked to multiple health issues, its not just egg age that can result in unhealthier offspring.

Is an easier financial life worth risking the quality of your future childrens health? Even if you're 25 he's atleast 50, its not good quality sperm.

Gut feeling with big decisions. If you thought it was right you'd just be doing it.

You can side step your career and have kids without this guy. What's stopping you?

Be brave. If he was the dream I,'d say go for it but you need MN to talk you in to.it. Also he hasn't found his one yet despite twice the time - that's a big red flag.

Strong stomach required, me thinks, to do this.

The ages are relevant
20 and 40+ is very different to 30 and 60+ and 40 and 80 is even more different!

No.

It's enough of an issue being married to a man in his 70s when you're a few years younger than him.

Never mind being a woman in her 40s with a couple of kids married to a man in his 70s.

There genuinely is a cliff at around 65 when his health is likely to really deteriorate no matter how well he looks after himself now. That change in physical strength, ability, presence is not unlikely to cause personality changes as well in someone who is used to seeing themself as strong and capable.

It's very likely that you will spend the years your children are teenagers as his emotional carer even if there's enough money to pay for any physical care needs.

Love is not enough to marry into that situation, it's a decision that needs making with a cold logical head on and your eyes wide open.

You sound burnt out career wise. The sensible route would be to change career and then see if you still feel the same about him and the financially easy life he is offering.

My sister married a man twice her age. They loved each other so it was the right thing to do but it’s been very difficult over the last few years. Now she is a heartbroken very young widow.

there is a saying -marry for money and you’ll earn every penny.

there is nothing wrong with making a head over heart decision, but your post in concerning for a number reasons

you talk about being unhappy in your job and he seems to be the key to escaping this for you. if you weren’t so unhappy, would you be contemplating marriage with him.

You talk about what he provides do you, but not about him as a person.

he seems to be encouraging you to give up your job. if you do, you leave yourself vulnerable and the power dynamic is already in his favour - despite how wealthy he is, he is throwing money at you and you’ve been together for year.

he is double your age, yet has children who need a nanny - how old is his ex? i’d be concerned that she is also much younger than him.

whilst things are going well now, you have to be practical and consider that he is going to be an old man whilst you are in your prime an you’ll be caring for an elderly husband whilst your peers are living their best lives.

if you truly love him, you can make it work, but in a age gap relationship, the odds are stacked against you as it is.

You are not being unreasonable to consider it at all. Any relationship can go bad for any number of reasons - you can't predict the future. What you have right now is very good and you love him. Make sure you remain financially independent (that house needs to be in your name, no questions asked; your bank account needs to keep a good balance) and go for it. Wishing you all the very best!

If you love him then go for it OP. He sounds like he could offer you a lovely life for both you and any future children.

I wonder if your mum has planted that seed of doubt about it not being 'right'.