If you haven’t done it by 50 you never will.

[Wish44]

Morning all,

I have a long standing debate with my mum about my brother -

he is in his 50’s now and has been single since his early twenties. He is nearly always in a casual relationship of some sort and sometimes these relationships last for up to two years. We occasionally meet the women and they always seem lovely. However he will never ever enter a committed relationship with them and the relationships end eventually when the women realise that he is never going to commit. He is honest with them with his words but his actions don’t match so it always takes a while to play out.

His take on this is that he has just never meets the right one and never falls in love, he actually says he is sad about this as he wanted a family. My mum totally believes this and spends her life hoping he will meet the one soon. I think he has problems with commitment and will never do it . He had several traumas in his late teens and one in his early twenties that would cause this.

so I am asking the internet has anyone got any experience of being single for a life time ( though choice) and then finding someone they really click with and fall in love with in later life?

you are being unreasonable- it can take until later life to meet the one.

you are not being reasonable- if you want a committed relationship you can find someone to fall in love with.

That’s lovely- thank you

😂- yes I wonder this sometimes

Is he happy leading this life? If so, let him be. If he was so concerned about having children he could have easily settled for one of these “ lovely women” it doesn’t sound like children were/are his priority. Lots of people are like this. My cousin is highly ambitious, excelling at work, happy with having lots of male “ friends” to travel the world with. If asked by older members of our family if she would like children she says “ oh yes, that’d be nice if I met the one” but in reality it’s the furthest thing from her mind. She just says that to ease the social pressure of being child free by choice.

Setting up in a new home with someone will become harder( and costly) as he gets older.
Perhaps he is very choosy. And awaiting some sort of perfect partner. Who won’t exist.

Does this mean he is only considering significantly younger women? If so, I think this is likely to reduce his odds of success a lot...

It doesn't mean he won't find someone to be in a committed relationship with. My mum and her partner live separately. They've been together for 15 years.
However, I also think you are right. There is no such thing as "the one". Your brother has a very juvenile way of thinking about the relationship if that's what he hopes for. You chose who "the one" is going to be and you continue to make that choice every day.

It’s not unheard of especially nowadays to meet someone later, besides if he doesn’t better alone than with the wrong person .
I got married and had children in my early 20s , my brother got married and had children mid forties. Both through choice. He fasted plenty just never felt the need for children or setting down before then .

Nope - he is adamant that he wants a family and a partner. It comes up very often in conversation. He is happy otherwise- friends job etc

Wants kids/family - but so afraid of being tied down that he introduces girlfriends as friends?
What your brother says and what he does are two completely different things.
I’ve think the problem for men is that they are still physically able to reproduce into old age so the option is never completely removed.
He sounds inherently selfish (I don’t mean that judgementally, just that, by now, he’s used to doing things his own way). And that’s fine, but not conducive to the huge amounts compromise it takes to build a family unit.

Any idea what he is actually looking for in a partner?

Does he know?

It sounds as though he is easily distracted by the potential for "doing better" elsewhere!

Sign him up for MAFS 🤣

Yes this is definitely an issue and he is aware of it . The women he has his casual relationships with have always been close ish in age to him - current one is mid forties with children

His fascination with "younger = better" is not the sign of emotional maturity, unfortunately.

My brother met someone on the internet in his late 40s and they got married. They’re both nearing 60 now and still together. She’s totally different in every way to anyone he’s ever dated and I think once he opened his heart to different people, it just clicked. That’s not being detrimental to her, she’s absolutely lovely, but we’re all attracted to certain types or looks, whether we admit or not. Sure they met too late, they feel, to have kids…something my brother always thought he would have, but it just didn’t work out that way.

I have an adult son who hasn’t had a serious relationship in nearly 10 years. He desperately wants one, he desperately wants a family and he desperately wants “ the dream”. It makes me very sad that he feels like this and that he feels alone in the world, but he’s also looking for perfection. He’s jaded by friends who partners have left them through infidelity, not earning enough money, not being a man apparently in various ways. He wants perfection. I’m tired of talking about it with him. At his age, it’s his life and his decision. I’ve tried explaining to him that not everyone gets that massive bump on the head, lovestruck scenario, a room where your eyes meet and instantly fall in love….that some relationships need friendship and time….but he’s not having it. So be it.

tbh with your brother, I’m not sure he is really sad and desperately wants a family. I think theyre just lines to spin you all. A man at 50 with no serious relationship under his belt, really can’t be interested in that. Sure he might have felt life has passed him by….and he’s using these phrases to badly express that….but if that’s truly truly truly what he wanted, someone would “have done “ by now.

tbh I think your mum needs to let him get on with it. No one wants their child alone in the world or taking on life without a partner. It’s sad whatever age your child is. Equally at 50 it’s got to be your brothers decision. not that your mum can do anything about it, I realise that, but I just don’t see the point in your mum worrying about it. He’s got to 50. He must be fairly settled in other ways…job? Accommodation?

Have you ever set him up with anyone?

Has he tried therapy?

Whrn I’m with a new partner I usually meet a friend of theirs who would ‘love to be with someone’ and there’s usually screamingly obvious issues. However, most of us have issues and still manage to partner up. There could easily still come a point where his reluctance/suspicion drops just enough to let someone in.

His actions aren't matching this though.

Or at least, he may want a family and a partner, but not enough to actively prioritise making it happen, and not enough to "settle" for someone he doesn't have deep feelings for. This is to his immense credit.

If having a family and partner was a priority to him, he wouldn't be dating a 40-something with children at all!

I'm guessing you are in a relationship 🙄

I know someone who met his wife mid 50s she was late 30s. Got married and have 2 kids now and trying for a third. He is over 60 now. He needs to want all this though and have the motivation to make this happen. Maybe he is happy the way things are for him.

Yes I wondered if there was a bit of that.

I have a long time friend (from the age of 10 and we are in our 50s now) who could never settle down. But the women he thought he was after were really just fantasies.... he was obsessed with Delta Goodrem and would genuinely moan (in his 40s) 'why can't I meet a woman like that?'. He was sincere about it. He wanted the looks, the money, the talent when frankly he was just a normal bloke who never really held down a job for long either because he felt he was worth more and better than whatever it was he was doing (despite not putting in the hard yards). I was sure he'd never - well- grow up tbh.

He did though in the end. Met a wonderful normal woman with a good normal job and they are blissfully happy with two gorgeous toddlers. It's like he had to get out of thinking as women as trophies that propped up his ego and essentially 'got real' about it all.

It fell into place for him- but I suspect it may not for alot of people who have just absorbed various fantasies about what their perfect person is like.

My son is 30, no trauma but recently diagnosed with AuDHD.
Great job, friends, life but is definitely cautious about committing to a relationship. His routine suits him so well it would take an understanding person to fit in.

He would have said he hadn't met the one. He seemed hopeful if he met someone, but when it came to the crunch - like having to move in together - even when they had spent a lot of time at each others places. Once a girlfriend moved away for work - he could have easily gone too - then it became clear no commitment and it ended - other times there was drama and he wouldn't want to sort this out / stick with any situation (I know I don't know all the ins and outs of it but this is what it seemed like from outside) as if the desire for relationship did not override some compromises he perhaps could have made. I do think now he wouldn't consider living far away from my parents, he did move home for many years, he is now long term living next door. He has lived a couple of miles away. He isn't dependent on them for practical things, they are company and he does do things to support and help them on a daily basis. I think earlier in his life he might have considered moving further away but now he has no plans to/ I just can't imagine it so over time this has increasingly limited who he could end up with.

He often deflects or avoids talking about it now. He would now say he is now remaining single and that relationships would just bring strife/ disrupt his peace (not those words but similar sentiment) and I've not heard of him being on a date past 5 + years at least. This example of my brother is that it did change - at a certain point he wasn't eternally hopeful and I would say he is accepting now.

It might not be The Trauma, but that doesn’t mean he isn’t over-picky and unrealistic anyway.

He says he wants a family, but actually he seems wedded to the idea of a family, without any of the messy reality of it. Are you able to refuse to go along with the notion that he is sad about wanting a family. If you look at other aspects of his life you will see that they are precisely to his suiting, and actually everyone playing along with the fib that he just hasn’t met the right one makes it worse. That suggests he will stay exactly the same and some woman will bend herself as needed to accommodate his preferences. What is his response to being asked about the accommodations he is prepared to make.

The correct answer is one of very few options: he is delusional about what he is being to the table, he is profoundly avoidant in his attachment and has close to zero capability of dealing with issues and lastly his life is great and he is just pretending that he wants it to be different. If you say the two year shelf life if the relationships is constant then he probably likes the easy part, and as soon as it gets in any way tricky he’s out of there. He’s not husband material and he’s definitely not father material with that attitude.

it can take until later life to meet the one.

I don't believe that there is ever 'the one'. Relationships about compromises and finding someone you can see yourself grow with and want similar things from life.

Once you let this idea of the 'the one' go then there are many more possibilities.

It’s none of your business! I expect your brother would be horrified that his sister is debating his love life online with strangers

That is unbelievably selfish, wow! Trying for a baby in his 60s????

My uncle’s bil married for the first time in his early 60’s, nobody thought he was even interested in relationships! Met a lady through his running club of a similar age and clicked. My uncle himself remarried (disastrous first short marriage) in his late 50’s but they had been together 15 years, of his in laws none have had children, 4 siblings, my dc are beneficiaries I’m told (my siblings haven’t had dc either)