To marry a man more than twice my age

[sarahsdilemma]

I’m a lawyer, well-educated, and I’ve worked very hard to get where I am but deeply unhappy in my job. I find it stressful, all-consuming and, if I’m honest, quite miserable. The long hours, weekend work and constant pressure are really getting to me, and even looking ahead, I can see that while the pay improves, it still comes at a big personal cost. People ahead of me are doing well, but they’re still working incredibly hard and the mums often either go part time (so a pay cut) or miss weekends and bedtimes with their kids.

I’ve been in a relationship for about a year with a man more than twice my age. He owns a (highly successful) business, has been married before and has children. I appreciate how this sounds, but he treats me very well and I feel happy and supported with him. He helps me financially, I have a card linked to his account rather than a formal allowance, and more recently he’s been talking about a future together, including marriage.

He’s seen how unhappy I am in my job and has gently suggested that I don’t have to continue if it’s making me this miserable. I’ve been very cautious about that, as I don’t want to make myself vulnerable or dependent on someone else. To address that, he’s offered to buy a property in London in my name as an engagement present, which I could rent out and keep the income from, regardless of what happens between us.

I do want children, probably more than I want a career, and I can’t help but think about what kind of life I actually want long-term. My mum, who I love and respect, thinks this is a terrible idea and keeps saying I should find someone my own age. Her main concern seems to be the age gap and questioning his motives, but she isn’t really giving me much practical reasoning beyond that, which is making it harder for me to weigh things up properly.

I also look at her life and how hard she’s worked balancing a job with most of the childcare and housework, and I’m not sure that’s the path I want for myself. With my partner, realistically, there would be more support in day-to-day life / paid help.

I know relationships can go wrong, and I’m not naive about that. But I do genuinely care about him and feel happy with him as a person. I’m trying to think about this sensibly and not rush into anything, but I also don’t want to dismiss something that could give me a very different (and potentially happier) life.

So… AIBU to even be considering this? I’d really appreciate honest but kind perspectives.

This @sarahsdilemma

Over 200 replies and op is ignoring that question so that tells me he's more than twice her age and she is reluctant to give details . That is also probably why her mother is against it . Perhaps age wise he is more matches to the mother or maybe even as far to say he is aged enough to nearly be her grandfather ( her early / mid 20s , him 60s)

The fact that the entire first paragraph of your OP relates to your dissatisfaction with your working life rather than your feelings for your partner is very telling.

You may care for this man but would you really be considering spending your life with him if he wasn't wealthy and offering you an easy ride/escape from your current reality?

Age gap relationships can work: I'm in one! My DH is considerably younger than me. We're together because neither of us can imagine anyone more compatible, in fact for many years we've had no social life because other people seem like hard work by comparison with the effortless pleasure of each other's company.

Old age is not for the faint-hearted, and if it weren't for this special connection I would not feel at all comfortable about the adjustments that we face as the years go by. OP, forgive me if I've missed something but I don't see that confidence in your posts if you are wondering whether time with him is so pleasant because of the easy circumstances.

She is a lawyer and has been working for a few years she must be at least 25 possibly older. It's impossible for him to be in his late 30s and also be twice as old as her!

Don't quit your job until he buys the flat and you have confirmed it is in YOUR NAME. If he buys you the flat honestly just go for it.

Because why is that an issue? That’s been one of the drivers of marriage since the dawn of time! It’s only recently that people require being in deep love… and many love marriages fail abysmally anyway.

I've been reading but not commented yet.

The one thing that strikes me is that you haven't considered how your feelings will change when he is no longer fit and vigorous. And that will be coming a lot sooner than you think, given his age.

My ex was 18 years older than me. So nowhere near the age difference between you and your partner. When we first met and for the first 10 years or so, it was a very loving, passionate, simpatico relationship. We loved each others company. For me, any room was better as soon as he was in it.

And then he became elderly. Not just older. A bit doddery, dependent. He became less interesting and intimacy was different. It became more about managing his ageing than passion (trying not to be graphic!). Slowly, slowly, I became less attracted to him until in the end, I couldn't be physical anymore.

I could have managed a companionable relationship, but that wasn't what he wanted. He wanted all in. And in the end, I had to end it because I couldn't give what we had at the beginning.

I am a bit ashamed that his ageing changed my feelings for him. I'm not a shallow person and the change in my feelings shocked me. But it is what it is. And in essence, his ageing caused me to go off him.

Your age difference is a LOT more than ours was. As a 50 year old woman, you will in all likelihood not want intimacy with an 80 year old man even though you would still like to experience it with someone of a similar age.

In essence, what you have now is a fleeting thing. He will be elderly very soon.

Bloody hell yes! I would. Sounds perfect! You'll be set up for life, and no matter what anyone says, being stable financially will give you so much happiness, security and choices all through life.
You could marry someone your own age and end up divorced anyway, and possibly have struggled through life financially too. No brainer. Just make sure you're protected legally if you do end up divorcing.

I'd honestly question his commitment to being a parent OP. Think about it. He doesn't even live with his kids yet on days out when it's his time with them he's using a nanny to keep them entertained just so he can still enjoy a day of taking no responsibility for his own kids. Is that really the kind of father you want for your own future children? Throwing money at them and taking a nanny out with them on his time is just purely lazy when he doesn't even have his kids living with him

She obviously isn’t 20, she’s a fully trained solicitor so at least 23/24. She’s been with him for a year and also done the job long enough to hate it so my guess is late 20s/early 30s and she said he’s more than twice her age so I think he’s late 50s/early 60s.

You always get the posters with optimistic tales of relatives living till 100 still able to do 500 jumping jacks and run marathons. In reality most people die in their 70s or 80s and by that stage they’re pretty screwed health wise. It isn’t ageist to say this, I just live in the real world. And yes OP could die young too before anyone jumps in but let’s be real, he’s far more likely to die before her.

I think overall it’s just kind of sad she’s willing to give up a solid career to marry an older rich man. It’s backwards.

I do think how old you are now is really relevant to how things may work in the future. 20-25 years may not be too much, if you are 30+ then quite probably it would be. It very much depends on the individuals.

The post saying about eventually you being 40 and 80 makes no sense as they are only twice you age now 😂 my DH is 15 years old, 25 and 40 sounds a lot but after 30 it doesnt sound much really. Life stage wise there isn't really much difference now (hes 60 next year) but we aren't well off in the way your DP is so it basically means either he'll end up working longer or he'll be retired whilst I am working full time as its unlikely we can afford for me to retire before 60. That bit does bother me now.

Meanwhile I’m 30, my husband is 30 and 7 months ago he got sick. He has 2 hospital appts a week, private care costs us £600 a month and he’s too frail to walk to the supermarket. I do everything now. He likely won’t be fully recovered for years.

Frailty and illness is a part of a long life and marriage. That’s why we say in sickness and in health. And it doesn’t necessarily matter if they’re older or younger than you. It can hit you either way.

How old are you and how old is he?

I've read all your posts and can't see ages.
25/50?
28/56?

?

i am not sure how old you are or how far you are in your career, but, and speaking from experience here, I think your view of a well paid law career is a bit too black and white. Yes being a full time mum at a US or magic circle firm (which it sounds like is the kind of place where you are) is extremely intense, and (imho) not necessarily worth the enormous life sacrifice unless you are a partner / almost certainly making partner / the sole breadwinner and have no choice (as I agree you are missing bedtimes, have crippling childcare costs so you’re always available, etc) . BUT there are many alternative paths that don’t require the kind of sacrifice. I have a number of colleagues who’ve moved to in-house jobs that pay effectively the same as top private practice firms all in, for significantly better and more reliable hours. Or going say 4 days a week or a knowledge role is still by all accounts very well paid and not that much of a drop when you factor childcare savings. So I’m not sure why you’re contemplating either full time fee earning or just nothing - there are a huge amount of alternative options that are really interesting and well paid - yes not US law firm partner level money but still doing really well. I’d really investigate other options before throwing in the towel and entirely giving up your career / identity / self sufficiency / pension / etc.. you can be happily married with kids and still work!

I think the flat gift is v significant - and could because you would have to sign a fairly rigid pre-nup if you did agree to marry him. Quitting a job is different from quitting a career - if you were to go to another firm would this help? Or could your skills be transferable? I think beibg practical about money is key here - if the relationship ended then what would you do? But really I say trust yourself - he comes with a package as we all do - a lot of fun now a lot of caring responsibilities later. Life is short. Make mistakes? Or certainly don't live with regret. Just keep your eyes open. Figure out how to pivot your career - he should be helping you with that if he sees you as a real partner. X

Do you love him and want children with him?

Are you willing to accept possible young widowhood?

Look, he's not the greatest example on earth, neither of them are- but look at Boris Johnson and Carrie.
He's 25 years her senior. Not quite double her age but a big gap.
She now has 4 children, in as many years almost.

She will most likely be a widow by the time she's 60.

How does that sound to you as a likely outcome for yourself?

The thing that strikes me is it sounds quite 'Jane Austen' - a young women being 'provided for' by an older, wealthy man.

Is he from a culture where this is the norm? Young wife/ rich man who dictates how she'd live?

it sounds like you have talked things through and he’s been open about what the future could look like if you got married. You say you love him, so go for it. All relationships require some compromise and, realistically, how likely are you to find someone who is rich, emotionally intelligent, kind, open, generous and also young? For most of us Prince Charming is only a fairytale character.

Don’t listen to those who ask if you would marry him if he was poor. Would they stay with their partner if he was bankrupt or lazy?

I'd do it. But not if I wanted children. I wouldn't want to be knowingly potentially dealing with being widowed by the time my children finished school. Of course anyone's spouse can die but if this is a 30s/60s age gap and you build in time for a wedding and pregnancies he almost certainly will be dead.

I am assuming you are second half of your twenties and he is mid-late fifties.

In your case I would say yes because this is the opportunity to ensure financial security for you and your future kids.
I would recommend switching in-house, may be at one of your clients?

Yep but the lyrics still fit. OP acknowledges she loves and respects her mother so I can determine she probably isn’t an evil witch and she has her best interests at heart.

Also she’s asking for advice from strangers online so clearly struggling to make up her own mind.

My immediate thought after reading your post is that this man is trying to buy you? It’s strange to be offering a property upon engagement, almost like it’s a test. Perhaps he’s attracted to smart career women but then finds them less appealing once they’ve shown they’re happy to move from a romantic to a transitional relationship. I don’t believe anyone fully wants to be wanted for their money.

You’re too smart to believe that a rich man is the only answer to your current dissatisfaction, otherwise you wouldn’t be posting this.

She already has financial security, through the career she’s studied and worked towards likely for the best part of 7 years.

You love him
Who knows what else will happen?! People saying you’ll be wiping his arse don’t know what kind of old age he’ll have.
I know several people who have long-term very happy marriages with men substantially older than them (erm…. Always rich 🤣)

More than twice your age ? Just don’t do it.

Step down from whatever career trajectory you are on, do not marry a rich old man.