To marry a man more than twice my age

[sarahsdilemma]

I’m a lawyer, well-educated, and I’ve worked very hard to get where I am but deeply unhappy in my job. I find it stressful, all-consuming and, if I’m honest, quite miserable. The long hours, weekend work and constant pressure are really getting to me, and even looking ahead, I can see that while the pay improves, it still comes at a big personal cost. People ahead of me are doing well, but they’re still working incredibly hard and the mums often either go part time (so a pay cut) or miss weekends and bedtimes with their kids.

I’ve been in a relationship for about a year with a man more than twice my age. He owns a (highly successful) business, has been married before and has children. I appreciate how this sounds, but he treats me very well and I feel happy and supported with him. He helps me financially, I have a card linked to his account rather than a formal allowance, and more recently he’s been talking about a future together, including marriage.

He’s seen how unhappy I am in my job and has gently suggested that I don’t have to continue if it’s making me this miserable. I’ve been very cautious about that, as I don’t want to make myself vulnerable or dependent on someone else. To address that, he’s offered to buy a property in London in my name as an engagement present, which I could rent out and keep the income from, regardless of what happens between us.

I do want children, probably more than I want a career, and I can’t help but think about what kind of life I actually want long-term. My mum, who I love and respect, thinks this is a terrible idea and keeps saying I should find someone my own age. Her main concern seems to be the age gap and questioning his motives, but she isn’t really giving me much practical reasoning beyond that, which is making it harder for me to weigh things up properly.

I also look at her life and how hard she’s worked balancing a job with most of the childcare and housework, and I’m not sure that’s the path I want for myself. With my partner, realistically, there would be more support in day-to-day life / paid help.

I know relationships can go wrong, and I’m not naive about that. But I do genuinely care about him and feel happy with him as a person. I’m trying to think about this sensibly and not rush into anything, but I also don’t want to dismiss something that could give me a very different (and potentially happier) life.

So… AIBU to even be considering this? I’d really appreciate honest but kind perspectives.

Look to his ex. If you want her life then go ahead.

His money’s buying him a young girlfriend. He knows it. And really you do too. So what’s gonna stop him buying a younger model in a few years time when you’re older and focused on your kids if you go on to have them?

Comfortable life. Needs taken care of. Children who will have every advantage. Eventually, you'll be a wealthy widow. Sensible, pragmatic choice. I'd seriously consider it. Love can die - look at all the women on MN who loved their husbands once and are now itching to lose the bastard. At least with this guy you understand exactly what the deal is. If you enjoy his company and enjoy having sex with him, you're already as likely to have a happy marriage as any of those women who believe they're marrying their soul mate.

A kiss may be grand
But it won't pay the rental
On your humble flat
Or help you at the automat...

Diamonds are girl's best friend!

In the UK, while people are living longer, they can expect to spend approximately 15–16 years (about 20% of their life) in poor health, with chronic illness often starting around age 70. Major risks in the 70s and 80s include dementia, pneumonia, heart disease, and severe frailty, with many experiencing multiple morbidities before death.

Ill Health in UK 70s/80
Duration of Poor Health: Men may live about 16 years in poor health, and women about 21 years after age 65.

Major Illness Onset: The average age a person begins living with a major illness is 70.

Chronic Conditions: Muscles shrink (sarcopenia), bones become brittle, and immune systems become less effective, increasing vulnerability to infections and pneumonia.

Hospitalisation Causes: For those aged 75+, common reasons for hospital admission ending in death include dementia, pneumonia, acute heart disease, and stroke.

Duration of Illness Before Death Expectancy: Data indicates that at age 75, men can expect to live another 12 years and women 13 years, but a significant portion of this time is marked by chronic, rather than healthy, life.While life expectancy in the UK is among the highest, the gap between living and living in good health is widening.

I think your ages are a big factor here. Are you 20 and he is 40? Or are you 35 and he is 70? I am in an age gap marriage (married 14 years), he had his first child at 50 and is still very active and far fitter than me, he is in his 60’s now. He hadn’t had kids before which I think is a big difference x

This is not a terrible idea OP. You could meet someone your own age and be miserable so why not take the chance. If you treat him well and he treats you well, why wouldn’t he want to make the most of his later years, if it’s what you want go for it.

Yeah but I reckon you can tell if it will happen early doors.
There's loads of super young 60/70 year olds You can see pretty quickly who is on the wain. They then take many years to decline fully.

Yes, and I'm very sorry for your situation.

But the fact is that your situation is reasonably rare and the same level of illness in a 65 year old is extremely common.

You have been very unlucky.

You are deluded if you think you can tell who will stay healthy as they age.

You are also deluded if you think the fit and healthy looking 60/70 year olds you are looking at whose medical history you don't know are actually fit and healthy.

There's a lot of wishful thinking going on on this thread!

I can see where you come from, and I am sympathetic. For the other view, my parents divorced and my DF remarried. It was a huge happy success, I have two step siblings and my father's second wife (I don't think she would consider herself a step mother as we were adults) seems to have had a wonderful marriage. But there is an age gap. He is now 92 and she is 76, and she clearly still adores him. But she is caring for him, willingly, and making him comfortable, and it is costing her the last few years of her good health.

It really is a very tricky situation, even when everything is going smoothly.

The good thing about being wealthy is that you can afford a lot of care. OP may never have to do that herself.

Two of my friends’ husbands are dead already we’re only 55.

Another member of staff providing services the nanny doesn't provide.

I wasn’t bragging, I wasn’t crowing, I wasn’t doing anything except telling about my family.
My brother had a stroke and left a young wife and 3 little kids behind.
My grandpa & uncle both died excruciating deaths of colon cancer.
My dad shot himself on my parent’s anniversary.

I can assure you that my family has experienced pain and anguish just like other families.
It just hasn’t been from Alzheimer’s.

OP You have more than many people have in a lifetime… someone to love and care for you who you love in return. Don’t throw it away. Best of luck x

I think we need to know how old he actually is to give a better answer.
Things to think about. What if his company fails and all the luxury disappeared. What if he died leaving you with small children. What if got ill and you had to care for him and small children. What if his current children hated the new children and caused lots of arguments. He'll most likely die a long time before you even if he lives to be 90 so how will you feel being alone for so long (unless you remarried).

Hmm I'm 54 my OH is 67. It's me who has the health issues not him.

Neither of us are " giving up the ghost" as yet. Last year he spent 3 months solo backpacking in South America

That is not true of the demographic this man represents though. Poverty and poor lifestyle/diet are huge factors in this. Wealth and access to private health care will be on his side.

Unless you married at 13 when your husband was 26 your situation is irrelevant to OP's.

Nothing wrong with my home town!! 😉

It was in response to all these people saying over 65 men are all declining

To be honest, I have very happy memories of Skeggy from childhood holidays. It's so bracing 😀

@Imdunferwholeheartedly agree with you. I’ve spent the last 12 years in care homes and hospitals managing health issues of my ‘healthy and fit’ looking parents. You don’t know what you don’t know until you’ve got lived experience.

It's biological fact.

Nope. The poor drop dead earlier of shorter term diseases. The wealthy drag on using modern medicine and their money to extend life, but not extend healthy life. It’s not the poor you need to worry about long term care of, it’s the rich.

Did he have his DC later in life, was in ex a lot younger than him as well?
I would worry about having a sell by date if he only likes very young women.

Agreed. The "Glasgow effect" is well documented.