To marry a man more than twice my age

[sarahsdilemma]

I’m a lawyer, well-educated, and I’ve worked very hard to get where I am but deeply unhappy in my job. I find it stressful, all-consuming and, if I’m honest, quite miserable. The long hours, weekend work and constant pressure are really getting to me, and even looking ahead, I can see that while the pay improves, it still comes at a big personal cost. People ahead of me are doing well, but they’re still working incredibly hard and the mums often either go part time (so a pay cut) or miss weekends and bedtimes with their kids.

I’ve been in a relationship for about a year with a man more than twice my age. He owns a (highly successful) business, has been married before and has children. I appreciate how this sounds, but he treats me very well and I feel happy and supported with him. He helps me financially, I have a card linked to his account rather than a formal allowance, and more recently he’s been talking about a future together, including marriage.

He’s seen how unhappy I am in my job and has gently suggested that I don’t have to continue if it’s making me this miserable. I’ve been very cautious about that, as I don’t want to make myself vulnerable or dependent on someone else. To address that, he’s offered to buy a property in London in my name as an engagement present, which I could rent out and keep the income from, regardless of what happens between us.

I do want children, probably more than I want a career, and I can’t help but think about what kind of life I actually want long-term. My mum, who I love and respect, thinks this is a terrible idea and keeps saying I should find someone my own age. Her main concern seems to be the age gap and questioning his motives, but she isn’t really giving me much practical reasoning beyond that, which is making it harder for me to weigh things up properly.

I also look at her life and how hard she’s worked balancing a job with most of the childcare and housework, and I’m not sure that’s the path I want for myself. With my partner, realistically, there would be more support in day-to-day life / paid help.

I know relationships can go wrong, and I’m not naive about that. But I do genuinely care about him and feel happy with him as a person. I’m trying to think about this sensibly and not rush into anything, but I also don’t want to dismiss something that could give me a very different (and potentially happier) life.

So… AIBU to even be considering this? I’d really appreciate honest but kind perspectives.

I say no because you want children and I think it would be really cruel to your children to give them such an old dad. They deserve better than that.

there is also a much higher chance that they will be disabled due to his age and declining sperm quality. Read some of the posts on here from people with disabled children. It’s not an easy life and certainly not the life you envision for yourself.

I don't know what you should do but I just wanted to point out that life is always easier when you have money so that's no reason to question anything. What I mean is, you could meet someone your own age and be a really good match and be madly in love. But you are insightful enough to see that life could be very tough if you're having to do a job you don't like and manage children. That's going to put a pressure on any relationship. Also if it does go wrong, you'll have a flat and that's going to make your life so much easier.

Personally, I've never found older men attractive and I couldn't do it - even though I do actually have the opportunity to be with a much older wealthy man.

You say you want children are you sure he wants more? I assume he must be at least mid 50s . Does he want to start all over again . Could he cope with teenage children when is in his 70s?
Is he willing to have broken nights again?
Do you love him or do you love the life you think he can give you?
Is he more of a father figure than a lover.?
How will you cope when you are in your 50s and he is almost 80? Are you willing to become his carer?
It sounds as though he is looking after you now? Might that become stifling, hold you back?
Does he treat you as an equal or as someone he wants to control/care for?
I think you need to ask yourself all those questions and answer honestly before you can decide.

If he delivers on the financial promises and it's all legally recognised you would be fine, but I wonder if you would get bored without the academic challenge? Is there a less pressured legal role you would consider sayer children, in house or even within his company. It does sound like you genuinely care for him and it's not just about money

Go with your heart. Many women marry men their own age and their marriage fails. Many men enjoy good health well into old age, especially if they have wealth. You will have your own business, finances and independence. How many women your age have such opportunities, also having children without added stress of budgeting, housework and affordable childcare. Oh and have time and money for enjoying life. You have one life, live it how you want life to be for you.

What area of law? Could you change to insurance litigation and move into a loss adjuster position its less more but less stress and hours or compliance role? Or go part time in your role.
dont think there an issue with age gap he seems on board re kids and money. I know solicitors and barristers that left the trade and moved into insurance as they were concerned there never meet anyone and could see all the senior partners divorced and lonely. A top career isn’t everything. Somrtimes you have to take a risk in life. The doenside be when you 40 when you still want a life and your partner be retired and no longer fit to do these things. But anyone of us could die tomorrow. Just go for it. Finding a good partner isnt easy. But dont do anything until you been together 2 years as the novelty may wear off.

Sorry to lazy tonight to spell check

So your first gift to your prospective children would be an ageing man's deteriorating sperm?

I have no advice on the relationship part of your dilemma OP, as frankly I couldn’t care less what other people consider appropriate when dating or marrying someone.

What strikes me from your posts is the constant talk of lifestyle, quality of life (modest flat vs luxurious property), nannies and household help… Wealth, basically.

Why do you feel this is important to you? Is this something that was always on your mind - eg success or happiness comes with having enough money to do those things comfortably? Or is it something that’s become more important as the years have passed?

One of my best friends is 28 and having a child with a (single, no other kids, hard-working) 49 year old - it’s something I used to cringe at, but I honestly do not see anything wrong with their relationship and the way they are building a life together. If he weren’t as wealthy, would you still marry him for all his other qualities? Would you still consider building a life with him?

To me, it reads as if your fixation is with the lifestyle and comfort he can provide. I have never had these material desires so I do genuinely ask from a curious perspective, why is the big house and housekeeper and nice holidays such a big issue? Do you find (real) happiness in other things? What are the values or things you couldn’t live without?

OP s disappeared and we still don't know their ages

I haven't RTFT, only all of the OP's posts, so I might be repeating what others have said already. Just remember that although you may have lots of shared interests and enjoy a similar lifestyle, he will slow down a lot sooner than you will. Imagine a time when you want to go out with friends, go on exciting holidays etc and maybe he'll just want to read the paper. You may well end up a carer much younger than you would otherwise, you're more likely to be widowed and on your own for a good portion of your life. So factor that into your decision.

Of course if you decide to leave him you might never meet someone you like as much, you might never meet a man who you want to have children with - these things aren't guaranteed. It's a gamble either way.

@luckylavender I agree with you, especially if I had to really work my arse off to send OP to uni. It is a depressing read - I mean do you not read the multiple threads on here about H’s leaving their wives in the shit as they have never worked and been totally dependent their H’s. I have never been dependant on anyone and have taught my DD the same!

Additionally how much parenting does he actually do, if the nanny is always there? It must be awful for his kids to spend time with their Dad, with the nanny distracting them while you and him talk. Why isn’t he playing with them? Is he really a ‘good Dad’ or just one that just provides money for them? and is that what you want for you and your kids?

Is there any way you can go freelance, OP?

This jumped out at me from your first post:
deeply unhappy in my job. I find it stressful, all-consuming and, if I’m honest, quite miserable. The long hours, weekend work and constant pressure are really getting to me, and even looking ahead, I can see that while the pay improves, it still comes at a big personal cost

I remember that feeling. Having no energy left for life, because the job wrings you out completely. It is a depressing tunnel to be trapped in.

I got so sick of the plate-spinning, dizzying, relentless deadlines that I once emailed my family and announced that I was going to throw everything up in the air and buy a van and live in that, just so that I could lie in a field and feel the sun on my face.

Luckily they talked me out of it, and I stuck with the job/mortgage/general slog for a few more years. Then work just reached the point where I felt I literally could not go on, so I decided to try self-employment just to test the water, on the basis that if things didn't work out I would not just sit on my hands at home staring at the wall - I'd find some sort of employment. Within a year, I was making more ££ than I ever had as an employee, and now multiple times more. It was a risk, of course: I had to quit my job first, as otherwise I wouldn't have had 5 minutes to devote to my own business. But the gamble paid off. Having complete autonomy is what changed my life more than anything.

The idea of buying a van to live in strikes me as a crazy idea now, but at the time it seemed absolutely brilliant - I couldn't see any other way out, and I dreamed of it constantly. I can imagine the lure of what's on offer for you!

If you can think of any way of working for yourself - and AI can help you identify some possible avenues, based on your skills, experience and preferences - then it is worth experimenting with that before you plunge headlong into what now seems like the perfect plan.

Until you have resolved this desperation to find more time for life, I am not sure it is possible for you to disentangle your feelings for this potential husband from your feelings about time running out for yourself.

It's a tricky one, and I completely understand your yearning and wanting this to be the solution. 💐

If you love him and think you will be happy with him long term then I see no reason not to.

Even if you aren't in love with him but are very fond of him then it's still possible it will work. Being in love is overrated, it's so easy to fall out of love and many couples who marry for love still end up divorced and in a bitter relationship full of resentment and hate. Many cultures have arranged marriages that are often healthy and happy. `Choosing a partner based on their intelligence and assests can be a sensible choice.

Money isn't everything but it's certainly nice and helps in lots of ways.

Marrying someone your own age doesn't guarantee a healthy future together- illness and accidents can take someone at any age. Many men are healthy and active well into their 80s. When he dies of old age you'll be young enough to still enjoy your own life.

Having an older father is not cruel to children. Choosing a bad father is cruel to children. Many children end up estranged from their fathers, many have unsupportive fathers, some fathers die young and leave their children without a father.

We never know how our life will turn out- none of us can predict the future. Follow your instincts and hope for the best OP.

I'm in my 70's. If one of my daughters was in this position I would say make sure, if it all goes pear shaped, that you are in a position to feed, clothe and house yourself and your children without ongoing help from him.

Keep the legal skills up to date, retrain in something niche but potentially profitable within a corporate setting eg. insurance law. You don't have to work a huge number of hours to ensure a continuous work record on your CV.

I have three friends who married men considerably older than them - all three marriages were long and happy. My best friend was married to a man 20 yrs older - he's still going strong in his 80's, she died 10 yrs ago from cancer. My old Uni roommate married one of our lecturers, he only died a few years ago, yes, she was his carer for the final few years, but she loved him and didn't consider it a big deal. Another friend is in her 50's with a husband in his 90's. They have been together 20yrs and have a DD. They had the conversation about her being his carer, they called it off at one point, but, like you, she knew she was happier with him than without him. Everyone accused her of marrying him for his money too - but I have no doubt she loves him very much.

A big age difference really can work, but you have to go into it with your eyes open - hope for the best but plan for the worst, anything can happen.

You haven’t said you love him.
id probably marry a rich old man with a nanny too.

Just re read some of your updates and seen that he has kids who have a nanny, and they are the age that they need taking to the toilet. So he already has young children...do you know why him and his ex split?

Also how hands on with them is he? No matter how rich I was, I don't think I'd like to be with someone who chucked money at their kids rather than do some of the difficult parts of parenting himself...they're never going to have a great bond otherwise.

My husband is 71, and he is very fit and active but he is not a suitable husband for someone young enough to be his daughter!
That isn't being agiest I just think there's something deeply unpleasant about age gaps that are so big the man could be mistaken for his wife's father.

I’m 60, very fit, run three times a week, work full time. People say I look a little younger. But, the next 10 years will change I know that. 70 is very different to 60. More so than 40 to 30. You age quicker as you get older. Would I date a 70 year old. No way. My partner is my age. We are both looking at retiring together soon and travelling. Long haul at 80 is no fun.

The gap is important here. You’re 20 and he’s 40.. could easily work. You’re 40 and he’s 80…utter madness

Three separate issues -

1. Not enjoying your job- move in-house or to a different law firm with a culture that prioritises work life balance, or move out of law.
2. Marrying a man twice your age - I wouldn't do it. He will soon be old and wrinkly with health worries while you are young and want to live life. If you have children, they'll have to cope with having a father who is more likely to die while they're still quite young. He might not see them graduate, walk them down the aisle etc.
3. Giving up work and being a stay at home wife- this threatens your independence which makes it more difficult to leave if you are unhappy in the relationship.

I'm guessing this guy is probably late 30s maybe early 40s and OP in her 20s. Going by the fact she says he has children young enough to still need to use a nanny to take them to the toilet if they take the kids out for the day. I'm assuming by that his kids are probably under 10(unless he had kids later in life and is closer to 50). He's twice her age now it won't be the case he's double her age forever. But let's be honest this post doesn't really do her any favours as it seems she likes the financial security more than she likes him and that isn't a good enough reason to marry the guy. I can bet she'll be labelled a gold digger by his kids mum if they were to ever split up

I don’t think you should marry him unless you sincerely believe that you want to be with him, whatever the health/economic/age related circumstances.
What shouts from your message is your great unhappiness with your job. Get a different one. You don’t need me to tell you that the legal sector provides many different opportunities. Lots of lawyers change track and take a less stressful but rewarding career path.
Kindly, you seem muddled about what could make you much happier.

Two oldest professions in one here 😀