To marry a man more than twice my age

[sarahsdilemma]

I’m a lawyer, well-educated, and I’ve worked very hard to get where I am but deeply unhappy in my job. I find it stressful, all-consuming and, if I’m honest, quite miserable. The long hours, weekend work and constant pressure are really getting to me, and even looking ahead, I can see that while the pay improves, it still comes at a big personal cost. People ahead of me are doing well, but they’re still working incredibly hard and the mums often either go part time (so a pay cut) or miss weekends and bedtimes with their kids.

I’ve been in a relationship for about a year with a man more than twice my age. He owns a (highly successful) business, has been married before and has children. I appreciate how this sounds, but he treats me very well and I feel happy and supported with him. He helps me financially, I have a card linked to his account rather than a formal allowance, and more recently he’s been talking about a future together, including marriage.

He’s seen how unhappy I am in my job and has gently suggested that I don’t have to continue if it’s making me this miserable. I’ve been very cautious about that, as I don’t want to make myself vulnerable or dependent on someone else. To address that, he’s offered to buy a property in London in my name as an engagement present, which I could rent out and keep the income from, regardless of what happens between us.

I do want children, probably more than I want a career, and I can’t help but think about what kind of life I actually want long-term. My mum, who I love and respect, thinks this is a terrible idea and keeps saying I should find someone my own age. Her main concern seems to be the age gap and questioning his motives, but she isn’t really giving me much practical reasoning beyond that, which is making it harder for me to weigh things up properly.

I also look at her life and how hard she’s worked balancing a job with most of the childcare and housework, and I’m not sure that’s the path I want for myself. With my partner, realistically, there would be more support in day-to-day life / paid help.

I know relationships can go wrong, and I’m not naive about that. But I do genuinely care about him and feel happy with him as a person. I’m trying to think about this sensibly and not rush into anything, but I also don’t want to dismiss something that could give me a very different (and potentially happier) life.

So… AIBU to even be considering this? I’d really appreciate honest but kind perspectives.

HE DOESN'T EVEN LOOK AFTER HIS OWN CHILDREN NOW WHEN HE HARDLY SEES THEM

Change your job to one you like.

Build up savings.

Buy your own place.

But some decline faster than others. And many people decline and die in their 50s. My best friend from school died last year at 54, another friend of 58 had a medical incident and now is in care home. Yet anotherhad a stroke at 52.

So it's not a given everyone will suddenly decline fast at 65 , especially to the needing bum wiped scenario

It’s not the declining fast that will be the main problem. It will be the declining slowly, in bad health for 15+ years, that will crush the OP and rob her of her life. We are living for longer in extremely bad health requiring decades of soul destroying care. As a nation. This is a trend.

One of my best friends died 6 years ago in her late 40s.

People’s health generally goes on fine until around 70 and some are fit and active well into their 80s.

If you’re happy, then why wouldn’t you? You could go part time as an happy medium. Age is but a number. Practically he’ll have money aside for care when he’s older.

This is such nonsense. It’s quite rare to have bad health for 15 years.

I’m talking as someone whose parents are in their late 80s. A handful of friends died from 75 onwards but they’ve only really died in numbers in the last 5 years.

Equally as has been pointed out DP is wealthy so can pay for care. That makes all the difference in the world.

Get independent legal advice that you pay for. Work out your options for

• working, no children,
• working with children,
• not working no children and
• not working with children.

Think about your pension.

Think about what might happen if he turns out to be a patient man now but who will cut you off or hold all the purse strings once you are married and/or pregnant.

Ensure if he gives you money or property that it's an account you control and that he doesn't have access to. Right now if you use his card and have no income or savings, he could stop it and you would have nothing.

Be very analytical about the financial and security side from now till your death, even if you die long after he does.

Once you know that and can make, preferably have made arrangements, then you can focus on the emotional side. And talk to him about the options. Gauge his reaction. For example if you said you would prefer to have an allowance paid into your bank account instead of/as well as the card. If he says, there's no need then that's a red flag.

If you do get money for yourself, save a six figure sum that you don't touch as "fuck off" money - a sum that let's you tell your boss, your landlord /mortgage company and your significant other to fuck off and you can live for a few months.

I wish you well. Just get your ducks in a row before you commit, so you are prepared.

So when you were 30, he was 44. Not quite the same as 30s and 60s. Nor is it the same as twice your age. When she’s 54, he will be at least 108 … Your set up is a bit irrelevant.

No one says they are ‘all’ doing anything. But stats are stats and double your age is double your age. OP asked for opinions and these are legitimate ones.

You are incredibly naive. It’s not rare at all. It’s very common. Money only gets you so far. Money only buys you so much. Who do you think arranges the care? And all the life admin which will fall to OP? The person needing it? There are hundreds of unseen care tasks that OP will likely have to do that no amount of money will protect her from being responsible for. Paying is the very tip of the caring iceberg.

I hadn't considered this earlier, but if his children have a nanny, they must be fairly young, primary age perhaps?

If he's in his 50's, presumably his ex-wife is considerably younger than him and less than 10 years ago, they were all loved up and having a family. It must've all gone wrong pretty quickly.

Perhaps that's part of the reason why your Mum is concerned @sarahsdilemma. He waited until middle age to settle down and then the relationship quickly failed. Why is that? Unless his ex is the Wicked Witch, there have to be good reasons, because he wasn't settling down too young. Is he very committed to his work and didn't make time for his family, for example?
At this point, he's unlikely to change so be aware that whatever contributed to the breakdown of his marriage will probably be repeated.

I don't think it's fair to call that nonsense. It's isn't rare at all to have bad health for 15 years, it's a key reason why the NHS is running out of money. Though that might vary by what you define as bad health.

But would he choose to start a new family at 67?

I suspect most men his age would think better of it, unless they were trying to hang onto their 30 year old trophy wife.

I notice you still haven’t revealed your ages.

He sees his children for a few days at a time and still uses a nanny!

Sorry OP, you’re in love with the lifestyle and the money.

He will be a hands off father permanently, he will provide you with all the riches you could possibly need, but getting up in the night to feed a newborn? Unlikely, he doesn’t even take his children to the toilet!

Yes but you don't have to completely give it up, you can pick and choose what you do, some consultancy work, only take on cases that interest you. A legal qualification opens doors to lots of things.

I'm not completely anti the idea of you marrying an older man as llong as you are well provided for - and you love him, as you say you do.

My cousin got with a man when she was 21, he was 17.5 years older. He had been married, divorced, had one child, lived on his own in a flat over his business. Was very well off. They bought a lovely house, she was well liked by all his family including his son who is still a good friend. They were very happy and had an extremely good life, travelling around all over the world; they had a property abroad. She didn't have children but was (and still is), a happy, lively person. She did keep her career, loved that.

Unfortunately he died when she was forty, of cancer. Nobody can make predictions about health, he had been quite a fit man prior to that. She was absolutely devastated. She still had her mum who was supportive, many friends and all his family rallied round her, one of whom was a much younger cousin who had idolised him.

About three years later she got together with the cousin, he is eighteen months younger than her which is negligible, a smashing chap, also quite well heeled and they are still living the dream in their eighties.

Sometimes you have to take a chance. In many respects, it's more risky for him as an older man with a young wife.

Many,many years ago I was in a relationship with a bloke who talked a lot about money, giving me an allowance, I would never need to work again etc etc. I ran a mile. I couldn't bear the thought of it. I had a career that I had worked hard for, I was independent and frankly found the idea of taking his money weird. I think OP, you have a massive job problem. How you feeling about your work is impacting your decision making. Loads of people change careers. You need to find something that makes you happy.

Not just this post but for those debating if she’s 20-25 I wanted to jump in here and say no I don’t think so.

The earliest Op would have likely qualified as a solicitor is around 24. Usually it goes like this - the degree 18-21 then the LPC course age 21-22 and the 2 year training contract 22-24.

She said she’s relatively early in her career but she didn’t say she’s brand new in it, so I assume she’s been working in it for around 5-10 years hence I think 30+

That’s not why the NHS is short of money, no.

She said she’s relatively early in her career but she didn’t say she’s brand new in it, so I assume she’s been working in it for around 5-10 years hence I think 30+

@Moneybagss Wow, if that's the case and he's more than twice her age, he's in his 60's with children young enough to have a nanny. He doesn't sound like the settling down type!

I have never gone for wealthy men and turned down a marriage proposal where a man 15 years older than me said i don’t have to work and he would take care of everything etc. No regrets about walking away from that relationship as it wasn’t right for me, however am actually not opposed to women factoring in men’s finances if that is important to them.

Why not? Men factor in how useful /and or attractive women can be to them when deciding upon a wife.

I wouldn’t suggest marrying someone purely for money or looks but it’s fine to factor in these things - did everyone judging this as superficial pick their partners purely based on their inner character or did they factor in looks, heights, money etc ?

I think most if they’re honest did consider the latter as well as what’s on the inside. And even if they did just go with what’s on inside the owned I can bet your bottom dollar their male partner didn’t.

All that being said I still do find the age gap icky in this situation as I’m assuming it’s a 30 year old with a man in his sixties.

It certainly is. The two big rises are in treating the results of obesity and in keeping unwell older people who used to die alive with modern medecine.

Yes and it also sounds like he has a penchant for much younger women, given the age of his kids I assume his ex isn’t that old either.

It does make you wonder - he is a man with a very decent income and yet waited so long to have kids and then couldn’t make it work with the mother of his kids, and is now moving onto what is probably an even younger woman. After leaving his ex to deal with the kids for the majority of the time.

Hopefully OP will disclose their ages eventually.

He won't be 108 when she's 54. He is more than twice her age now. Which means he is probably between 25 to 30 years older than her. He won't stay twice her age for ever! When she is 54 he will be between 79 and 84. Still a huge gap but he won't be 108!

And rightly so. I would be thoroughly ashamed if my daughter was bought by a man. Because let's be straight, that's what he's doing when he offered to buy you a property. He's buying you in exchange for money. 'Sugar daddy' is a polite way of putting it...

(And yes, I know I have bitten on yet another fake thread!).